5 Signs a Toxic Parent Is Involved With Your Child’s Team

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As a parent, it is both exhilarating and stressful to have a child athlete who is competing at a high level. The relief you experience after try-outs is amazing and the initial camaraderie on the team may be intoxicating.

Unbeknownst to you, however, there are parents who are vying for control behind the scenes. It is difficult to believe that parents can be unscrupulous in order to influence a coach and lineup, but it may be a reality.

Unfortunately, this type of parent is not actually looking out for their child; they are protecting their own ego. A parent who loves their child unconditionally can withstand the child’s losses, failures, and mistakes, and still empathize with them. This parent supports the child and honors their feelings. For example:

"You are disappointed that you lost. I get it. I’d feel the same way. (Pause) But you fought hard, never gave up, and made great passes. You are a strong team player and leader. You’ll get it next time. I’m proud of you."

Alternatively, a parent with fragile self-esteem will either berate the child for losing or detach from the child emotionally because they cannot endure the blow to their own ego. The parent needs to protect their own self-esteem, instead of resonating with the child’s feelings during a rough moment.

For example, a parent who is humiliated by her daughter’s loss may say, "I cannot believe you forgot to back up second base. You cannot forget things like that! What is wrong with you? I cannot believe I pay for private lessons when you play like that. What a waste." Even more destructive is when a parent sees their child as a “victim” when they do not win. Often this type of parent makes excuses for their child and shifts the blame onto others. The parent tells the child the loss was not their fault and points the finger at a teammate or the coach, instead of allowing the child to own their mistakes so they can learn and grow. For example, “This is Libby’s fault. She should have passed the ball to you. You had the open shot. She lost the game for you.”

Spotting this type of parent early may help you see their manipulative behaviors. The awareness may help you expect toxic comments and behaviors, instead of being blindsided and acting defensively.

5 signs of a toxic parent

1. They butter up the coach early in the season. They flatter the coach and stroke the coach’s ego. They may give the coach gifts at the beginning of the season or invite them to dinner. Getting in the coach’s “ear” is a necessity for this type of parent. They wish to deter the coach from playing the players who have fairly earned their spot, in order to get their child a better position on the team.
2. They do a lot of extra stuff for the team, which they publicize. For example, they ensure everyone on the team knows that they organized and ran the fundraiser that paid for practice space. They attempt to pose as the team’s “hero” and most dedicated parent. Their inflated public image allows them to wield a little power and also camouflages their real motive. Often, they use their good deeds to persuade the coach to do things in their child’s favor. If a coach feels like they “owe” this parent, they may do what the parent wants.
3. They control the team’s social life during the season. This parent organizes multiple social events but repeatedly fails to include one or two kids on the team, encouraging a divide in the team. The kids at the party feel important and embraced and do not want to lose this status, so they subtly separate themselves from the other kids. The parent successfully splits the team and attempts to undermine specific kids’ confidence by routinely leaving them out. If the parent is confronted, they usually make up an excuse. You may even start to see this divide during competitions. One set of kids criticizes and blames a targeted few. Often, they loudly complain about their teammates’ performance to make it known that they are superior and annoyed to be tethered to kids they believe are not worthy.
4. They set you up. The problematic parent is extremely friendly at the beginning of the season. This may be a trap. They diplomatically ask you for your opinion of other kids. Thinking this person is safe and trustworthy, you may admit that there are some kids your child gets along with and others with whom they do not. The next thing you know, the parent is giving you the cold shoulder and so are some other parents. It is confusing because you recognize you did not say anything inappropriate, but this parent may have skewed your words and told other parents that you were talking negatively about their kids. Ironically, they are the ones misrepresenting things and talking disparagingly behind your back. You did nothing wrong, but they make it seem as if you are the problem.
5. They show up “blinged out.” They are either in spirit wear from head to toe, decked out in name brands, or wearing expensive apparel. Rarely does this type of parent show up in baggy sweatpants and an old T-shirt. They want attention and they wish to look important. They are enamored with status and power and want to appear as if they have both.

When you try to talk to this parent about how you feel, they may become indignant and deny they did anything wrong. They align other parents with them, and you may be shunned. Feeling like an outcast, you worry that your child feels similarly. You wonder how a parent can get away with things like this. You may consider taking the blame for the situation to end the emotional mistreatment. Instead, ignore this parent. If you appear indifferent when they make toxic comments or attempt to gaslight, they may become more motivated to “get to you.” Although this sounds counterintuitive, it can work because this parent may up the ante. As they go to greater lengths to mistreat you, they may inadvertently reveal their true self to other families.

With regard to your child, empathize with their feelings without turning them against their teammates: "It hurts to be the only one not invited. I get it. You have every right to feel that way. Let’s get together with friends who are not on your team." This may help your child realize that they have lots of friends. If one friend group turns sour, there are others who like them and want to spend time with them.

Dealing with a toxic parent can sabotage they great joy of supporting your child with their passion. However, if you recognize this type of parent from the get-go, you can better protect yourself by ignoring, avoiding, and appearing indifferent to toxic behaviors.