The Weight of a Guilty Secret

It’s one of the best—and worst—things about being human: being able to keep secrets from other people. Sometimes keeping a secret can lead to really good things, like hosting a surprise party for someone who actually enjoys surprise parties. But, at other times, having a secret can feel less like a blessing and more like a burden.

A lot of us are shouldering the burden that goes along with carrying around one or more guilty secrets: 97 percent of us, in fact, at least according to one group of researchers. And there’s a price to be paid for that act of concealment: an increased risk of mental and physical health problems and poorer quality relationships.

The hidden costs of carrying a secret

As a culture, we’re obsessed with secrets. Just think of novels, movies, and TV shows that rely on secrets as plot engines. But while guilty secrets may be the stuff of which great entertainment is made, they aren’t a lot of fun to live with in your own life.

According to a 2019 study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, keeping a secret requires a huge amount of cognitive and emotional energy. You’re trying to balance two competing motivations:

1. Your desire to be open and honest with other people
2. Your desire to avoid any negative social repercussions as a result of revealing any deep, dark secrets about yourself

You’re doing battle with yourself and it can be exhausting.

The hard work of trying not to think about that secret

Why does keeping a secret require so much energy? A brief explanation:

You’ve no doubt heard about the famous white bear experiment, where research subjects who were instructed not to think about a white bear quickly discovered that their efforts to suppress those thoughts backfired. Their brains kept reminding them not to think about white bears, which meant they were constantly thinking about white bears!

There’s a similar phenomenon at play when it comes to keeping a secret, only the stakes are that much higher. If only your secret-obsessed brain would settle for thinking about something as innocuous as a white bear as opposed to that terrible thing you did (or didn’t) do.

The loneliness of keeping a secret

Feeling the need to keep a secret can leave you feeling isolated from others. You might find yourself experiencing feelings of fear, hostility, guilt, and sadness as you weigh the pros and cons of opening up to someone. It would be such a relief to be able to share your secret with others—but at what cost?

Bottom line: The price of having a guilty secret can be considerable. You may end up feeling “internally conflicted, socially isolated, and fatigued,” according to the authors of this study. Because keeping a secret can be lonely and exhausting work.