Navigating Relationships: The Power of Healthy Boundaries

What do you think of when you hear the word “boundaries”? Caregiving types of people, people-pleasers, often experience immediate feelings of anxiety when it comes to saying no, asking for help, or limiting the amount they give to others, which are all examples of boundary setting. Boundaries make them think of strict rules, grounds for conflict, or maybe something they aspire to implement but feel at a loss as to how they can set boundaries while maintaining their relationships.

It is common for people to feel overwhelmed, burned out, and like showing up in their relationships feels like too much. When you’re so busy focusing on another person’s needs and avoiding disapproval, you can easily lose sight of your place in the relationship. Have you stopped to consider what it is you need to be a partner within the relationship? In other words, what would it look like to be well in your relationships?

Being well can take the form of boundary setting. You can start to show self-respect in your relationship by saying no to certain requests, being more selective about the things you agree to, and speaking up about how things make you feel in your relationships.

This post will cover some common beliefs we hold about what “good” relationships entail, the downfalls of not setting boundaries, and the benefits of practicing boundary setting and maintaining self-awareness in our relationships. Lastly, I will share some examples of how to state your needs and assert healthy boundaries.

Common Beliefs About Being a “Good” Person in a Relationship

As my clients work through their feelings of general burnout and chronic stress, we begin to unpack common beliefs they have about what it means to be a “good person” in a relationship whether it is a personal or professional one. Some common phrases I’ve heard from my clients when it comes to boundary setting include:

"Saying no is selfish."

"By asking for help, you’re taking away from others or being a burden."

"Asserting your needs makes you look needy, mean, and pushy."

We adopt cultural and societal expectations over the course of our lifetimes about what it means to say no and to express our needs. These expectations can vary based on aspects of our social identities such as gender, race, and class. We adhere to these expectations because we want to avoid being rejected or being perceived as “bad”. However, we can suffer negative consequences if we only operate from societal and cultural expectations and never stop to acknowledge what it is we actually value and need.

Negative Consequences of Not Asserting Boundaries

• Lack of self-awareness: We lose the self-awareness necessary to know what it is we need to ask for in order to be satisfied within our relationships. It makes sense that you won’t know the difference between what you really want versus what others want from you if you’re too busy absorbing others’ requests. This can lead to extending yourself beyond your limits of what feels okay or engaging in behaviors that are ultimately not good for your well-being.
• Burnout: When you’re giving so much time and energy in your relationships without taking stock of what you need, including breaks or help, then you will eventually lose steam. Burnout in relationships can feel like lack of motivation and joy or a sense of hopelessness about the future of a relationship. I often hear clients describe this as the “I can’t even…” feeling. When you’re giving from a place of lack, it is only a matter of time until you are empty both physically and emotionally.
• Resentment: People can start to harbor negative feelings towards certain people in relationships over time. Resentment is akin to feeling bitter, victimized, and perpetual irritation. When you keep forgoing your needs and claiming “it’s fine” when it’s not, resentment can build up like a pressure cooker accumulating steam without a release valve. As you can imagine, this leads to trouble in the long term.
• Relationship conflict: Relationship conflicts often stem from when partners don’t have a clear understanding of what each other’s needs and preferences are. While we don’t want these negative outcomes to happen, we forget those are essentially what we’re heading toward if we don’t speak up for what it is we need. It’s what is called “operating from missing information” which can lead to mistakes and conflict. People make assumptions and try to fill in the blanks of what information is missing.

The Benefits of Practicing Boundary Setting

• Greater clarity about what is okay and what is not okay: There’s a misconception that boundary setting is only a series of no statements and rejections. It’s not! You can share with others what it is you need in a positive sense. In other words, you can tell people what things they can do that will be helpful. This gives others a clearer direction for how they can support you.
• Allows you to say yes to other, more important things: Not a day goes by when someone isn’t asking us for something. Stop defaulting to yes without thinking and pause to ask yourself if saying yes to a request is actually something you want to do, can do, or if you are the correct person for the situation. If you have reservations about those factors, listen to that part of yourself. You and the other person deserve to have you agreeing whole-heartedly to a request rather than half-heartedly trying to get too many things done and feeling burned out.
• You model to others that it is possible to say no and still maintain a good connection: There is often a negative value judgment associated with stating needs and asserting boundaries. People fear they’ll lose connections or respect from others if they assert boundaries. Instead, practicing boundary setting is a way to clarify the terms of what it means to have a respectful dynamic between individuals. It’s not an act of taking away or being aggressive towards another. The more we can model boundary setting as a mutually beneficial act, the more likely others will understand and honor these actions.

How to Communicate Your Needs Clearly and Effectively

1. Tell people what is okay, not just what is not okay. “I would really like it if you/we did it this way [Include specific action-based instructions or details]. Again, the clearer, the better.
2. After you state what it is you need (help, delegation, actions on their part), do not apologize for it. Instead, thank people for listening and respecting your boundaries and requests.
3. Say yes to fewer but more important requests. Delegate, postpone, or get rid of the unimportant non-urgent requests. “I can complete this task, but in order to do my best on this, I can’t fulfill this other request right now. I can tell you of someone else who can do it for you.”
4. Postpone a request for later. This is a good way to stay connected to someone you want to stay in touch with, but don’t want to reject a request or close a potential door. “I’m glad you asked me about this. While I can’t meet this month, how does [later time frame] work for you?”

Whether you identify as a people-pleaser or not, I would gather most of us ideally want to feel satisfied in our relationships and have them operate smoothly. To make this happen, you may need to change some of the ways you communicate and engage. It can feel challenging to try new ways of engaging with others, but with practice, these behaviors can lead closer to connections based on mutual understanding and respect, and further away from burnout and resentment.

Boundaries Essential Reads

Understanding Justice Sensitivity

6 Boundaries That Will Strengthen Your Relationship

One of the phrases I like to remind myself and my clients of is: You can only give from what you have. This helps me resist the temptation to give more than I have to give and helps prevent me from feeling burned out. I find it helps clients hold themselves accountable to take care of themselves once they realize it creates a positive feedback loop by doing so. The more they can take care of themselves, the more they can actually bring to the relationships they care about. Ultimately isn’t that what we all want?