Cultivating Unconditional Self-Acceptance

In my last post, I wrote about how comparison to others erodes self-acceptance—and how accepting ourselves even when we feel good and practicing not comparing ourselves to others is challenging.

Let's focus now on cultivating unconditional self-acceptance that is not based on accomplishments, achievements, or appearance.

Unconditional self-acceptance and worth are distinct from our abilities, accomplishments, or appearance. It is not about what we have done or are doing. It is not about comparison to others or something we can have more or less of. It is about inherently deserving to be human and have needs and values.

It is so easy to fall into a pattern of thinking in which you don't feel good enough, and it is often a long process to fully accept and believe that you are good enough and worthy as is. That your worth is not conditional. You don't have to prove it. It is inherent. You are worthy because you are human.

I think of self-acceptance as a skill we can practice and strengthen over time. It is possible to think differently about yourself and feel genuinely more accepting of yourself. Here are some suggestions for cultivating unconditional self-acceptance.

Talk to yourself as you would a loved one. We speak to ourselves much more harshly and critically than we speak to others; we treat others with more compassion than we offer ourselves. Self-criticism erodes self-acceptance. How can you foster self-acceptance if you are constantly criticizing yourself?

One way you can decrease self-criticism and enhance self-acceptance is by practicing self-compassion. You can do this by talking to yourself in a caring and kind voice and offering words of comfort, understanding, grace, and affection. If it is difficult for you to talk to yourself in this way, think about what you would say to a dear loved one and practice saying those same words to yourself.

Forgive yourself. If you notice yourself struggling with past actions, behaviors, and perceived mistakes, practice forgiving yourself. Reflect on the factors that led to past behaviors. You may be automatically zooming in on certain factors, ignoring others, or perhaps not acknowledging the situation's complexity.

Remember, hindsight is 20/20, so acknowledge your emotions and identify what you learned from the situation. Then, say to yourself compassionately and genuinely, "You are human. I forgive you."

Notice "should" thoughts and let them go. Practice noticing thoughts you have about how you should be different and letting these thoughts come and go without giving them deliberate focus or attention. One way you can do this is by using imagery. For example, imagine your mind as the sky and your thoughts as clouds or birds that pass through the sky, or your mind as a stream and your thoughts as leaves floating down the stream, or your mind as a conveyor belt and your thoughts as boxes or luggage that you place on the belt.

Instead of focusing on how you should be different, intentionally bring to mind something you value or feel neutral about yourself about. Through this practice, you are acknowledging you are worthy as you are.

Be there for yourself. The next time you experience a feeling of sadness, rejection, loneliness, isolation, embarrassment, etc., practice acknowledging how you are feeling and offer yourself some comfort and compassion. Place a hand on your chest and say to yourself, "I am hurting at this moment. I'm not alone. Others hurt, too."

Remember your values. Values are defined as what is meaningful and important to you. They are genuine and personal. There are no right or wrong values that are not based on what you think should be important to you or what others are doing. Values are about what is genuinely important to you.

If you notice that you are comparing yourself to others and telling yourself that your self-acceptance is based on meeting certain criteria, come back to your values. Remind yourself what is truly important to you, and let your values, not comparison or criteria, guide your behaviors.

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Repeat self-acceptance statements. Thought patterns, including unhelpful ones, tend to be automatic, rigid, and well-developed over time. Repetition helps to cultivate more helpful thoughts. When you notice self-critical and unaccepting thoughts, repeat more helpful thoughts to yourself. For example:

• I am enough.
• I am worthy as is.
• I accept myself as I am.
• I am perfectly imperfect.
• I am human.