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Key points
- A friend who continually uses you may be trouble.
- It's hard to set a boundary because this friend controls the friend group and excludes people who speak up.
- The approach—empathize but do not enable—stops the exploitation but keeps you in this friend's good graces.
When you first meet this friend, they are funny, kind, and real. Yet over time, you discover that they are fairly self-centered, need to control your friend group, and are not shy about using you for what they need. It is both disappointing and maddening, but because you have seen this friend exile other friends who have spoken up, you feel the need to comply. The last thing you want is drama or to be ousted from your crew.
There is one important way to prevent this friend from using you, while remaining in their good graces. But, before we go there, let’s discuss what not to do.
- Do not confront them because they may deflect, project, deny, distort, and play the victim. The interaction may escalate, and they may use something you said in anger, during the conflict, and frame you as “aggressive” and “mean” with mutual friends. Although you’d like the friend to gain insight about how unfairly they treat you, they may never “get it” and the aftermath may be painful.
- Do not explain how you feel. A narcissistic friend may lack empathy, so it’s useless. Also, they may use the information about how you feel in the future to hurt you. It’s their way of getting the “upper hand” in the friendship. It may be safest to keep your feelings on lockdown.
- No matter how atrocious they have been, do not call them negative names, like “mean girl” or “ego-maniac.” They may not see your point, but they will use your moment of weakness to roast you behind your back with the rest of your friends.
Now, here is what to do. Empathize, but do not enable. When the friend asks you to do something for them and you recognize that you will be exploited, empathize but do not enable.
For example, your friend wants you to help her with a project. In the past, when you agreed, you ended up doing the entire assignment for her. This time, you decide to put your foot down and you say, “I know this work gives you so much anxiety. I am sure you are on the edge of a panic attack. I get it and I am here for you—I promise—but I cannot come over. I will be your cheerleader from afar. You got this!”
The friend may ask why you cannot come over because they wish to poke holes in your explanation and inflict guilt. Strong insinuations that you are not a good friend because you won’t assist are typically made by this type of person. Remember, remain calm, and continue to provide empathy, but do not elaborate or defend yourself. For example, “I know you are anxious. I am here for you. I really am. I cannot be there in person, but I am with you in spirit! I promise.”
Again, they may demand to know why you won’t help so they can dismantle your excuse, but do not tell them. Repeat the compassionate sentiments and stand your ground. “I know you are anxious and panicked. I’m sending you two breathing videos. I’m here for moral support. You got this. You really are amazing.”
Next, politely say, “I have to go. You are a boss. You got this!” If your friend bombards you with texts or emails, ignore them. Distract yourself and go for a bike ride or a hike. Moving around in nature helps discharge the nervous energy generated from instilling a boundary with a narcissist.
Hopefully, by then, the friend has moved on to someone who they can successfully manipulate. At this point, feel free to send a supportive and kind text like, “I know this is a hard night for you and I am so proud of you for all of your hard work and determination!” You may get a snarky text back, but this is typical for this type of friend. Chalk it up to emotional immaturity.
The important aspect about this approach is that your narcissistic friend does not have any ammunition to use against you. You were supportive, kind, and encouraging. You did not engage in any disagreement about the situation because you did not elaborate on anything. The friend has nothing to weaponize and use against you. The friend may be cold and bratty for a while, but they have nothing to wreck you with, so they may quickly forget and move on.
It is important to keep your power while maintaining a positive and kind stance. Refraining from explaining or defending yourself leaves the narcissistic friend with little recourse and zero bullets to fire back at you. You may not end up being the friend’s bestie, but that may be a good thing. A friend with strong narcissistic tendencies is often safer as a buddy, chum, or pal.
