Verified by 
Singlehood
The Single Women with the Keys to Freedom and Peace of Mind
These single, childfree women of color are not staying in their place.
Updated January 3, 2025 Reviewed by Tyler Woods
For her article published in 2024 in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, sociologist Kimberly Martinez Phillips conducted in-depth interviews with 40 people who, in our stereotype-addled imaginations, would be expected to have sad, lonely, and empty lives. Between the ages of 36 and 61, they were single (not married, not cohabiting, not in a committed romantic relationship) and had never been married. They were all women. They had never had children—by choice. They were also all women of color (they self-identified as Black, Latina, Mexican American, Asian American, Indian American, Chinese American, and other categories).
Like other single women, they deal with sexism and singlism. For these single women of color, those challenges are compounded by experiences of racism. And yet, their stories were not of the “woe is me” variety. Instead, the women found their own keys to freedom, love, joy, connection, and peace of mind.
The Women Who Are Not Staying in Their Place Anymore
Women and men were once said to have “separate spheres.” Women’s place was in the private spaces of home and family. They were the caretakers, and economically dependent on men. That freed men to have their own space in the public realm of work and politics. They got to have independence and autonomy.
The separate spheres doctrine described the Victorian era. Today, the spheres are not so separate. But that way of thinking is still influential. Even in relatively egalitarian marriages, for example, women still tend to do more of the domestic work and the work of caring. Men often have more freedom to participate in the world of work. They have more autonomy in their lives
Martinez Phillips titled her article, “The feminization of freedom.” The women she interviewed were not about to stay in their place in the domestic sphere. They were not wives or mothers (though Martinez Phillips does not devalue either). For them, success wasn’t defined by marriage, children, or romantic love. Instead, success meant that they—and not just men—got to have freedom and autonomy. They participate in the public sphere of work, and they have financial independence. Success, to them, was also defined as having peace of mind and living authentically.
Caring is still an important part of their lives. They nurture their bonds with the important people in their lives, such as friends and relatives, but they do so while maintaining their own personal time and space. They contribute to their communities and do their share of public service, but they do not put themselves last.
Commonalities with the Single at Heart
Martinez Phillips does not describe the women she interviewed as single at heart, and some of them were not. Still, I was struck by the commonalities in their values and those of the single at heart, even beyond their valuing of freedom.
“The Ones” Rather Than “The One”
A key characteristic of the single at heart is that they do not organize their lives around a romantic partner. For many, the result is not that they are alone, but quite the opposite. They have “The Ones” instead of “The One.” A 46-year-old in the Martinez Phillips study said, “I feel like as a woman, you are doing yourself a great disservice if you set your romantic relationships with men over the myriad other interpersonal issues, dealing with family, with friends, etc.” For some of the women, the people in their lives included dating partners as well as friends and relatives. A 43-year-old, for example, said she liked to date several men at once.
A theme that emerged from many of the interviews was that these single women wanted to spend their time “with the people they care about, when they want, how they want, and without the pressure of searching for ever-lasting love.”
Solitude and Peace of Mind
One of the key findings from my study of the single at heart is how much they value the time they have to themselves. The 40 single women of color expressed a similar value. They cared deeply about their personal space and peace of mind. As Martinez Phillips said, “For these women, their time, peace, and serenity are sacrosanct.”
Having time and space to themselves played a special role in their lives. It was fortifying, enabling them to more successfully face the challenges of racism, sexism, and classism.
For the single at heart, single is who they really are. Living single is living authentically. In the study of single women of color, a 41-year-old said, “Being authentic to yourself, and not letting outside forces kind of color that for you . . . for me, that is what makes a person successful.”
The pressures on women to prioritize marriage, family, and romantic love still persist, as do the pressures on men to be the breadwinners and to assert their independence and autonomy beyond the domestic sphere. But when vast swaths of humanity are pressured to stay in their prescribed place, many will find that doing so compromises their authenticity. They are living a life that doesn’t suit them, that undermines their potential to flourish. The resisters of that pressure are modeling what it means to be true to yourself.
