Understand a Narcissist From an Object Relations Perspective

Applying knowledge from Melanie Klein’s object relations theory may be useful when dealing with a narcissist. Often a person with strong narcissistic tendencies relates to the people closest to him or her more as objects than human beings. A narcissist primarily fixates on his or her own feelings, so he or she often neglects to contemplate how others feel. This egocentric perspective hinders the narcissist from resonating with a feeling that differs from his or her experience. Negating a person’s emotions in the context of an interpersonal relationship is one way a narcissist dehumanizes loved ones.

The narcissist’s lack of empathy is most apparent in relationships that are supposed to be close and less obvious in relationships with acquaintances. A narcissist is often motivated to plump up his or her public image, so he or she easily extends sympathy to strangers. Feeling sorry for someone places the narcissist in a position of power and allows him or her the opportunity to be the “hero.” On the other hand, authentic empathy requires the narcissist to place himself or herself on “an even playing field” with a loved one in order to relate to that person as an equal human being—one who is entitled to his or her own emotions. Unfortunately, the narcissist may be too insecure to accomplish this. Manipulation and control are typically the ways a narcissist takes the power inappropriately in a relationship.

Idealization vs. devaluation

Two unconscious defense mechanisms, idealization and devaluation, help the narcissist unscrupulously gain control in an interpersonal relationship. The idealized or “good object” is a person who the narcissist puts on a pedestal. According to the narcissist, this person can do no wrong. The devalued object, on the other hand, is a person who the narcissist views as the problem. Constantly berated, blamed, excluded, and ignored, the devalued or “bad object” is the narcissist’s scapegoat for anything and everything that goes wrong in his or her life.

Typically, many people in a narcissist’s inner circle began as idealized objects. Wooing them is how the narcissist “reels” them in. It also immediately sets the stage for his or her ability to manipulate.

The tricky part about the narcissist’s constellation of good and bad objects is that they are constantly interchanged by the narcissist so that he or she maintains control. For example, the idealized object remains the good object as long as he or she is gratifying the narcissist’s ego. If the narcissist is unhappy with this person, the narcissist immediately switches to idealizing the individual that is in the devalued position. As the original idealized object “falls from grace,” extreme panic may set in regarding the emotional abandonment. In order to avoid rejection and replacement, the “good object” may be tempted to immediately make a personal sacrifice in order to please the narcissist and prove his or her loyalty. This provides the narcissist with an inordinate amount of control in the relationship.

On the opposite front, the devalued object longs to be cherished again by the narcissist. Devastated from the mistreatment, the devalued object may attempt to do everything in his or her power to regain the lost status and avoid future abandonment and rejection. He or she longs to be “loved” again.

This three-person charade puppeteered by the narcissist is often referred to as triangulation. The narcissist aligns one person with him or her and against the third party. The person who is excluded often clamors to be accepted again and the person who is aligned with the narcissist fights to remain in the privileged position. Regardless, the narcissist maintains two people under his or her emotional control.

In addition, a person can switch from a good to a bad object in the narcissist’s eyes in a moment. For example, Lisa is anxious about irritating her friend Rachel, who can be temperamental. Lisa fears being excluded from her friends by Rachel because Rachel seems to control the group, so Lisa goes out of her way to offer to write a paper for her. Rachel takes her up on the invitation and receives an A+ on the assignment. She is extremely happy and invites Lisa to attend a special party with her. At the event, Rachel’s ex-boyfriend says “Hi” to Lisa. Rachel is enraged and accuses Lisa of flirting with her ex-partner. The next day at school, Rachel refuses to talk to Lisa and aligns their mutual friends against her. In this scenario, Lisa transitions from an idealized object to a devalued object in Rachels’s perception instantaneously.

When involved in triangulation, it is difficult to decipher. In order to accurately perceive the dynamic, it may be necessary to get some space from the narcissist. Obtaining distance may help a person gain perspective because he or she is less prone to active manipulation. Although the narcissist may turn on the charm because he or she senses a person pulling away, the person may try separating a bit in order to get both perspective and strength.