The Tradwife Trend Is a Risky Throwback

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For the last decade, I’ve hosted a website aimed at informing and connecting solo mothers. Every day, I hear about their many financial and emotional challenges. Engaged in the exhausting juggling act of raising children on their own, these women didn’t grow up dreaming of being single moms, yet here they are. Based on what I know about the route to solo motherhood and its reality, the recent social media trend of promoting “tradwives” and “stay-at-home girlfriends” worries me.

Whether the message comes from influencers, politicians, or even a kicker for the Kansas City Chiefs, convincing young women to forgo employment and focus on the domestic sphere is a dangerous proposition for them—and not so great for the men in their lives, either. I’ll explain why below.

In addition, what is now referred to as the “tradwife” harks back to the 1950s male-breadwinner, female-homemaker model of middle-class, white households. It is not, in fact, “traditional,” in the sense that it hasn’t represented most households for most of human history. In the United States, for example, working-class women and women of color typically have always had to work outside their own homes.

As a feminist, I’m disheartened by this trend, which undermines the strides women have taken to become financially independent. Yet, as a sociologist, I understand the social forces that make the role of “tradwife” and “stay-at-home girlfriend” appealing. It’s imperative to examine why young women are attracted to this trend and to warn them that there's a reason why older women like myself rose against separate gender spheres in the first place.

Why Opting for the Domestic Realm Seems Appealing

• The lure of financial security and an easier life. There’s no doubt that women feel let down by a society where long-term financial security seems out of reach and where male partners often fail to do their fair share of the housework. The focused clarity of the tradwife role can be appealing, as can the promise of being financially cared for.
• A hostile labor market. Many young women grew up watching their moms struggle with unequal pay, limited job opportunities, and the stress of trying to parent as if they don’t work and work as if they don’t parent. Our society fails to provide affordable childcare, backup options for sick children, flextime, part-time work with reasonable benefits, and family leave options. Although young women are often better educated than their male counterparts, they know that no matter how hard they work, insurmountable hurdles may make employment not worth the effort.
• Lack of a safety net. In her new book Holding it Together: How Women Became America’s Safety Net, sociologist Jessica Calarco correctly asserts that while many other countries have social safety nets, the United States has women. Having watched their mothers, older sisters, aunts, and grandmothers perform unpaid caregiving for children, the elderly, and the disabled, young women are aware that women perform most unpaid care work, often sacrificing promising careers in the process. For today’s young women, seeking out a financially secure husband or boyfriend who will allow her to dedicate herself to the domestic realm might feel like a rational calculation.

The Danger of Devotion to the Domestic Realm

• Considerable financial risk. No one plans to divorce, be widowed, or end up with a disabled or addicted spouse, but it happens more often than most folks want to believe: 35-50% of marriages end in divorce, 1 million women are widowed every year, and 46.8 million Americans battled a substance abuse disorder in the past year. Every day, I hear from solo moms facing financial distress and other crises for which they are unprepared. On average, a woman’s household income falls 41% after divorce, for example. Financial crises are especially challenging for women who lack job skills and experience. Of course, solo moms become resilient by necessity, but too many work long hours and sacrifice their physical and mental well-being for their children.
• Loss of control over family money. Ironically, tradwife content creators are engaged in paid work, yet support an agenda that ultimately undermines women and empowers men. Having only one breadwinner in the household creates asymmetry in partnerships. The dependent partner may lack power in spending and saving decisions, or lack access to information about household income and expenses, profoundly compromising her ability to partake in important financial decisions.
• Unequal power and emotional dependency. Feminism emerged because women felt powerless and unhappy being dependent on men for their financial and emotional well-being. And it’s worth remembering that during the mythical halcyon days of the past that tradwife influencers glorify, women could be legally raped by their spouses. Perhaps in the short term, being taken care of and avoiding the labor market seems less stressful, but it often comes at the cost of boredom, lack of fulfillment, and even emotional and physical abuse. I’ve heard from too many women who are trapped in psychologically, physically, and financially abusive relationships because they don’t trust that they can succeed and survive on their own.
• Learned helplessness. Because the gender division of labor is so strong in their marriages, many tradwives never learn to make financial decisions and manage money. By focusing on traditionally “female” tasks, they are robbed of the efficacy that comes with being a functioning adult. Too many divorced women and widows are clueless about how to pay taxes, insurance, mortgages, and utilities. Once on their own, they feel completely helpless.

Disadvantages for Solo Male Breadwinners

• Learned helplessness. Just as women have learned helplessness in traditional marriages, so do men. It's the norm for men in these marriages to become inept at jobs in the domestic realm, such as cooking, cleaning, and childcare. Some are so uncomfortable looking after their own children that they refer to it as “babysitting.” Divorced men may be unprepared and overwhelmed when they suddenly have to step up and perform these activities.
• Less connected to their children. The traditional “male breadwinner” role separates fathers from their children in ways that both groups often regret. Recognizing that this alienation between fathers and children is bad for the family and society, some countries require fathers to stay home for some time after a child’s birth—in Sweden, for ten days. Sweden and other nations also encourage men to take a lengthier paid paternity leave. Men have received these policies as meaningful and fulfilling. They force a young father, and perhaps future employer, to experience both how hard it is to take care of children—and, ultimately, how rewarding.
• The added pressure of being the only breadwinner. The pressure to support the whole family can be exhausting and stressful. This responsibility may constrain men from seeking more interesting, lower-paying work and lead them to stay in jobs they hate. Bearing all the financial burden can be especially weighty when a wife lacks the skills or experience to get a job during an economic downturn or to help meet an unexpected medical or other large expense.

The truth is that most families require more than one income to stay afloat, regardless of how much one might want to stay home. Social media’s obsession with women in the home isn’t a “how to,” but yet another fantasy. Influencers present a lifestyle of financial security with an emphasis on material consumption and pampering.

Akin to our fascination with celebrities, it's fun to daydream about not working, eating at expensive restaurants, and indulging in spa time. But if such content leads young women to choose to forgo education and labor market skill-building, they are setting themselves up for a profoundly disappointing reality and considerable risk to their emotional and financial well-being. My message to young women? We’ve already been in the kitchen. Trust me: there was a reason we wanted out.