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Key points
- Research shows that stress increases aggression in intimate relationships.
- Anger hijacks the more evolved thinking brain, making it hard to solve problems.
- Pausing to observe and rate your anger helps you calm down and changes your relationship to the feelings of anger.
Been angry lately?
Given the increase in stress we've all been facing due to the pandemic, I'd be kind of shocked if you answered in the negative. What a lot of people don't realize, however, is the extent to which stress can negatively impact your intimate relationships—and, really, all your relationships. Let's start with some telling research that may surprise you.
First, there's an article from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships that makes the point, "Verbally aggressive exchanges between intimate partners are more likely during times of stress."
This next bit of research may surprise you. But there have been several studies showing how verbal abuse negatively affects the brain, and that verbal abuse can be as harmful as physical and sexual abuse.
If that weren't bad enough, there's also the fact that anger hijacks the brain's thinking circuits. That's because when the amygdala—the emotional trigger center of the brain—gets activated, it draws blood away from the executive, thinking center of the brain. In other words, you're in the grip of a more ancient emotional system that has superseded your thinking brain.
Fortunately, you can train yourself to constructively step back from anger. In fact, mindfulness helps you do this because it teaches you how to notice your thoughts, emotions, and body in a more neutral way, much like an objective witness might.
I want to tell you about Richard (not his real name), a man I worked with who suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) caused by various issues in his past. Richard found himself easily annoyed by others and would escalate conversations into shouting matches.
These unfortunate events occasionally devolved into physical fights, causing him to spend time in jail. Richard knew that another similar outbreak could derail his plans for returning to school and getting his life on track. I taught him mindfulness practices that helped him mentally turn away from situations that, before, would have produced a negative result.
The Best Way to Reverse Anger
The best way to reverse anger is a two-part technique I call "See It and Breathe It." You can use this no matter where you are, even in the heat of the moment. Keep in mind that it might be helpful to first physically separate yourself from your partner. Then, in private, you can do this practice for a couple of minutes.
1. See it: What I mean by "see it" is that I want you to step back and distance yourself from the anger. Seeing it in a fresh way lets you change your relationship with the anger. To "see it" in a new way, do this:
- See the intensity of the anger by rating it on a 1-10 scale (0=low, 10=high).
- See where you feel the anger in the body. Which parts of the body are tight, clenched, or constricted? Scan up your body from the toes, legs, abdominal area, arms, neck, shoulders, and face. Commonly, people feel tension in their shoulders, stomach, jaw, and hands.
2. Breathe it: Take at least three deep belly breaths. That means allowing your breath into the deeper part of your lungs, which will naturally move your belly outward. It might help to clasp your hands behind your back or behind your neck. This movement opens the ribcage and allows you to take a more full breath. Exhale each breath slowly, on the count of four.
- Breathe into any parts of the body where you earlier identified tension or tightness or clenching.
- As you exhale, imagine or visualize that tension or anger being released. You could picture it draining out of you. Let it move down your legs and leave from the bottom of your feet, where the negative energies can go into the earth, which is large enough to hold and contain it.
Lastly, re-rate your anger level. See how it has reduced in intensity. If it's still high, repeat the process before re-engaging with your partner. At the very least, you might agree to each take time before responding to the issue at hand. This will give you time to reflect on your trigger and why you reacted to the extent you did.
The book Clearing Emotional Clutter examines several methods for dealing with anger, including being compassionate with yourself as you deal with your feelings of upset. It helps to remind yourself that you are taking these steps on behalf of yourself and your partner. In another sense, this is a spiritual practice of forbearance, a gift that you give another by intentionally stepping back and not arguing or having to be right. How beautiful.
