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My blog post for this week was going to be about an online radio interview on Mental Skills for academic success that just got posted on Bam! Radio. However, after the bloodshed here in Tucson that took the lives of six people and left our elected representative, Gabrielle Giffords fighting for her life, I had to post something on the issue of bullying. Yes- bullying. Next week I will post my thoughts on the radio interview.
With all this talk of gun rights and gun talk references, it's easy to understand why certain people become easily intimidated around anyone who insinuates any threat of gun violence, talk less of someone who follows through with a planned rampage. A growing number of teen bullies have caught on to the latest gun craze sweeping our nation. Take for example, traditional bullying involves the threat, (real or perceived) of being beaten up. These days it not unusual for targets of bullying to receive direct or in direct threats to their lives, be it in person or anonymously.
This trend now adds an new level of difficulty for a young person who wants to assertively end his or her experiences with being bullied.
"So what's next when your life has been threatened?"
I once worked with a high school student, whose mother brought him to see me because he was skipping school. It was the start of a fall semester, and no matter what she did, he refused to go to school for a week and a half. The student had shared with me how he had unlocked and opened his locker the week before his school closed for a summer holiday, to find a bullet placed on the top of his books. There was no note attached, but he was sure it was a message from another student, who had confronted him for speaking to his girlfriend, the day before. My client refused to share with me the identity of this student.
For a number of years I have been using a formula to teach kids, teenagers and young adults, who find themselves on the receiving end of bullying, to help them become more assertive and compassionate. This formula, based on my study and practice of cognitive behavioral therapy is as follows:
- A negative event plus an equal or greater negative behavioral response leads to a negative natural and logical consequence.
- A negative event plus a positive or even more positive behavioral response leads to a neutral or positive natural and logical consequence.
- A positive event plus a positive behavioral response leads to a positive natural and logical consequence.
Needless to say the formula becomes more complex, but it is effective and a shoe in towards being able to address emotional unmet needs and difficult feelings. Also yes, tragedy happens which leads to natural and logical consequences that are not reversible, but that's the point. In order for us to live happy and fulfilling lives, we have to acknowledge worst case scenarios, yet not allow our acknowledgment of the worst to interfere with our activities of daily living.
"So what was the outcome with the student who found the bullet in his locker?" With the principal's permission, he called a school meeting in their auditorium, where he boldly shared with his classmates his thoughts and feelings about finding the bullet on his book, in his locker. This morphed into a student led conscientious pro peace and anti violence movement in the school community. For a while I continued to get on his case about not revealing who he believed the culprit to be, but then I realized that with the level of awareness he had helped spread amongst his peers, knowing who his antagonist might be didn't matter. Especially since the harassment had ended. My client had found a silver lining in a dark cloud and he was now more confident and accepting of who he was as a person, with more friends.
In the aftermath of the tragedy that unfolded this weekend here in Tucson, I have heard all sorts of responses and suggestions, from banning guns, to regulation of ammunition magazine sizes, to encouraging or scaring every citizen to begin arming themselves in public. As a US. Army veteran and veteran of the war in Afghanistan, I can vouch that simply being armed, doesn't increase anyone's safety or make a threat (real or perceived) any less likely.
Parents should be cognizant of their responses to this tragedy, as our children are paying attention. For all threats real or perceived, a consistent positive behavioral response promotes assertiveness, empathy and compassion for self and others, and it is effective.
