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Key points
- Many men are open to a reformation of masculinity and changes in male culture.
- Understanding the needs of men helps generate compassion and provides direction as to where masculinity needs to go.
- Men crave an honorable identity, a sense of belonging in a male community, and connection with others.
Our understanding of gender roles and their impact on our lives has shifted significantly in the last 50 years. This began largely with the women’s rights movement in the 1960s and 1970s, ushering in a change in what was “acceptable” for women to do and be. Since then, the feminist movement has gained momentum, most recently bringing greater awareness to the issue of sexual assault and the importance of consent through the #MeToo movement.
Conversations throughout these cultural transitions challenge social norms and expectations around womanhood and have shone a light on the negative impacts women have experienced while elevating the importance of their individual and collective rights.
In contrast, discussion around male gender norms and a revolution of masculinity has lagged behind. This is changing, but for quite some time, the discussion around masculinity has largely been focused on the negative impacts of male culture.
Toxic Masculinity
These conversations often begin with an awareness of how male norms have contributed to the disenfranchisement of women. The term “toxic masculinity” has become more common and recognizable over the last few decades and is usually synonymous with machismo, misogyny, and general sexism.
In order for us to understand what exactly is toxic about it and what to do about it, we need a more concrete definition. We can start with the research of Ronald Levant, former president of the American Psychological Association and an expert in male psychology. He has outlined seven areas that define traditional masculinity ideology, his preference over the term “toxic masculinity”:
- Avoidance of femininity
- Negativity toward sexual minorities (homophobia, transphobia)
- Self-reliance
- Aggression/toughness
- Achievement/status/dominance
- Attitudes toward sex—the importance of sex
- Restrictive emotionality
This is not a surprising list, but behind it are many painful experiences perpetuated by men and toward men. It’s also not difficult to see how these traditional masculine norms are instilled in boyhood. Boys are taught early on that any feminine presentation is shameful, as in there's no wearing pink, “boys don’t cry," and “dolls are for girls."
The message is that masculinity is a zero-sum game, and it’s only for those who come out on top. After getting into a fight at school, how many boys are asked, “How did the other guy look? Did you win?”
This even extends to the realm of physical touch. As boys go through puberty and become men, there is a general tendency for parents and friends to stop affectionate physical contact with them. Touch is such a vital need that babies will die without it, and it remains a fundamental need at any age. Yet, we isolate our boys and men from affection and give them only the route of sexual contact to meet this critical need.
This results in some men craving other forms of connection but not knowing how to ask for it or go about finding it. For their partners, it’s important to understand how impactful healthy, loving touch can be.
Men Are Ready for Change
As we talk about the reformation of masculinity and male culture, we must acknowledge that many men are open to this change, and even welcome it. While all men have inherited the current masculine ideology, most men are not extreme perpetrators of dysfunctional behavior. Levant put it this way in a 2020 interview1: “Most violence is committed by men, but most men are not violent.”
He noted that his extensive research shows that the vast majority of adult men do not endorse this traditional masculine ideology. This means that while all men in Western culture experience the pressure of male norms and inherit all of the difficulties it brings, most of us want something better.
In our discussion of toxic masculinity, then, we should not take it so far as to demonize men entirely, losing space for compassion and a way forward. We also need to include in our discussions what comes after toxic masculinity. The conversation is incomplete if we only focus on what men should not be and neglect noble qualities that men can strive for.
From my own experience in clinical practice, I can say that men are ready for this conversation. I worked with many men who felt isolated by dysfunctional male expectations, but who craved a genuine sense of their own masculinity and yearned to express it in a healthy way that contributed to the well-being of others. They sought something beyond toxic masculinity, a positive masculinity.
Yearning for Connection and Moving Toward Positive Masculinity
If we take a closer look at the traits Levant used to define traditional male ideology, we may find that there are genuine needs that men are trying to meet. Understanding those needs will help us find some compassion for men and start us in the direction we need to go.
A number of Levant’s traits have an underlying motive of wanting to avoid feeling un-masculine. Avoidance of femininity, negativity toward sexual minorities, and restrictive emotionality all have this general undertone.
This desire isn’t all that surprising, considering all of the gatekeeping that is done around masculinity. So much of the narrative of what it means to be a man is focused on how boys and men are failing to meet that standard. It’s natural, then, for men to want to feel a grounded sense of their own masculinity and to belong with other men.
Self-reliance, aggression and toughness, and achievement and status also have a common theme. To a degree, these are a response to the zero-sum game of modern manhood, an attempt to win if only one man can win. However, in these traits there is also a desire to feel capable and self-sufficient, to be able to defend oneself, and to have an impact on his own life and the world.
Beneath all of these traits, there is a potent underlying desire for an honorable identity and for a sense of belonging in a male community. It is a craving for an intrinsic sense of one’s own masculinity, for connection with others, and for a sense of brotherhood. These are not unreasonable desires, and they leave room for men to honor the rights and needs of others.
These can also serve as a suitable starting point as we begin to move beyond toxic masculinity and seek out something better.
