Adult ADHD Impacts Kids, Too

“My daughter is 15. Both my daughter and I want her father (my husband, who has ADHD) to be less grumpy, critical, disinterested, etc. Can you provide some advice?”

Being moody and seeming disinterested are very possibly related to ADHD symptoms. Being critical may be, as well. Your teen is likely old enough to have an ongoing conversation with you — and possibly your husband — about how to live more easily with ADHD in the family.

First and foremost, I suggest you have a talk with your daughter about what ADHD is and is not — specifically, that ADHD is an issue of inherited brain chemistry, not a moral failing, nor a reflection of how her father feels about her (or you.) Though it may not feel this way, his lack of focus on her is not personal — it is a symptom of his ADHD. His brain is going a million miles an hour, and he is very easily distracted by just about anything. It’s easy to misinterpret the resulting lack of attention as "disinterest" when, in fact, it’s actually distraction. Furthermore, mood issues (like depression, anxiety, emotional lability and more) often go hand-in-hand with ADHD. Again, they are not personal.

Likewise, it is possible that his criticism may be as much a reflection of low impulse control as of his full feelings about her. We all think a wide variety of thoughts in any given situation — most of us learn to "edit out" things that might be hurtful to others. But those with ADHD who happen to have impulse control issues are not so good at that editing. Furthermore, his critiques may be as much about him as they are about her. He may not like what he went through as a teen with ADHD, and may view his critiques as a way to help her avoid making the same sorts of mistakes he himself made at the same age. (Sadly, this approach is rarely helpful, even though it is a common one!)

While this information alone will not solve her problem, it may at least help her cope with the situation a bit more easily.

Within that framework, there are some things that she might also do that take advantage of things that we know work when ADHD is a factor:

• Make sure to get her father’s full attention when speaking with him — i.e. make sure his eyes are fully on her when she has a conversation with him. If she can find a place with fewer distractions, that can also help improve her chances of having a "full" interaction
• Try to find times of days to interact that are "good" for him. With ADHD this often means avoiding interactions first thing in the morning or when medications (if he takes them) are not in his system.
• As a family, try to find things to do together that are stimulating or of great interest to your husband and (hopefully) to her, as well. For those with ADHD, it’s easier to be involved with interesting ("shiny") things than boring things.
• Many with ADHD have trouble with transitions from one thing to another. In conversations, approach him with what John Gottman calls "soft starts" rather than jumping right into a topic. For example “Dad, I’ve been thinking about some issues at school lately that I was hoping to get your advice about. Would this be a good time to talk?” is a soft start. This gives him plenty of time to change gears, as well as an opportunity to tell her that it’s not a good time to talk. Contrast this with “My classmates are being jerks. I’m going to stop talking to them" (notice how no transition is used.)
• New research suggests emotionality may be a core part of ADHD. If he responds more quickly and more emotionally than you or your daughter might expect, seek to soothe the conversation rather than further ignite it. (You can help by working with your husband separately on this issue so he is more fully aware of his emotionally quick responses and more open to being soothed, as a result.)

There is a family dynamic here, as well. It sounds as if your husband is not fully treating his ADHD symptoms and, in particular, his moodiness and possible co-existing depression. Getting him to think more seriously about doing so is a tricky conversation, and one that is more appropriate for you to have with him than your daughter. Here are some ideas for how to get the conversation going:

• “I’ve noticed lately that you seem moodier than normal, and sounding pretty negative. I’m worried about you. Is there anything going on that concerns you? Is it possible you might be feeling depressed?” (NOTE: listen to his response carefully and respect what he says, even if it’s hard to hear.)
• “I know that ADHD is your issue to manage, but your symptoms do have an effect on your family. I’m concerned that we have moved into a stage in which distraction and moodiness associated with your ADHD are having an impact on everyone else. I know this will be a sensitive topic, but can we discuss it some time soon? I want to see if we can get more lightness around here…our daughter will only be with us for a short time longer. There may be some fun and effective ways to brighten things up.”

I also recommend that you become familiar with what constitutes full treatment for ADHD. You can find that information at the online treatment guide at my website (download the free treatment chapter from The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD there.) If your husband is not managing his ADHD across all three legs of treatment, then there are specific opportunities to help make things better. Many of these things he must initiate — such as using a coach to become more organized or seeking medication for ADHD or depression. But some can simply be started in the family in general. (One example is starting to exercise — possibly as a family — which addresses mood issues as well as ADHD symptoms around focus.)

So, to sum up, you and your daughter may benefit from:

• Remembering that your husband’s behavior is not personal and probably does not reflect his feelings but, rather, his symptoms
• Keeping the ADHD in mind and finding "ADHD-friendly" ways to improve your interactions with him, such as getting his full attention, finding a good time of day to interact, and seeking interesting things to do together
• Using soft starts in conversations
• Getting your help to broach the subject of more full management of ADHD symptoms
• Working, perhaps in counseling, to help your husband be more aware of his emotionality so that he may either self-soothe or be soothed by others when it comes into play