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Key points
- Competitiveness can drive growth or fuel self-doubt and comparison.
- Reframe competitiveness as a signal, revealing your values, insecurities, and aspirations.
- Shift from comparing to others to focusing on personal growth and self-improvement.
Sally [name changed to protect confidentiality] has a complicated relationship with her competitive instincts. On the one hand, she thrives on the exhilaration of a fierce tennis match, savoring the endorphin rush and the satisfaction of pushing herself to achieve what seemed impossible in her life. But in social settings, that same competitiveness takes on a different tone. When a friend casually mentions his latest high-ticket acquisitions or rattles off his kids’ impressive accomplishments, Sally can’t help but compare herself. In fact, her internal comparison meter turns on automatically, leaving her feeling annoyed, anxious, and even ashamed. “I like being competitive, but I also wish I wasn’t so competitive. It makes my stomach churn!” she vented during one of our sessions.
Competitiveness can feel deeply paradoxical. For Sally, her competitive drive had propelled her career forward, earning her accolades and opportunities. But it also left her feeling inadequate, as though life was a constant race and she was always at risk of trailing behind.
The dual nature of competitiveness is what makes it so fascinating—and so tricky. Imagine competitiveness as a double-edged blade. When wielded with intention, it sharpens our focus and inspires us to excel. But left unchecked, it can wound us, carving deep grooves of comparison and self-doubt.
When we struggle with the negative emotions competitiveness brings, it’s often because it masks something more vulnerable. When we feel a flicker of resentment every time someone else posts a win, is it really about wanting to outdo them? Or is it about feeling unseen, left behind, or not good enough? In these moments, competitiveness isn’t about being “better”— it’s about proving worth. And when we feel undervalued and insecure, competitive feelings might arise as a way to regain a sense of importance or control, providing a socially acceptable outlet for deeper longings.
These patterns often start early in life. Imagine a child growing up in a household where praise and love seem tied to success. Grades, awards, and accolades become markers of worth, and competition becomes a familiar way to seek validation. A scarcity mindset—in which opportunities feel limited—only fuels the drive to compete. Even as adults, these lessons stick with us, shaping how we navigate our social and professional worlds.
Managing Feelings of Competitiveness
The question isn’t how to suppress competitiveness; it’s how to reframe it. Competitiveness can be a signal—a clue pointing us toward what we value, where we feel insecure, or what we aspire to be. The key is to approach it with curiosity rather than judgment.
1. Reflect on Your Triggers. The next time you feel that familiar pang of competitiveness, pause and ask yourself, “What’s really going on here?” Journaling can be a helpful tool for this. Consider prompts like:
- “What situation made me feel competitive recently?”
- “What emotions came up, and why do I think they surfaced?
Writing about these moments can help you understand the deeper feelings driving your competitive instincts.
2. Shift from Scarcity to Gratitude. When competitiveness flares, it often reflects a scarcity mindset—the belief that someone else’s success diminishes our own. Combat this by listing three things you’re genuinely grateful for in your own life. Gratitude can help shift your perspective to one of abundance, reducing the sting of comparison. Studies show that practicing gratitude increases contentment and lessens the urgency to compete.
3. Communicate Openly. If competitiveness affects your relationships, consider expressing your feelings. A statement like “I sometimes feel left out when we talk about accomplishments” can open a dialogue and foster understanding. Competitiveness doesn’t have to create distance; it can actually deepen relationships when approached with honesty and care.
4. Focus on Self-Improvement. Reframe competitiveness as an opportunity for growth rather than comparison. Instead of asking, “How do I measure up to them?” ask, “What can I learn from this?” If someone’s career success sparks envy, reflect on what specifically inspires you about their achievements. Use those insights to set personal goals that align with your values, turning competitiveness into a tool for self-betterment.
5. Celebrate Progress Over Perfection. Competitiveness often tempts us to focus solely on outcomes: winning, excelling, being the best. But real growth happens when we value the process. Celebrate the effort and progress you’ve made, even if the finish line feels far away. Shifting the focus to the journey helps build resilience and fosters intrinsic motivation.
The next time you notice that familiar pang, take a breath and get curious. What is it telling you about your needs, your desires, or your fears? Sally, too, has started to recognize her competitiveness as a clue rather than a flaw. By reframing it as a signal and listening without judgment, she has begun to channel her competitive instincts in ways that inspire growth and self-acceptance. Remember: It’s not about winning the race; it’s about running it in a way that feels meaningful to you. Competitiveness, when harnessed with intention, can be a powerful tool for growth rather than a burden of comparison. After all, the most fulfilling race is one where you’re running toward becoming your best self.
