Relationships
4 Red Flags That Your Partner Still Has Feelings For an Ex
Spotting the signs of unresolved emotions could save your relationship.
Posted October 14, 2024 Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
Key points
- When a partner often compares your relationship to the one they had with their ex, it’s time to take note.
- If your partner is receptive and willing to adjust, it’s a sign they’re ready to prioritize your relationship.
- Partners can acknowledge lingering feelings and work together to resolve them.
As a relationship therapist, I often hear concerns about lingering feelings for an ex. I have had many counseling clients describe how maddening it feels to struggle with concerns your partner still has such unresolved feelings.
While it's common for people to have memories of past relationships, it becomes problematic when the emotional ties go beyond nostalgia and start to impact one's current relationship. Here are four significant red flags that may indicate that a partner still has feelings for their ex—and what you can do about it.
1. Constant Comparisons to Their Ex
If your partner frequently compares current situations to those they experienced with their ex, it could be a sign that the past relationship is still on their mind. These comparisons may start innocently enough—like comparing a new spot to a favorite restaurant they used to visit or referencing an activity they once did together. But when it becomes a habit to compare you or your relationship to the one they had with their ex, it’s time to take note.
Let’s say your partner, Austin, keeps talking about how much their ex, Taylor, used to be into doing specific artistic crafts, which makes you feel like you don’t measure up. This behavior isn’t just unfair; it places you in a competitive situation you didn’t sign up for. Comparing you to their ex shows that Austin hasn’t fully moved on emotionally, and that their unfinished feelings may still entangle them.
What to do: Have an open conversation about how these comparisons make you feel. Be assertive in sharing your concerns without sounding accusatory. Suggest ways to create new memories together rather than revisiting old ones. If your partner is receptive and willing to adjust, it’s a sign they’re ready to prioritize your relationship.
2. Emotional Overreaction to the Ex's Life Events
Suppose your partner seems unusually affected by news about their ex—such as a new relationship, a breakup, or other significant life events. A strong emotional reaction, whether anger, sadness, or excitement, might indicate unresolved feelings. It's natural for people to feel something about their past relationships, but an over-the-top response shows that there may be more to it.
Consider Janelle, who is upset whenever she hears about her ex-boyfriend, Mark, dating someone new. Even though she is in a committed relationship with you, these heightened emotions make you question whether she is genuinely invested in moving forward. Her emotional responses suggest that Mark still occupies more space in her heart than is healthy for your relationship.
What to do: Ask your partner why they feel so strongly about their ex's news. Their explanation could help you understand whether it’s simply a reaction to a past chapter of their life closing or if there’s something deeper that they need to address before your relationship can truly thrive.
3. Maintaining Frequent or Intimate Contact
There’s a difference between casually staying in touch with an ex and having frequent personal communication that could blur boundaries. If your partner maintains an ongoing connection with their ex, regularly texting or meeting up for coffee "to catch up," it could suggest a more profound attachment they haven’t let go of. Even if they insist it’s just “friendly,” the question remains: Are these interactions more vital to them than the well-being of your current relationship?
Chris continues to call his ex, Natasha, for advice about life decisions rather than seeking guidance from his current partner, Jamie. This habit of turning to Natasha may signify that Chris hasn’t fully disentangled himself emotionally from her. While maintaining amicable terms with an ex isn’t necessarily a red flag, it poses a potential threat to a relationship when the lines between friendship and emotional support get crossed.
What to do: I found when researching my book Why Can't You Read My Mind? that it is crucial to address relationship discomfort in a non-confrontational manner. Explain how it affects your sense of security in the relationship and request that boundaries be established. Healthy partnerships should prioritize openness, but expecting a partner to create space between their past and present relationships is also fair.
4. Idealizing the Past Relationship
A tendency to remember an ex and the past relationship as "perfect" or "the one that got away" can be problematic. If your partner often speaks about their ex in glowing terms, downplaying any problems, it could be a sign that they’re still holding on to an idealized version of that relationship. Nostalgia can cloud reality, making the past seem more appealing than it was.
For instance, Simone constantly recalls how her relationship with her ex, Mike, was “effortless” and “full of passion” while implying discontent with the ups and downs in her current relationship. Her fixation on these memories shows that she is romanticizing the past in a way that prevents her from entirely investing in the present. When your partner looks at the past through rose-colored glasses, it’s a sign that they haven’t yet embraced the reality of their life with you.
What to do: Gently remind your partner that no relationship is without flaws, including the one they had with their ex. Encourage them to reflect on why that relationship didn’t last and focus on building a future with you. The goal is not to dismiss their past but to create a relationship in which you both are fully present.
Takeaway
If you recognize these red flags in your relationship, don’t panic. Partners can acknowledge lingering feelings and work together to resolve them. The key is open communication, setting clear boundaries, and focusing on building a future in which both partners are emotionally present. Relationships are not about competing with the past but creating a meaningful present together.
©Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. All rights reserved.