The 6 Things Kids Actually Need From Their Parents

Source: Jenalee Doom

I only became a mom one-and-a-half years ago, though I have spent much of the past 11 years studying and thinking about child development. As a developmental psychologist, one of the main questions I get asked is, “Does knowing so much about child development make you even more stressed as a parent?”

I’ve had this conversation with some of my developmental psychology colleagues who are parents, and I’ve gotten varying answers from them. Some say they worry more since they have more knowledge about all of the factors that can potentially affect child development. However, my answer to this question is that knowing what factors matter most for supporting healthy development has actually made me less stressed about the daily decisions I make.

My friends who are parents ask me about screen time, nutrition, and the best toys to enhance child development. I understand why they feel concerned. The media (and parenting influencers) tell us these topics involve make-or-break decisions that we need to be thinking about all the time.

And companies capitalize on our parenting stress and guilt by selling us things that are supposedly good for our kids and will give us a break from the constant planning and guilt if we just click “buy.” This constant stream of information makes us feel like bad parents if we’re not constantly planning ahead for the next nutritious meal, playtime activity, or even developmental stage. For the most part, the things that these companies and influencers are selling us likely have little to no impact on our child’s development, though the stress it puts on parents is high.

Here are some of my takeaways from what research says really matters:

1. Secure relationships. One of the most important things for children’s development is having secure and stable relationships with caregivers. If you’re consistently showing up for your kid and being present with them when you’re together, you’re doing one of the best things for their healthy development.
2. Authoritative parenting. Being warm and sensitive to your child’s needs while also setting boundaries (as opposed to being overly strict or not setting any boundaries) is associated with better child outcomes.
3. Flexible routines. Predictability in daily activities, such as generally having dinner together and establishing a consistent bedtime, is important. However, it’s OK to be flexible when needed.
4. (Generally) balanced meals. If your child generally eats a variety of food groups, they’re likely getting many of the nutrients they need for healthy development (though check with your pediatrician if you’re concerned).
5. Chances to explore. Kids learn about the world when given opportunities to explore new things in a safe environment. It doesn’t need to cost money to explore something new (e.g., checking out a new park or a library).
6. Caregivers who can take care of their needs. High caregiver stress and depression can be bad for kids’ health. Instead of feeling guilty for prioritizing your mental health, remember that taking care of your mental health is one of the best things you can do for your kid.

Because of what I know about child development...:

• I don’t stress when my daughter watches some "Bluey" while I finish making dinner, because I know we’ll play or read together when dinner is done.
• I don’t stress when we’re eating dinner out and there are no fruits or veggies because I know she’ll get more variety at other meals.
• I don’t stress about what toys I need to buy her because I know she’ll learn just as much by exploring our kitchen utensils or playing in the leaves as she will with expensive toys.
• I don’t stress if kids her age hit certain milestones before her. Instead, I marvel at the variability in the timing of development across kids because she’ll be hitting that milestone before I know it.

Learning more about child development has helped me let go of the parenting guilt, and I hope these insights help you let go of the guilt, too.

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