The Most Insidious Way a Narcissist Dismantles Your Sense of Self

Your self-esteem can incur damage when you are involved with a narcissist. In fact, the most dangerous time may be when you look at yourself through the narcissist’s distorted lens. You may not realize their perception is skewed, so you trust it. It is like looking at your reflection in a fun house mirror and not realizing the mirror is warped. At first you may be shocked, because it is not how you believed you looked. Next, you may feel shame because you are grossly misshapen and deformed. Lastly, you may berate yourself for ever thinking that you looked good in the first place. Although this metaphor pertains to a person’s physical appearance, the concept may be applied to your sense-of-self as you interact with a narcissist.

A narcissist has a myriad of unconscious defense mechanisms that work together to ward off anything that may ping their sense of self. They use deflection, projection, denial, and cognitive distortions to rewrite history in their head and exonerate themselves, even when they are, undoubtedly, the aggressor.

One example of cognitive distortion is victim stance. The narcissist will skew things in order to believe that they are the victim in every scenario even though they are not. Unfortunately, when the narcissist incorrectly views themselves as the innocent and injured party in the relationship, you are automatically placed in the position of “bad guy.” Their altered reality is imposed on you if you are a person who naturally perspective-takes and looks inward. You view yourself through their fragmented lens, not realizing it is convoluted.

For example, Nick and Ben have been dating for six months. Nick is empathic, emotionally attuned to others, and extremely conscientious. He hates it when people get their feelings hurt, so he strives to be kind and supportive in his close relationships. His friends teasingly refer to him as the friend group’s “therapist” because he is such a good listener. Ben, on the other hand, is the opposite. He is self-centered, oblivious to how his actions and words impact others, and he prefers to hurt people in relationships before they hurt him because he feels that this gives him the upper hand.

Because Nick spends personal time supporting his friends when they are in distress, Ben gets annoyed. He complains that Nick is selfish and self-serving because he wants to be everyone’s “hero.” Ben tells Nick that he is too emotional and that it burdens Ben. “You have NO control over your emotions, Nick! Suddenly you are sad and upset because a friend is struggling. You ruin everything for me because you are way too emotional. It is not good for anyone.”

Nick is a person who naturally tries to understand other people’s perspectives, especially Ben’s. He considers what Ben is saying about who he is and how he acts. He feels shame, self-doubt, and is embarrassed that he has acted selfishly by trying to be everyone’s “hero” when he thought he was simply being a good friend. He starts to withdraw from his friend group because he is unsure of what else to do.

Because Nick views himself through Ben’s distorted lens, he doubts his gift of empathy, emotional attunement to others, and active listening skills. Ben skewed these qualities and deemed them “bad” things. Nick is confused about who he is and clings to Ben because he is unsure of his own identity. Nick’s mental health starts to wane.

If this has happened, you may be filled with self-doubt and shame regarding who you are. You may experience a depletion of confidence, an increase in anxiety, and bouts of significant depression. It may not be until you realize that the narcissist’s view of you is fabricated and false that you start to heal and rebuild a damaged identity. Yet, the longer you have looked at yourself through the narcissist’s eyes, the more time it may take to re-establish a clearer and more accurate sense of self, but it is worth it. You may recover your confidence and your self-worth. Finding a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse may also help.

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