Listening to Difficult Emotions

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Sometimes avoiding difficult emotions can be a subtle habitual pattern. You may not even be aware you are doing it. Yet not listening to these uncomfortable emotions can have undesirable consequences.

Christopher Germer, in The Mindful Path to Self Compassion, gives an example of how his avoidance almost led to regrettable actions. Germer wanted to be a good caretaker for his independent wife who was recovering from surgery. She was a morning person and he was not, but he was determined to rise early to help her. The first morning he got up to help her, he noticed that he was feeling grumpy and tense. He suffered from morning hypoglycemia and realized he had forgotten to drink juice, but he wanted to be a good husband and decided he could wait. He pushed aside his feelings.

As often happens, pushing away feelings didn't work well. The struggle showed on his face. His wife noticed and became sad. He then felt ashamed and questioned his ability to care for her. He criticized himself, "Maybe I'm not a caregiving person," and also wanted to blame his wife, "She should know I'm not a morning person." He then said to himself, "How can I blame her on her very first day back from the hospital. Today is about her needs, not mine." He was spiraling downward. He noticed his pattern and asked her to wait while he got some juice. He was then able to help her calmly.

Germer points out a pattern that often occurs when people experience difficult emotions:

• "I don't like this feeling."
• "I wish I didn't have this feeling."
• "I shouldn't have this feeling."
• "I'm wrong to have this feeling."
• "I'm bad."

This process isn't helpful. Emotions seem to get stronger the more you fight them. Deciding you are "bad" will only increase your discomfort and the likelihood that you'll act in ways that aren't effective.

Mindfulness of self and emotions can help change this pattern. Recognizing the discomfort you're experiencing can help you consider what actions you need to take to be your most effective self. When you find you don't like a feeling you are having, consider what the message is. Is there some action you need to take? Do you need something? Is it something you need to push through or would another action be best?

When you ignore primary feelings, you're likely to experience secondary emotions. This means that you experience emotions that are in reaction to the first emotion. When you feel hurt, sad, or scared, anger can be a reaction to those emotions and can hide those emotions. Acting on the anger instead of the original feeling often means your actions aren't effective and don't help you live according to your values or goals.

Here's another example. Imagine that you come home from work and your spouse doesn't ask you about a meeting you had been concerned about. You notice a pit in your stomach but tell yourself you are being silly and selfish and push yourself to move on and mow the yard. When you come in, dinner isn't ready. You yell, "Can't you even get dinner ready on time?" The evening goes downhill from there.

The pit in your stomach was a signal of an uncomfortable emotion. Perhaps it was sadness or hurt. Maybe you are ashamed of that reaction or don't think it is justified, but your emotion is giving you a message. Notice the emotion. Perhaps being hurt that she didn't ask isn't really justified, but it's the way you feel.

When you are mindful of your emotions, you notice that her not asking about the meeting is hurtful to you even though you don't think the hurt was justified. Your wife has had a busy day and she is typically very caring. You now have options because you listened to your uncomfortable emotions. You might comfort yourself or show yourself self-compassion such as by saying to yourself, "Of course her attention is important to you. Your emotion is telling you that you want to be important to her.: Then you might ask for her attention and volunteer the information to your wife.

If the emotion is justified, perhaps there's a pattern of your spouse not remembering events that are important to you, then you might react in a different way. You might decide to discuss your feeling with your wife and problem solve. Your hurt is saying that this pattern isn't working for your relationship.

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Mindfulness of self and emotions is a skill that can help you recognize your primary emotions. When you are mindful of your internal experience, you notice it with curiosity. What's happening here? What are the sensations in my body telling me? What emotion is it? When did that emotion start? What's it about? You pay attention to what your emotions are telling you. You keep yourself as part of your focus, whatever you are doing. Being mindful of your difficult emotions can help you choose which skills to use and not act in destructive ways.