Relationships
The 4 Biggest Lies That Can Destroy Relationships
Discover common relationship misconceptions holding you and your partner back.
Posted November 15, 2024 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- We mistakenly believe our partners should intuitively know what we’re feeling, thinking, or needing.
- While compatibility is essential, assuming that all difficulties signal incompatibility is misleading.
- No one can—or should—bear the full responsibility for someone else’s happiness.
As a relationship therapist, I’ve seen many couples trapped by seemingly innocent misconceptions that, if left unchecked, can unravel the deepest of bonds. These “relationship lies” often begin as self-protective beliefs, perhaps to explain a disagreement or justify a problematic feeling. Yet, these lies become barriers that erode trust, empathy, and connection over time.
In my book, Why Can’t You Read My Mind? I explain how empathy is the emotional glue that holds relationships together. Empathy is one of the first things we suffer when we let these common relationship myths slip into our lives.
Let’s explore the four biggest lies that silently sabotage relationships, with examples to highlight how these play out in real life. Most importantly, I’ll share how you and your partner can spot these myths before they become habits—and how to replace them with more robust, compassionate beliefs.
Lie 1: “If They Loved Me, They’d Just Know.”
The Trap: This lie assumes that true love means being perfectly in sync. It’s the belief that if a partner loves us enough, they should intuitively know what we’re feeling, thinking, or needing.
Example: Take the case of Mira and Keegan, a couple married for seven years. Mira frequently felt that Keegan should “just know” when she needed comfort after a difficult day. When he didn’t, she started to doubt his love. This created resentment, with Mira often withdrawing from Keegan emotionally, waiting for him to “prove” his love by reaching out without her asking.
The Reality: No one can read minds, no matter how much they care. Expecting a partner to understand your needs instinctively without clear communication can lead to disappointment and resentment.
Tip: To break this pattern, communicate directly and clearly. Rather than expecting a partner to guess, say, “It would mean a lot to me if you could check in when I seem down.” This approach allows them to meet your needs while setting realistic expectations.
Lie 2: “Relationships Shouldn’t Be This Hard.”
The Trap: Many people believe that “the right relationship” should flow effortlessly, and if they face challenges, something must be fundamentally wrong. While compatibility is essential, assuming that all difficulties signal incompatibility is misleading.
Example: Jaxon and Lorelei had been dating for a few years when they began encountering communication struggles, especially around finances. Jaxon grew up in a family that was open about money, while Lorelei’s family avoided the topic altogether. This led Jaxon to believe they were fundamentally incompatible. “It shouldn’t be this hard,” he thought, contemplating ending things rather than working through their differences.
The Reality: Every relationship requires work. Even the most compatible couples have disagreements and periods of growth. Challenges aren’t necessarily red flags; they’re often opportunities to deepen understanding and foster resilience.
Tip: Reframe “hard work” as an investment in your partnership. Instead of seeing challenges as signs of doom, ask yourselves, “What can we learn from this?” Working through conflicts together can strengthen the relationship over time.
Lie 3: “My Partner Should Make Me Happy.”
The Trap: This lie is based on the idea that a partner’s job is to be the primary source of happiness. When partners believe this, they place immense pressure on each other, often leading to disappointment and resentment when that ideal isn’t met.
Example: Sasha and Reynard had been in a committed relationship for three years. Sasha believed that Reynard should be able to lift her spirits every time she felt down. But as life’s stresses accumulated, Reynard couldn’t always fulfill this role. Sasha felt increasingly disappointed, wondering if Reynard was the “right” partner for her.
The Reality: No one can—or should—bear the full responsibility for someone else’s happiness. True relationship satisfaction comes from a healthy balance of self-contentment and shared joy.
Tip: Prioritize building a life that meets you individually. While your partner can be a source of joy and comfort, a fulfilling relationship relies on two people who are also happy. Try activities that nurture your interests and growth and bring that enriched sense of self back into your relationship.
Lie 4: “I Can Change Them If I Try Hard Enough.”
The Trap: Many people believe they can fix or change their partner’s behavior to suit their ideal vision of the relationship better. This approach often leads to control issues and breeds resentment, especially when one partner feels like they’re being pressured to change.
Example: Eliora was frustrated by Garrison’s tendency to withdraw during conflicts. She believed that if she showed him enough love, she could “teach” him to open up. Eliora’s continuous efforts only made Garrison feel pressured and even more distant.
The Reality: Trying to change a partner usually backfires because it disregards their autonomy and can make them feel inadequate as they are. The lasting change in relationships comes from mutual respect, not one partner molding the other to fit their expectations.
Tip: Focus on improving your communication about needs rather than trying to alter your partner’s personality. Share your concerns gently, like saying, “It would mean a lot to me if we could talk about our feelings more openly.” This approach opens the door for growth without attempting to control or change the other person.
Final Thoughts
These four relationship lies can seem small, but they create significant barriers to trust, empathy, and growth over time. Recognizing and replacing these myths with healthier beliefs is crucial for a thriving relationship. Building lasting connections is about cultivating empathy and mutual understanding rather than expecting perfection from your partner or yourself.
Remember, no relationship is perfect—but by challenging these harmful myths, you and your partner can create a relationship grounded in respect, resilience, and genuine love.