5 Steps to Taking an Intentional Timeout

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One key ingredient to a healthy relationship is how a conflict unfolds, not whether or not it exists. Disagreements between people are inevitable, however, escalated negativity does not have to be a part of the equation.

Whether you’re early on in figuring out tools to have productive conversations with your partner or you are trying to negotiate a particularly sensitive topic, it’s important to recognize when the conversation will no longer be productive because of emotional escalation and flooding. A few signs of flooding include:

• You feel physical changes to your body like increased heart rate, tense muscles, or increased body temperature.
• You feel so overwhelmed during a conflict that you can’t think straight. You might say things you regret or have a hard time taking in what your partner’s saying.
• You want to escape from the conflict.
• You have a difficult time calming down during or after the conflict.

Preferably just before this occurs, you can use an intentional time-out. This de-escalation tool was first developed for the most volatile of couples and adapted here for wider use so you can successfully manage conflict in your relationship.

Note: if there is interpersonal violence (i.e., domestic violence) occurring within your relationship, please seek additional help.

1. Self-Monitor. Pay attention to your internal state throughout the conversation. If you feel yourself becoming dysregulated or flooded (i.e., any of the signs indicated above), the conversation is likely to go off-track. Partners must check in with themselves to ensure they are physically, emotionally, and psychologically in a place to engage in difficult discussions. If not, it’s time to move on to the next step.

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2. Use I-Statement in Making the Request. If you recognize you are too agitated to move the dialogue forward, communicate this clearly to your partner using an I-statement to express how you are feeling, not a you-statement. This is very important. See the difference below.

An example of an I-statement looks like this:

“I am feeling emotionally overwhelmed. I want to be able to hear you, and you me. Let’s take a pause.” Or, “I can feel myself getting flooded and it’s getting hard to think straight. This is a sensitive topic and I want to be sure I’m careful with my words. I’d like to take a break to cool off.”

An example of a you-statement looks like this: “You’re getting way too heated. You need to get out of here and cool down before I’ll talk to you about this.”

The first centers the speaker’s personal state without placing blame on their partner. Conversely, the second places blame and responsibility for the conflict escalation on the partner, in turn increasing the likelihood that they will respond with defensiveness. This will ultimately increase the likelihood of increased escalation and disconnect.

3. Offer a Specific Time to Return. If you are the person requesting the break, you must follow Step 2 with an offer for a time to return to the conversation. This demonstrates dedication to your partner and the conversation.

Without clearly stating your intention to return and identifying a time, it increases the likelihood your partner perceives you as trying to get out of the conversation. The person who asks for the timeout can be seen as withdrawing and their partner is left feeling uneasy and, in turn, pursues closure. As such, a pattern of pursue-withdraw can be created or maintained. The more the partner pursues closure, the more their partner withdraws as a means to obtain their desired timeout from the conflict.

4. Self-Soothe. During the timeout, partners should prioritize using coping strategies and engaging in perspective-taking to be able to return to the conversation successfully. Partners can do things like meditate, read a book, take a shower, etc. Whatever each finds relaxing that will bring them back to a calm state. Partners should not ruminate on the argument or their partner nor should they use the time apart to plan their defense. Partners should also be mindful not to engage in coping strategies that could be polarizing. For example, if the couple is arguing about dynamics surrounding a family friend, neither should use the time apart to seek support from this specific person.

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5. Return or Reset. Finally, partners must follow through and return to the discussion at the specified time to demonstrate commitment to the relationship and validate the importance of the issue to their partner. If either partner is still not in a mental space to reengage, they should propose a new time to discuss.