Is Spontaneous Sex Better Sex?

How do you time sex? Do you plan for sex and enjoy the anticipation? Do you rely on spontaneity and when the mood strikes, you're ready?

For many people, sex is one of many activities in a day-to-day, week-to-week, month-to-month busy calendar. People have work, family obligations, household responsibilities, friends to see, children to care for... the list goes on, and people are tired. Yet, sex is an important part of a healthy romantic relationship. So, how do you make sure it happens? New research sheds light on the timing of sex, including whether it's better to plan sex or rely on spontaneity.

Sexual Intimacy Supports Relationship Health

Whether planned or not, sexual intimacy is an essential ingredient to long-lasting, healthy relationships. High-quality sex predicts numerous personal and relational benefits, from higher satisfaction and stronger pair-bonding to better sleep quality (Beaulieu et al., 2023; Meltzer et al., 2017; Oesterling et al., 2023). Similarly, frequent sex, versus infrequent sex, improves well-being to the same effect as increasing salary from $25,000 to $75,000 a year, a parallel that underscores the power of a healthy sex life (Muise et al., 2016).

Its benefits acknowledged, a good sex life requires finding time for sexual intimacy. This timing likely reflects a diverse set of practical constraints, emotional needs, goals, and sociocultural expectations. What determines whether you'll have sex on any given day?

For some people, the key obstacles to frequent sex might be busy schedules and navigating pressing needs (e.g., work, sleep). For others, managing relationship distress, conflict, and negative moods might be the primary issues. From a different standpoint, some people who are trying to get pregnant (or not get pregnant), might adjust the timing of sex around ovulation. Still others might assume sex occurs on anniversaries, birthdays, or other holidays. Such culturally driven ideas might build expectations that sex should (or should not) occur, possibly shaping how happy people feel about their sex lives.

People Believe Spontaneous Sex Is Superior

If sex is going to happen, should it be spontaneous or planned? When it comes to the timing of sex, people's beliefs can differ. Might this have implications for sexual satisfaction?

Recent research out of York University (Kovacevic et al., 2023) suggests that beliefs about "spur-of-the-moment" sex are separate from beliefs about planned sex; meaning, people can feel the thrill of each or neither, or can endorse one type of sexual timing more than the other. Empirically, most people believe spontaneous sex is more satisfying than planned sex (Kovacevic et al., 2023).

Spontaneous sex is also a popular way to time sex. In a survey of 303 participants in ongoing romantic relationships, 73 percent indicated that their last sexual encounter with their partner was spontaneous, with only 14 percent saying it was planned (the rest indicated it was neither or they didn't know; Kovacevic et al., 2023). Across the sample, people whose last sexual encounter was planned reported less sexual satisfaction; this link fell away for people who found planned sex satisfying, suggesting that beliefs about the timing of sex may matter.

A companion daily-diary study, using data from 120 couples, reinforced the idea that people tend to hold stronger beliefs that spontaneous (versus planned) sex is more satisfying. However, unlike in their first study, no link emerged between beliefs and actual sexual satisfaction. Whether a sexual encounter occurred either spontaneously or planned was not associated with how happy they were in their sex lives (Kovacevic et al., 2023).

The mixed evidence in this research raises an important question: might the notion that spontaneous sex is the best sex be a myth? Is planning sex just as satisfying? Or are there other questions that need to be asked to really understand the differences between spontaneous and planned sex?

The Timing of Sex Might Be Less Important Than Having Sex

The evidence suggests people think spontaneous sex is more satisfying, perhaps even the "better" sex when compared to planned sex; however, no reliable difference in sexual satisfaction emerged (Kovacevic et al., 2023). This tells us first, that people hold ideas about the timing of sex, and second, it offers new questions. For instance, even if people don't talk about a plan, might they behave in ways that reflect planning? In other words, scheduling sex might be only one way that people behave in ways consistent with an awareness that sex is likely to happen. More nuanced study might help distinguish between planning and spontaneity.

Perhaps the most important take-home is that whether sex happens with planning or with no expectation may make little difference. For romantic partners, having sex versus not having sex may be the more important driver of sexual satisfaction.

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