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Parenting

3 Ways to Prevent Holiday Drama With Your Adult Children

How to foster harmony, connection, and mutual respect this holiday season.

Key points

  • Holidays with adult children require balancing nostalgia with the reality of who they are now.
  • It's okay if not everything goes as planned. Your calm energy can set the tone for the rest of the family.
  • Schedule a call or conversation before the season kicks off to align expectations.

The holidays are supposed to be magical, filled with family, laughter, and shared traditions. Yet, for many parents of adult children, this time of year can also bring a mix of tension and unmet expectations. Whether it’s conflicts over how to celebrate, personality clashes, or the stress of managing changing dynamics, friction can leave everyone feeling deflated. As a parent coach, I’ve seen how small shifts in approach can turn potential landmines into opportunities for growth and connection. Here are three practical ways to prevent holiday friction with your adult children.

Check Your Expectations at the Door

One of the most significant sources of holiday tension is parents holding on to traditions or expectations that no longer fit their grown children’s lives. Maybe you long for everyone to gather for the same meal at the same house every year while your adult kids juggle in-laws, work obligations, or their preferences.

Ask yourself: Am I holding onto a “perfect holiday” ideal that no longer serves my family?

Consider Elise, a mother of two adult sons. For years, she insisted on a Christmas Eve dinner at her home despite one son’s growing frustration about rushing back to town after spending time with his in-laws. After a few difficult conversations, Elise embraced flexibility, hosting a low-key New Year’s brunch instead. The shift allowed her family to enjoy quality time together without the stress.

Parent Coaching Tip:
Instead of rigidly clinging to tradition, ask your adult children what works best for them. The simple question, “What would make the holidays meaningful for you this year?” can open a collaborative dialogue. This small step shows respect for their autonomy while fostering a sense of mutual care.

Create Space for Differences

Your adult children may now have their own beliefs, routines, and priorities, some of which might not align with yours. Tensions often arise when parents try to control or comment on things like food choices, political views, or how the holidays should be celebrated.

Take Michael and Carla, for example. Michael struggled to accept that his daughter Carla, a vegan, no longer wanted to participate in the family’s turkey-centered Thanksgiving. Rather than forcing the issue, Michael surprised Carla with a hearty plant-based dish and allowed her to share her values around food sustainability. This small gesture of acceptance led to a heartfelt conversation and a stronger connection.

Parent Coaching Tip:
Focus on what unites you rather than what divides you. Practice curiosity instead of judgment—ask questions like, “What inspired you to make that change?” or “How can we make this work for everyone?” By valuing their perspective, you’ll reduce tension and deepen your relationship.

Prioritize Connection Over Perfection

Parents often feel pressure to create a flawless holiday experience, from the décor to the meals to the gifts. But aiming for perfection can lead to disappointment, especially if your adult children don’t respond as enthusiastically as you’d hoped.

Amy, a mother of three grown daughters, told me how she used to exhaust herself decorating her house to the nines. She secretly felt hurt when her daughters scrolled on their phones instead of admiring her effort. Once Amy shifted her focus from impressing her daughters to simply spending quality time with them—whether over a casual board game or a walk—her holidays became much more relaxed and enjoyable.

Parent Coaching Tip:
Let go of trying to “wow” your adult children and focus on simple, meaningful interactions. Ask yourself, What truly matters most? Often, it’s the shared moments and conversations, not the perfectly executed holiday vision, that your kids will remember.

Suggestions to Make the Holidays Smoother

  1. Have a Pre-Holiday Check-In: Schedule a call or conversation before the season ends to align expectations and let everyone voice their hopes and concerns for the holidays.
  2. Set Healthy Boundaries: If specific topics, such as politics or past grievances, tend to ignite tension, agree to avoid them during family gatherings.
  3. Practice Gratitude Together: Encourage everyone to share one thing they’re grateful for this year. This simple ritual can shift the focus from conflict to connection.
  4. Adjust Plans as Needed: Flexibility is critical. If someone can’t make it to dinner, embrace alternatives like video calls or celebrating on a different day.
  5. Be Kind to Yourself: Remember, it’s okay if not everything goes as planned. Your calm energy can set the tone for the rest of the family.

Holidays with adult children require balancing nostalgia with the reality of who they are now. By releasing expectations, embracing differences, and focusing on connection, you can create a season filled with warmth and understanding that everyone, including you, can genuinely enjoy. After all, the greatest gift you can give your children is the gift of your presence, free of pressure and full of love.

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