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Relationships
To Love Me Is to Judge Me
To love me is to love my judgmental mind.
Posted June 27, 2011 Reviewed by Davia Sills
One of the trickiest things about intimacy is that it requires that we allow ourselves to be judged. And not just judged, but judged guilty.
Entering willingly into an intimate relationship involves stepping up as ourselves, with all of our baggage and none of our armor. Of course, in practice, it doesn't actually work that way. At first, we try to hide as much of our baggage, as many of our faults and weaknesses, as we can. We do our best to put our best foot forward as if one foot were any better than the other. Still, we believe one foot to be best, and we bravely stick it out there, hoping no one goes looking for the other one.
Intimacy sneaks up on us when we can't help but show the other foot, and somehow, through some miracle of kindness, we find ourselves accepted and even embraced for having two actual human feet—a "best foot" and a "worst foot."
We might even find that this other warm and accepting person also has two feet. We might even be delighted to discover that we aren't alone in our affliction.
So, we link arms and hobble forward together like two peas in a pod—best foot, worst foot, best foot, worst.
And of course, in practice, it doesn't actually work that way.
If you look closely into the story so far, you'll notice that the author of this story—in this case, let's say the author is you—did something wonderfully human and deeply painful. She judged her feet: "This is my best foot. This is my worst foot." Tragic really, but unavoidable.
You see, there is a part of our minds whose job it is to judge the world and everything in it. We all have this judgmental mind. I won't go so far as to say we are born with it, but it moves in very early on, really just after we learn how to string more than two words together.
We learn that this is good, and that is bad, and we learn this lesson over and over and over again. We learn it so well that it simply becomes an unquestioned part of our world, an over-developed part of our minds with a tireless work ethic.
An unfortunate thing about this judgmental mind is that it does not have an off switch. Once it has been installed and turned on, it is on for the rest of our lives. If we see a cup, we tend to see it as a good cup or bad cup, even if the judgment is very subtle. When we get up in the morning, we look outside and judge the weather. We judge the clothes we put on, the breakfast we eat, the car we drive, the other drivers, and what's playing on the radio. Everything gets judged. Good, bad, or indifferent. Nothing that comes into view gets off without sentencing.
Of course, we save some of the harshest judgments for ourselves. We judge how we look. We judge what we say. We judge what we do. We even judge what we think and feel. We wish we were taller or shorter, thinner or wider, richer (never poorer), more successful, less anxious, more peaceful, more skilled, better than this... please God... better than this.
We judge one foot best and the other worst.
Again, not our fault. In some ways, not even our doing. Just our old judgmental mind busily toiling away, doing its job with gusto, and without pause. Even when we sleep, we judge our dreams.
And into this, we invite and are invited. When we fall in love and enter willingly into an intimate relationship, loving the experience of being loved despite our faults and our worst foot—we invite this loving other close into our world and into a relationship with our judgmental mind.
And of course, it isn't long before our hard-working, judgmental mind gets right to work on our partner. We judge his shoes, his hair, her job, her personality, his opinions, her attitudes, his habits, her judgment, his choices, her priorities, the way he chews, the friends she has, the money he spends, the time she wastes, his thoughts and feelings, and her damn worst foot.
And that is not the worst of it, because as we move into a close and intimate relationship, we are introduced to our partner's judgmental mind, and it cannot help but quickly get to work on us. She judges the shows we watch, he judges the things we believe, the way we snore, our guilty pleasures, the way we load the dishwasher, how we drive, where we park, what we buy, what we say and how we say it, the look on our face, the choices we make, and our own damn worst foot.
How could it be otherwise? To love me is to love my judgmental mind. There is no other choice.
And yet, so often, we abandon intimacy in the attempt to escape judgment. We don't want our partner to judge our opinions, so we keep them to ourselves. We watch our shows defiantly, daring our partner to say something about it. We hide what we bought. We defend our friends.
We keep our guilty pleasures a secret. We pretend we have different priorities. We defend against every judgment as though our lives depended on it, and we flinch away from the person we love the most. We fight for our worst foot or hide it in shame.
But there is a key here that keeps the door of intimacy open and well-traveled. The key is to allow yourself to be judged without shutting down, defending, or turning away. Your partner can no more control his judgmental mind than you can control yours. It is simply the gift that keeps on giving.
It is not deliberate. It is not malicious. It just is. The key is not to believe any of it, not to take it too seriously at all.
Judgments are just a judgmental mind at work. They are only as serious as you take them. If you hold them lightly, both your partner's and your own, then they take the role they were meant to have—a bit player in your lives—with you and your partner where you belong, at center stage.
So, your partner's judgmental mind doesn't like the way you chew. Hold it lightly. Love him anyway. Stay engaged and close. Sometimes you'll politely chew more quietly. Sometimes you won't. Hilarious. And heartwarming.
So, your judgmental mind doesn't like the way he rambles on about politics. Hold it lightly. Love him anyway. Stay engaged and close. Sometimes he'll politely talk with you about movies. Sometimes he'll ramble on about politics. Stay on board. The ride can be breathtaking.
Love your partner and his endlessly judgmental mind, but don't take it all too seriously. And as for your own judgmental mind? Good or bad?
Best foot, worst foot, best foot, worst.
