4 Ways a Narcissistic Partner Controls a Couples Counselor

Couples therapy is a great tool when you experience difficulties in your romantic relationship. Yet, with a certain type of partner, it can backfire. A partner who has narcissistic tendencies often quickly manipulates the therapeutic environment by doing four things.

First, they are extremely diplomatic in front of the therapist. Cool under the collar and very composed, the narcissistic partner puts on a show for the therapist. Understandably, this performance may upset you because you experience something very different at home. The therapist may mistakenly view your partner as emotionally regulated and you as angry because they only see the dynamics at play in their office.

Second, the narcissistic partner often finds a way to get in the therapist’s ear without your knowledge. It may be an email or a phone call, but your partner strategically finds time with the therapist behind your back to paint you as “unstable.” Unfortunately, because your partner is a master manipulator, they may successfully convince the therapist that you are the problem. Often, they will refer to you as a narcissist. A therapist who is unfamiliar with defense mechanisms, especially projection, may look at you through the narcissist’s distorted lens and automatically see you as the issue.

Third, your partner may play the victim. So, in the therapy session, your partner feigns hardship, cries, and may even go into hysterics about how “sorry” they are. They may convince the therapist that they are truly remorseful. Yet, outside of the counseling office, they glibly repeat the same hurtful behaviors. The act of appearing apologetic gets them out of the hot seat in session, but they immediately return to the same selfish and hurtful behaviors after therapy. Your understandable reluctance to trust your partner and forgive them may be misinterpreted by the therapist as rigidity.

Fourth, your partner may claim that they do not have many issues with you, but that you are overly critical and demanding of them. When you attempt to explain why you are continually upset with your partner’s extreme inconsideration and lack of empathy, your partner minimizes and justifies their behaviors, making it seem as if you are overreacting. Also, the therapist may fail to recognize that it is your partner’s excessive defensiveness that creates their false belief that you are unfairly picking on them. You become the bully for simply trying to address an issue in the relationship, and when this mischaracterization is reinforced by the therapist, it may feel as if therapy is making things worse.

If these four things are occurring, and your therapist is unable to remain neutral, it may be a sign that the therapy is not constructive. Only a therapist who has empathy for both parties but refrains from continually taking one person’s side is a therapist who can entertain competing perspectives in order to help identify compromises and resolutions that are helpful for both people.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.