Relationships
The Essential Question to Ask Your Spouse
A.R.E. you there for me?
Posted February 3, 2025 Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.
Key points
- In secure relationships, partners are accessible, responsive, and engaged.
- Accessible partners are emotionally available.
- Responsive partners are reliable in meeting emotional needs.
- Engaged partners are emotionally attuned, even in difficult dialogues.
Although the original theory and research on attachment dealt primarily with parent-infant bonds, the relevance of attachment’s core concepts can be made for relationships throughout adulthood. Research on adult attachment demonstrates that maintaining long-term love relationships is the adult version of the primary attachment dyad that first develops between a child and their caregiver. Knowing that one’s partner/spouse is present and will be there when needed (physically, emotionally, and psychologically), a person can feel valued and confident in their connection. One important distinction between attachment bonds within caregiver-infant and partner/spousal relationships is bi-directionality: each adult partner serves as the primary attachment figure for the other. This dyad exists because each person is both dependent on their partner while also being depended on by their partner, ideally demonstrating balance between these two positions. When there is balance in these positions, there is a felt sense of security and the relationship serves as both a safe haven and secure base. Partners are able to answer the following question affirmatively:
A.R.E. you there for me?
What does each letter stand for in the acronym A.R.E?
Accessible; Responsive; and Emotionally Engaged. These are the fundamental characteristics for creating a felt sense of security within a romantic relationship.
Accessibility
Can you reach out to your partner, even during times of vulnerability?
When a person enters into a committed relationship, it is hoped that their partner can serve as a safe haven. This happens when we can trust that they will enhance feelings of safety and comfort by providing a place of physical and emotional comfort to turn to, particularly during times of distress.
Responsiveness
Can you rely on your partner to respond to your emotional needs?
When a felt sense of safety and accessibility is established, partners are freed up to go out into the world with confidence that they can return and their partner will be there to respond to their needs. From an attachment perspective, we can understand this quality of responsiveness of the partner serving as a “secure base.” As such, partners have personal and relational efficacy to explore and take risks, knowing their partner will reliably support their interests and care about their needs.
Emotional Engagement
Does your partner value you and stay emotionally attuned?
With the knowledge that a partner is accessible and responsive, partners can be emotionally engaged with one another. In doing so, not only are partners physically available for one another, but they are psychologically and emotionally available for each other. Partners can sit with one another, hear what they have to say – the content and underlying emotions – and respond from their own place of emotional vulnerability. Even when partners are talking about difficult topics, they manage their own reactivity. In doing so, partners can respond to each other’s emotional experiences and understand their partner’s attachment needs (e.g., to feel cared for, to be accepted, to feel supported). When both partners can do this simultaneously, they are attuned.
Treatment
If you struggled to answer “yes” to the questions in each section, you and your partner would benefit from engaging in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, a well-researched relational couples therapy developed by Susan Johnson. The ultimate goal of therapists practicing from this relational approach is to help couples foster a felt sense of security through the creation of new interaction bonding events that redefine the relationship with feelings of connection and security. As such, partners can answer “yes” to the question “A.R.E. you there for me?”
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
References
Cassidy, J. & Shaver, P.R. (Eds.). (2018). Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.
Johnson, S. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown and Company.