Body Language
Bridging Divides
How to deconstruct the moral boundaries between us.
Posted December 12, 2021 Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Key points
- Moral divides result in less communication, less solution-building, less progress, and thereby more stagnation.
- It's important to delve into yourself first to help you not get triggered in the moment and to have a real conversation.
- A two-way conversation needs time in order to develop mutual understanding, and finding common ground is key.
Recently, new political lines are being drawn in areas such as our health, families, and workplaces, and societies are becoming more divided. People are becoming more divided through echo chambers. There's cancel culture. The list goes on.
These moral divides result in less communication, less solution-building, less progress, and thereby more stagnation. There are three (over-simplified) steps to help us bridge the gaps between these moral boundaries and find commonalities again.
1. Self First
Before you can bridge any divides, you first need to delve into yourself. You want to delve into yourself first to help you not get triggered in the moment and to have a real conversation. To have a conversation, you cannot be striving to win or prove your point. You want to remove any victim/perpetrator language to create at minimum understanding and at best collaborative solutions.
Conflict style commonly comes from how conflict or change was dealt with growing up. While some of us had to yell to be heard, others avoided bringing up our emotions to maintain harmony. While some were soothed by others, some had to learn how to self-soothe. How we deal with conflict also changes depending on where we are situated within the conflict. Understanding how you react will help you understand if you are getting triggered or losing control of your emotions in a conversation.
You also want to understand your values and potentially what is at stake for you. Some common things at stake for us are the desire for control, competence, individuality, and social connectedness. Sometimes it's not just about going against your values but sometimes it's a challenge to your sense of self. For instance, if someone brings information to the discussion you weren't aware of, you may feel embarrassed or dumb.
2. Get Curious
Once you are ready to have a conversation, don't rush. You cannot fake curiosity and you cannot rush curiosity. A 10-minute chat to uncover an issue won't be enough. A two-way conversation needs time to delve in to develop mutual understanding. Embrace ambiguity and see this as a quest to uncover their story.
This is an opportunity to learn. It's not about asking them, "Why do you think this?" It's more about unpacking by saying, "Oh, interesting, so would you say …?" It's also important to stay humble with what you don't know. Being open and humble in what you don't know is challenging but it's also very freeing. Removing your ego from things that aren't tied to your identity takes an enormous weight off. Being honest will help them recognize you aren't there to "win." For example, if you know someone who is vaccine-hesitant, you can ask, "On a scale of 1-10, how likely are you to get the vaccine?" This removes the great divide of "vaxxer versus anti-vaxxer" and provides more nuance. If they are a 3/10, then you can delve into what are those few little positive points.
As you chat, watch for body language. If there seems to be tension, try to reframe and reflect the conversation to be about external things rather than them personally. Also, ensure your questions aren't being said with an accusatory tone or framing. You can also ask questions about their body language. For example, if their body language seems inconsistent with their message, asking about it may either give you better insights (e.g., they feel uncomfortable) or may help you understand other information to help you connect (e.g., they have back pain, the room is too cold).
Remember, any conversation is better than no conversation. There is always something to learn. Even if it's not changing your perspective, it's learning about the other person. It's important to show you are open by staying curious with them and don't talk about your point of view until they ask. Then you will establish a point of mutual curiosity.
3. Find Common Ground
Now that you have an understanding of their point of view, find an anchor point. That is, finding some common ground helps you have a point to come back to if emotions take over. Finding common moral ground also helps ensure the conversation stays open and respectful.
With the vaccine hesitation example, perhaps you found out they worried about the long-term effects of the vaccine. You, yourself, are worried about the long-term effects too, but of COVID-19. You both have an anchor point now of long-term effects. From this, you can slowly build the conversation to other areas. Following the example, you would be able to share new research that comes out about the long-term effects of either the vaccine or COVID-19, both knowing you are worried about implications. Remember that change is really hard, but it's much easier to build upon something already there.
After building a connection, you need to keep it alive. Become a person they feel they can talk to and be that "exception" in the person's life. For example, "Oh, not all anti-vaxxers are ill-informed, I know some are just scared." If we all take steps to be each other's exceptions, we can slowly build bridges across the divides that are trying to tear us apart.