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I was asked by a reporter recently about the top signs that your partner is feeling unappreciated. I thought this an excellent question because feeling appreciated is fundamental to how happy we feel in our relationship. On the flip side, feeling chronically unappreciated creates toxic levels of resentment that will significantly erode the foundations of our relationship health. So, I am writing the blog post partly as an answer to this reporter, and partly in service of watering the seeds of gratitude in all of our lives.
So, what are the top signs that your partner is feeling unappreciated?
Giving it to you straight
The most obvious sign that your partner is feeling unappreciated is that they tell you they don’t feel appreciated. This is, however, quite rare. It is a difficult thing to say out loud in an authentic way, “Darling, I’m feeling a little unappreciated.” Only the most emotionally skillful among us can do this, even occasionally.
We can all practice being this authentically and bravely vulnerable, and it is certainly a level of emotional skillfulness to which we can aspire. However, realistically, even the most skillful communicators will fall short of this more often than not.
Complaining
Usually, we show that we are feeling unappreciated by becoming fussy and complaining about how hard we’re working or how unpleasant our tasks are. We voice our discomfort as complaints. Sometimes this means we’re asking for help, but many times it means we need to hear words of appreciation and encouragement.
Withdrawing
Sometimes, we show that we’re feeling unappreciated by withdrawing in a sullen or even martyr-ish way. Withdrawal is one of the classic ways that we respond to feeling neglected. Maybe we just get quiet and pull back from engaging in the usual banter of the day. Or, maybe, we actually physically withdraw into the bedroom or basement or barn. Paradoxically, withdrawal is often a complicated way of calling out for connection—but masked by pride, or shame, or hopelessness.
Passive-aggression is also a tried-and-true way of reacting to feeling unappreciated. Sometimes when we’re feeling unappreciated we lash out but in subtle and indirect ways. Our emotions are complicated because we’re angry that we feel taken for granted, but it can be scary or difficult to complain in an open and authentic way. This is because we commonly receive complaints from our partner with defensiveness (defending ourselves and our intent or “goodness”).
Unfortunately, responding with defensiveness, while perfectly human and understandable, is intrinsically invalidating our partner’s experience. Because, “I feel unappreciated” is often met with something like, “Of course I appreciate you. Do I always have to say it?”, we protect ourselves by saying something like, “I wish I could sleep in every morning, like you.”
Missing gratitude practice
However, the number one sign that your partner does not feel appreciated by you is noticing that you are not openly expressing appreciation on a daily basis. The world is starved of genuine gratitude, and psychological research has consistently found that gratitude practices increase our sense of well-being, and both our psychological and physical health.
But gratitude does not come naturally to us. Our evolutionary history has primed us to attend most naturally to threats and irritants. Being naturally attuned to what annoys, irritates, and scares us has survival value. But it does not make us happy. Whereas, attending to irritants takes no effort at all, counting our blessings and expressing gratitude takes practice.
So, what can we do?
Make gratitude your practice. This begins with noticing. Notice what your partner does every day to care for you and your family, and write it down. Maybe first, just for yourself.
Keeping a relationship gratitude journal that you write in at the end of the day is a powerful practice. And then, if you’re feeling brave, you can share it with your partner.
Practice expressing gratitude for everything you notice your partner doing. We can honestly never be appreciated enough, as long as it is authentic. Thank you for doing the dishes. Thank you for making dinner. Thank you for mowing the lawn. Thank you for putting the kids to bed. Thank you for doing the laundry. Thank you for working so hard outside the home for our benefit.
I’ve heard some couples say that they shouldn’t have to thank each other for “doing their job.” This is just wrong and is a sign that you feel entitled to take the people in your life for granted. Even the most stoic among us appreciate being appreciated.
Expressing appreciation and communicating about feeling appreciated requires feeling safe expressing our emotions. It takes courage. Luckily, courage is something we can nurture with kindness and openheartedness.
Encouraging your partner to open up to you emotionally involves both inviting emotional expression and responding with genuine validation to whatever level of expression he or she engages in.
If he’s pissed about something at work, be pissed with him—“You’re right, baby, that’s bullshit.” If she’s anxious, meet that anxiety with acceptance and grace—“Oh, that is scary. What can I do to help?” If he’s sad, hold his sadness with him—“Oh honey, that is so sad. I’m sorry.” If she’s frustrated, accept that frustration—“That is frustrating. Damn. Is there anything I can do to help?”
And this is my encouragement to you. Water the seeds of gratitude. Every day. For yourself, for your loved ones, for everyone you encounter who helps you along your way (even if it’s their job), and for all beings.
