No dates for the timid?

Suppose Nora is romantically attracted to Nick but does not know how he feels about her. Most people would agree that Nora faces a risky situation--one with a definite potential for rejection. A recent advice column in a Toronto newspaper encouraged women in such situations to ask men out, but warned: "Is it risky? Yup. Is there a possibility of crushing humiliation if your friendly tone is met by a frosty one? Absolutely." (Russell Smith, The Globe and Mail, May 23, 2009, p. L4).

Risky, indeed. Jessica Cameron and Danu Stinson (now at the Universities of Manitoba and Victoria, respectively), and John Holmes and I (at the University of Waterloo) found that single undergrads labelled almost two-thirds of their attempts to initiate romantic relationships as "unsuccessful."

We suspected that when people are romantically interested in someone, those with high self-esteem--I'll call them "highs"--and those with low self-esteem--"lows"--would approach this risky situation differently. We predicted that highs would use more direct, risk-taking strategies than lows. It is risky to approach a complete stranger and say, "Want to go out with me?" A less risky tactic is to attempt to get to know the other person better, look for signs that the other likes you, and eventually, and indirectly, show your own interest. Rather than dive into potentially cold water, then, one can dip one's toe in, test the temperature, and retreat if necessary.

As we predicted, lows were especially likely to use cautious strategies. Only 55% of low self-esteem men said that they were the one to make the first move, whereas 75% of high self-esteem men did so. (Even in this day and age, over two-thirds of the romantic heterosexual relationships were initiated by the man.) In addition, lows were more likely to use passive and indirect strategies, such as simply waiting for the woman to make a move and spending time with her while hanging out with mutual friends. In contrast, highs were more likely to use direct strategies, such as phoning the woman or directly telling her of their liking.

Why do lows and highs differ in these ways? Research shows that lows worry more than highs about whether other people will like them. And when rejection actually occurs, it is often more painful to lows than to highs. When they have the opportunity to initiate new relationships, lows seem to focus on how they might be rebuffed and how much that would hurt, whereas highs seem to focus on the fun and friendship that may develop.

These differences in strategies for initiating relationships are likely to result in very different social lives for lows and highs. In our studies of initiation strategies, we found that initiation attempts that respondents called "successful" involved (1) a greater number of overtures and (2) more direct overtures than those labelled "unsuccessful." Although lows' reliance on passive, indirect strategies may spare them embarrassment in the short-term, then, they are likely to wind up with fewer loving relationships in the long run. As the saying goes, no pain, no gain.