Parenting
Are They "Choosing Not to" or "Struggling With"?
The most important question every parent must ask when their child is struggling.
Posted January 6, 2025 Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Key points
- When we assume our child is “choosing not to,” we risk overreacting, punishing, or lecturing.
- When a child struggles, it’s not an excuse but a valuable explanation.
- No child chooses to be miserable. They want to feel capable, connected, and understood.
As a child psychologist and parent coach, I’ve seen countless parents struggle with frustration and confusion when their child faces difficulties, whether in school, their behavior, or their emotions. In these moments, one crucial question can shed light on what’s happening with your child: Are they choosing not to, or are they struggling with it? This question shifts our perspective on children’s challenges and prevents us from jumping to conclusions that could lead to unnecessary conflict.
Jumping to Conclusions Leads to Jumping Into Problems
Too often, parents jump to conclusions when a child seems defiant or unmotivated, interpreting the issue as a matter of choice. “She’s choosing not to listen.” “He’s choosing not to do his homework.” These assumptions can quickly lead to blame, power struggles, and emotional distance. However, in my experience, and as I discuss in 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, the reality is much more complex. Most children don’t choose to be anxious, overwhelmed, or disengaged. They are struggling with challenges they may not yet have the skills or language to express.
I have a small sign in my office that I hold up for parents during sessions. It reads, “Choose Not To" or "Struggle With.” This simple visual cue reminds us to pause and ask this critical question before reacting to our child’s behavior. When a child struggles, it’s not an excuse but a valuable explanation.
Understanding "Choose Not to" vs. "Struggle With"
The distinction between “choose not to” and “struggle with” helps us approach our children with empathy rather than judgment. No child wants to fail in school, lose control of their emotions, or push their parents away. These behaviors are almost always signs of more profound struggles, whether anxiety, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), a learning difference, or being overwhelmed by life’s stressors.
When we assume our child is “choosing not to,” we risk overreacting, punishing, or lecturing—responses rarely addressing the root cause. But when we recognize that our child is “struggling,” we can respond with understanding and find solutions that help them thrive.
Examples Across Ages
Let’s explore how this plays out with children of different ages:
- Preschooler: Sarah refuses to put on her shoes and throws a tantrum every morning before daycare. A parent might think, “She’s choosing not to cooperate.” However, Sarah might be struggling with separation anxiety or sensory sensitivities that make wearing specific shoes uncomfortable.
- Elementary schooler: Jonah keeps “forgetting” to do his math homework, leading to conflict with his parents every evening. His dad might think, “He’s choosing not to be responsible.” But Jonah might be struggling with undiagnosed ADHD, making it hard for him to stay organized and focused.
- Teenager: Ava spends hours in her room and barely speaks to her parents. Her mom might feel hurt and think, “She’s choosing not to be part of the family.” However, Ava might be struggling with social anxiety or depression, which makes it hard for her to engage.
- Adult Child: Liam, 26, has been living at home for two years, working part-time, and avoiding discussions about the future. His parents feel frustrated, thinking, “He’s choosing not to grow up or take responsibility.” But Liam might be struggling with feelings of failure after a job loss or battling undiagnosed depression, leaving him paralyzed with indecision and self-doubt.
Tips for Parents
How can parents avoid falling into the “choose not to” trap and respond effectively to their children’s struggles?
- Pause before reacting: When faced with challenging behavior, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “Is my child choosing not to or struggling with it?” This pause can help prevent knee-jerk reactions that escalate the situation.
- Look beneath the behavior: Behavior is often the surface of a deeper issue. Observe your child’s patterns, emotions, and triggers to understand better what’s driving their actions.
- Ask open-ended questions: Instead of accusing your child, ask, “What’s hard about this for you?” or “How can I help?” This invites them to share their perspective and fosters trust.
- Seek professional guidance: If your child’s struggles persist or seem overwhelming, consider consulting a psychologist, therapist, or school counselor. Early intervention can make a significant difference.
- Practice empathy and patience: Remember, your child isn’t trying to make your life harder. They are navigating their challenges, often with limited tools. Showing empathy can de-escalate tension and strengthen your connection.
A Transformative Perspective
By asking, “Are they choosing not to, or struggling with it?” you make a decisive shift in your parenting approach. This question helps you see your child clearly and prevents unnecessary power struggles.
I can't emphasize enough the importance of staying calm and avoiding overreactions. When we assume our children are “choosing not to,” we often respond with lectures, punishments, or anger—none addressing the underlying issues. But when we recognize their struggles, we can offer support, tools, and strategies to help them succeed.
No child chooses to be miserable. They want to feel capable, connected, and understood. Our role as parents is to ask the right questions, approach them compassionately, and guide them through their struggles. By doing so, we help them grow and strengthen our bond, building a foundation of lasting trust and resilience.