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Key points
- Significant difference of opinion with loved ones can lead to confusion, frustration, and heartache.
- Approaching such differences with compassion and open-heartedness allows room for maintaining connection.
- We can maintain relationship with loved ones even when we disagree.
Elections can bring about significant debate and conflict among friends and family members, but so can other topics such as wars, religion, or parenting strategies. It’s easier to walk away from or dismiss those with whom we have no relationship, but significant differences with those whom we know and love can be much more challenging. We may be genuinely curious about why or how these beliefs came to be, and we likely hold onto a hope that we might be able to change their minds. Approaching differences of opinion with loved ones can be complex but might be eased just a bit if we consider several metaphorical steps.
In the Beginning: Approaching a Drawbridge
When opening up a conversation with someone about whom we care but we know has differing opinions, we likely need to approach gently and kindly. “I know we disagree about this, but I really would like to hear more about what you believe” tends to go much further than “That’s so stupid” or “I can’t believe you think that way.” Opening up conversation is like making attempts at opening up a drawbridge; you can't get in unless you provide some friendly, benevolent, encouraging statements to start. If the other individual senses you are ready to fight, they are likely to be more defensive, on guard, shut down or combative.
Getting Started: Dipping in a Toe
Just as we might dip a toe into a body of water to check on the temperature before potentially diving in, conversations often need a similar slow approach. We might throw out a couple of possible conversation starters to check on the “warmth of the water” before fully immersing in the heavy topics. If we sense shockingly cold or aversive circumstances, it is likely better to withdraw and step back. But if instead we sense that the atmosphere suggests that it might be reasonably agreeable to dialogue, we might advance slowly and tentatively towards more exchange of ideas. Maintaining an atmosphere of connectedness despite the differences is ideal.
Proceeding With Conversation: Letting the River Flow
If our motive is to try to change the other person’s mind or list the many reasons they are wrong, this is not likely to go or end well. But if instead we are truly approaching the conversation from an angle of wanting to understand more about their position and possibly sharing more of our position, this might indeed lead to increased awareness and understanding. Letting the river flow suggests an approach of allowing things to progress naturally without interference or insistent personal motives. We are much more likely to hear more about our loved one’s position if we allow them to speak without continual interruption or debate. We might offer up, “May I share my perspective on this? I see it differently” or “I have learned more about this from different sources and wonder if I might provide some additional information?” If the conversation turns more inflammatory or confrontative, this lets us know that likely we need to return to other more neutral or positive streams of discussion.
Small Steps to Start: Breadcrumbs Not Bulldozers
One of the biggest mistakes individuals often make is attempting to jump into the most significant difference and push their own agenda. Instead, we often find more success in small steps of pointing out disparity or compassionate questions to elicit more understanding of potential common ground. Aggressively bulldozing a conversation with substantial points of contention is not likely to be as effective as dropping a few breadcrumbs of potential consideration. This might lead the other person to be curious or inquisitive about the small points, and this might lead to more productive conversation potentially – even if the larger dissimilarity continues. Having some points of similarity or agreement also allows there to be more positive connection, even if the larger points remain quite disparate.
If Disagreement Persists: It's Like Managing Heartburn
When we are experiencing heartburn, we feel the discomfort quite acutely and know that likely we need to treat this condition tenderly. We might turn to more bland foods, take some soothing medications, or position ourselves in a way that allows the burning sensations to settle. A significant disagreement with a loved one might feel like out heart is aching in grief, sadness, confusion, or despair – and we sometimes have to softly accept the fact that this is what it is at this time. Coming to terms with how we might need to agree to disagree is not an easy position, but it is helped if we can approach the other (and ourselves) with more compassion, patience and charity. Sometimes steps towards de-escalation becomes the primary focus rather than continued consideration or fuller understanding.
Loving the Person Despite Differences: Meeting on the Bridge
If we decide the relationship matters more to us than the disagreement, we can aim to build a bridge. We can still love the person but not the belief. We may each stand firm in our ideas or convictions on our own side of the bridge, but we may choose to meet half-way in service of maintaining a connection in other domains. Rather than attempting to pull that person back to our “side of the bridge” with incessant persuasion or negative judgment, it instead becomes important to meet in the middle. This sort of stance is not about coming to an agreement or compromise but more about developing true tolerance and open-minded respect. We may not agree or understand their position, but if we want to stay in connection with this individual, there is a need for radically accepting differences and prioritizing relationships despite this divide.
