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What if your parent slapped you around a little bit as a kid, told you you were garbage, but now, in their old age, is suddenly an amnesiac to those points of history. What's does parental responsibility look like? All the adult child can do is move forward, but it would be preposterous to say something is undone in the relationship.
Are you exasperated by how negatively your adult child treats you? Do you find yourself consumed with conflicting thoughts and feelings about him or her? Do you feel alone as it seems that so many other adult children are more respectful and appreciative of what their parents do for them?
Before I go further, let's make a few things clear: I am not writing that all adult children treat their parents poorly. And, for any adult children who may read this, I am also not saying that your parents are exempt from responsibility for the quality of your relationship with them.
That said, in my over 30 years of coaching parents of adult children to help restore boundaries, improve communication, and gain a much-desired sense of emotional balance, I have seen too many parents of adult children metaphorically wear "Kick Me" signs. What I mean by this is that your adult child's frustration and shame over the failure to launch comes out sideways, directed at you as emotional abuse. Are you unwittingly, or even wittingly (because you just feel so worn down) wearing a "Kick Me" sign, thereby enabling mistreatment?Â
Following are three signs of emotional abuse experienced by parents of adult children that I often encounter about when I coach them to set better boundaries: Â
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Unjustified Blame. Somehow, your adult child persistently blames you for his or her problems and refuses to accept responsibility for their struggles and issues. Adult children who think this way are leaden with distortions and use their parents as an outlet to vent their anger. Sadly, many of my parent clients actually believe they are solely at fault for an adult child's lack of success in being able to sustain their independence. They distortedly think, "Maybe if I just tried harder or did this instead of that, things would be different."Â
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Manipulation. In many cases, I hear about struggling adult children who unfairly sling guilt at parents or even make threats of self-harm or suicide. Struggling adult children with distorted views who live at home may use whatever manipulation tactics they can muster to make parents feel they "owe" them and so must indefinitely support them. You remember the better days of their youth and how things were better years ago, so you look past the manipulation and cling to the idea that things will turn around.
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Put-downs. Criticism is common from an adult child. She or he brings up how you seemingly treat their siblings better, rips on your spending habits, or criticizes your past choices. When you try to confront your adult child about it, you are met with gaslighting—questioning your memory of the incident or the past in general, trying to make you second-guess yourself, or telling you that you’re "always overreacting" or are just “crazy.”
If you recognize some or any of these behaviors in your relationship with an adult child, don't accept them as "normal." These behaviors are common in emotionally abusive relationships. Just because you are not being physically harmed doesn’t mean that the abuse isn’t taking its toll.
Setting boundaries with your adult child may seem impossible at this point because you hopelessly feel that the ship set sail way too long ago. Please don't feel that way. There is no such thing as false hope when it comes to managing how an adult child treats you. There is only true hope, if you can recognize what is going on, take off your "Kick Me" sign, and do things differently going forward.
For more, visit my website.
So, drop them. Walk away
Submitted by Jane on August 20, 2019 - 8:50pm
So, drop them. Walk away from your parents. They don't have amnesia about their failures and behaviors. What they don't need is your anger. Your parents cannot go back and time for a do-over. So, give them a break and drop them.
Response to Dave
Submitted by Jane D. on May 12, 2020 - 10:56am
Anonymous wrote:What if your parent slapped you around a little bit as a kid, told you you were garbage, but now, in their old age, is suddenly an amnesiac to those points of history. What's does parental responsibility look like? All the adult child can do is move forward, but it would be preposterous to say something is undone in the relationship.
Dave, this article is about
Submitted by Jane D. on May 12, 2020 - 10:59am
Dave, this article is about adult children who abuse their parents.
Thanks you input
Submitted by Jeffrey Bernstein Ph.D. on October 29, 2018 - 7:00pm
Hi Dave,
You make a very good point. That said, many people in my practice, find forgiveness, within reason, to be a very healing force to overcome abuse.
3 Signs You're Being Emotionally Abused By Your Adult Child
Submitted by Yoselyn on August 25, 2020 - 3:23pm
Jeffrey Bernstein Ph.D. wrote:Hi Dave,
You make a very good point. That said, many people in my practice, find forgiveness, within reason, to be a very healing force to overcome abuse.
So true. My impression of these estranged adults is that they are still stuck in the emotional age of so-called “abuse”. There are two sides to a story and many times when they re-count their stories there are great omissions about the whole picture.
The majority of parents with these “kick me” signs where these because of the emotional abuse shot at them when their demands are not followed. I know of one adult “child” who has his girlfriend post on social media slanderous statements about his parents because money was not given when asked. It doesn’t matter to him if they are struggling financially. It’s also incredibly amazing how their friends immediately start donating money and sharing posts. It’s a con job. This type of posting should be prohibited along with the questionable financial contributions given.
I am in my 70s and my generation grew up with the “ Get over it and move on.” motto. Yes, I believe physical and emotional abuse are real issues ; but if you are “self isolating” from your parents and not confronting your issues with a legitimate, responsible , ethical psychiatrist and therapists ; then you are just wasting your time and frankly “abusing your abusers” now. So, find a responsible solution or just shut up and move on.
I'm so happy I came across
Submitted by SoCalGirl on October 31, 2018 - 2:32pm
I'm so happy I came across this article. Recently, my mom has been venting to me about how she has to walk on eggshells for my eldest sister, who is 40 and lives at home. My mom tends to take the blame for my sisters outcome after my sister throws a tantrum about having to "adult". My sister has historically made poor decisions which led to problems that my mom felt obligated to clean up out of guilt. When my sister isn't carrying her own weight around the house, my mom gets frustrated, confronts my sister, who lashes out, and the guilt cycle continues. I've explained to my mom that what my sister is doing is wrong and abusive but it's hard for her to see it as such (likely due to the guilt).
so happy I came across this.
Submitted by Linda Anderson on June 6, 2019 - 4:17pm
Yes, when I read the 3 signs I knew it was spot on. It's my job to not allow this to happen to me. But, I'm a mom and we hurt and will do anything to hang on to our kids. My son knows how badly I've been hurt and he tells me so. But it just keeps on going. No fun is it? You raise your kids and do everything for them and they end up abusing their parents. I'm sad that your mom is going through this too. It's hard.
I always wonder what is meant
Submitted by Jane on August 20, 2019 - 8:54pm
I always wonder what is meant by, "do everything for them." I can't say that. I wouldn't say that. What is "everything?" There is a problem. It might not be you. It might not be them. But I think the worst thing to do is "hang on" to your kids.
adfads
Submitted by party on March 31, 2020 - 10:37am
LOL... this whole article and the advice in the comments are such bs. abusive parents are trauma-bonded to their victim children.... and the "poor decisions' were made by design, out of the parents not really knowing who the f they are before they pop out kids.... this is so abusive to adult children. Abusive parents do know what they did, it's just that they thought they would get away with it, so when their adult child confronts them, they don't want to hear because it goes against their expectation of being forgiven. no one who abuses should be forgiven, they should be confronted and then left to their grave.... and tbh 99.9 % of humans make poor decisions some more than others, but if a person never had love in their life from their parents, then poor decisions will come easy, because their whole existence was a poor decisions made by two horny adults who had sex, probably didn't love each other, and then used the child as a trash receptacle to externalize their own dysfunction.... the child's poor decisions are commensurate with the amount and the intensity of the abuse, no question about it.
My children were never abused
Submitted by Jane D. on May 12, 2020 - 11:10am
My children were never abused. Period. Nor are we "trauma bonded." You seem to be projecting your own issues off topic.
As the mother of an adult daughter who is verbally abusive, re-writes history, cannot support herself, blames everyone else for her ongoing bad decisions, trust me, you have no idea, what this is like. How long it has taken to realize this is not my fault. She calls when she wants something acts like a 16 year old, thrives on drama. Attempts to resolve issues in counseling are met with a no, she does not have a problem and therapy does not work. Her mood swings are unreal. No matter what is said it is always the wrong thing. One day it is fine the next it is not. She has two children of her own. If anything she was spoiled, had every opportunity, and did not take them. These abusive adults also use their children as pawns. You are in the wrong forum.
3 Signs You're Being Emotionally Abused By Your Adult Child
Submitted by Linda on November 3, 2018 - 12:03am
Spousal is never good for anyone!
Mother does this to her husband, she gets the adult children involved, in-turn the adult children side with their and then continue to verbally and physical do it to their father/stepfather. Every time you get beat down, it's harder to get up again. How do you break the 20 year cycle?
Some people won't accept boundaries!
Submitted by MarcyMRP on November 5, 2018 - 7:10pm
I told my son over a year ago that unless there were some boundaries in his communication to me that there would BE no communication. As it was, I had already decided that text would be the only allowed form, since that way, each side can say what he or she wants without interruption or argument, but that didn't stop the argument and he refused to quit being verbally insulting and abusive. Now, I quit texting 3 weeks ago and for the most part, quit reading HIS texts! Today, I turned on the phone (keep it off mostly to avoid all the vibrations with MANY daily texts) and saw where he is berating me for not replying in those three weeks and that all the things he is trying to tell me, I'm choosing to ignore because I'm a "sheeple" and indoctrinated in blahblahblah.... Too arrogant to see that it's my choice and I'm considering turning off my cell phone completely to avoid ANY text from him, but sure he'll then start harassing MY mother because he says SHE needs to hear "the truth" too! All of this "truth" is based around the flat earth theory and WHY it matters. He has been sending me YouTube links for almost two years so I will "WAKE UP" (as he says) and between the links, the vitriol he spews is unbearable. I don't know WHAT to do... obviously, we're talking "not normal" here!
Flat Earth
Submitted by chris hillman on November 6, 2018 - 1:23pm
Anonymous wrote:I told my son over a year ago that unless there were some boundaries in his communication to me that there would BE no communication. As it was, I had already decided that text would be the only allowed form, since that way, each side can say what he or she wants without interruption or argument, but that didn't stop the argument and he refused to quit being verbally insulting and abusive. Now, I quit texting 3 weeks ago and for the most part, quit reading HIS texts! Today, I turned on the phone (keep it off mostly to avoid all the vibrations with MANY daily texts) and saw where he is berating me for not replying in those three weeks and that all the things he is trying to tell me, I'm choosing to ignore because I'm a "sheeple" and indoctrinated in blahblahblah.... Too arrogant to see that it's my choice and I'm considering turning off my cell phone completely to avoid ANY text from him, but sure he'll then start harassing MY mother because he says SHE needs to hear "the truth" too! All of this "truth" is based around the flat earth theory and WHY it matters. He has been sending me YouTube links for almost two years so I will "WAKE UP" (as he says) and between the links, the vitriol he spews is unbearable. I don't know WHAT to do... obviously, we're talking "not normal" here!
How do you know the Earth is flying though Infinite Space - have you ever been past 10 miles up? Even from balloons we send up to 20-25 miles its flat, after that we must trust the word of men who are sworn liars, and whose claims are easily shown as fakes. Your son is probably mad that he was lied too, and you're mad that he won't lie anymore. So which is more important - that he blindly believe he is useless space dust and that you force him to believe your fantasies? Or that as a grown man - he's free to make up his own mind and not be controlled by you?
Flat Earth
Submitted by CINDY L KAISER on June 4, 2019 - 2:37pm
Oh dear Chris. People post on this site to seek Help. Yes the son is free to make up his own mind. And the mother is entitled to her mind as well. The issue is that he should stop forcing his issue onto HER. I think he needs professional help as he seems a bit manic, which extends beyond his beliefs.
Create as much distance as
Submitted by Jane on August 20, 2019 - 8:59pm
Create as much distance as possible. If that behavior does not stop after you have told him it must stop, the only thing you can do is protect yourself. Social and electronic media, instant communication, and, generally, the web are the worst elements to have entered the world.
Emotional abuse by son and being used until no longer needed
Submitted by LINDA L ANDERSON on November 21, 2018 - 6:46pm
When my son married, he changed, and not for the better. His wife suffers from a chemical imbalance and has to create family "blow ups" every year and a half. Most all of her hostility is towards me. I loved her like a daughter. Supported her when she was sad and had no mother or father to depend on. My husband and I played that roll in any way she wanted it to be. They had twins. She wouldn't take care of them. She hated being pregnant and resented having to give up her time to care for them. I spent the first three month overnights for the so that they could sleep. I did it to protect my son because he works as a pharmacist in a hospital and if he didn't sleep, someone could die because of a mistake. Ater 3 months, I got sick from taking Aleve to get me through the night. You see...I've had 7 spine surgeries. and can't move around very well. My husband helped but left by 2 a.m. After i got sick, I coudn't do the overnights anymore. I did the 4 to 11pm shift. i bathed, feed and put them to sleep every night. The mom never kissed them, held them and even asked Sofia at 5 months old why she was so annoying. Needless to say after I got the twins to sleep through the night, my dil decided she didn't want to work anymore. She worked from home. She had a full time nanny and my husband and I at nights. My son said no, so she had to get rid of the help, me. A huge chaos was created because I privately told my son that the nanny was verbally abusing me for being there to help my son. She said I didn't belong there. My son did nothing to stop this behavior from the nanny. It continued over and over again. My son told his wife about the nanny and that was the perfect opportunity to cause the chaos. Needless to say, after i had the babies sleeping through the night, I was kicked to the curb. That was April 7th this year. 'They use the babies as weapons towards grandparents. I'm in counseling as I just can't handle this. My family is gone. Just like that. My son gas lighted me until I had a nervous breakdown and so I knew I needed help dealing with this. You see...I lost 4 babies. I have 2 sons, the pharmacist and then another who lives in Georgia. He has P.V. and is on a medication that has a dose of chemo in it. I'm broken and even the counseling doesn't help. I do take medication, but no pill is going to fix this problem. I love my son with all of my heart, but I don't think I can ever forgive him for what he has done and continues to do to me. The happy, normal me is gone. I don't think I will ever find her again. I'm just so sad. I just want to know what I did wrong. They were happy kids with 2 parents that got along very well. A very happy home. They would tell you that themselves. So why? Why did this happen? Feeling very useless and scared.
Not trying to tell you what to do but....
Submitted by KatRW on December 15, 2018 - 6:35pm
@ Dr. Bernstein—just wondering if you responded to Linda privately (I didn’t see anything publicly, which is understandable). It’s none of my business either way I don’t have kids—but I do have parents—and if one of my parents was hurting like this and asked for help, encouraged by something you posted, I would want someone to respond with something helpful.
I’ll take some of that responsibility by saying to you Linda: I commend you for providing a loving home to your sons and for helping to provide support and love to your grandkids (and their parents). I’m sorry for your pain and proud of your strength and I hope that your grand babies inherit that from you.
Emotional abuse by son and being used until no longer needed
Submitted by LINDA on December 15, 2018 - 11:29pm
Thank you so much for your kind words. I really do try to do everything to show my sons that they are loved. We simply did too much for them I guess. It took great strength to go visit my one year old twin grandchildren, but I did it. My son said they were going to take the babies to see Santa and he would love to see me go along. Well, I called after not hearing anything about when we were going only to to be told they already went and he never even called to tell me that they did it and I was suddenly not invited. I was upset. Reminded him that he hurt me by that and that i never did such things to my mother or inlaws. I came from a very abusive family and I did everything the opposite of what my parents did. It worked until they grew up and got married to girls who didn't want him to be involved with his family. I can't fight that one. I pray every night for God to take me home so that I won't hurt anymore. My son yelled at me and told me he was too busy with his job and home. I can't do this anymore. I have to find a way to move on. I see a counselor but she tells me to accept the crumbs they throw my way. I never thought I could hurt so bad in my life.
Linda, I'm really sorry you
Submitted by Cody on December 17, 2018 - 11:52pm
Linda, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I'm pulling for you.
toxic adult son and dil
Submitted by LINDA L ANDERSON on May 10, 2019 - 12:47am
Thank you so much. I think you are the only person who has acknowledge what I did and what it took for me physically to do this. All I wanted was a happy family and now there is none. It's mother's day on Sunday. I'm been crying all week. My son has changed so much. He never smiles or laughs anymore. I can't fix his problems. I gave them my last dime, and they make lot s and lots of money. They didn't need mine, they only wanted to not use theirs. I don't know how to make this hurt go away, but I have put distance between us. I'm not well and I won't tell them because they don't care anyway. I loved him all of his life. He was a micro premie 40 years ago and survived. His sister survived for 2 days. I lost my first baby due to tangling of the cord.. I lost twins after that again. My other son has Factor V, Jak 2 mutation and now pv. It's not different with his wife. We don't even know our grandaughter. They live in Georgia. I was told I could only come with my grandaughter was in school. I don't understand. I did everything for these girls. I mean everything. Money, shopping spree for maternity clothes, baby furniture and my thanks was I can't be part of my son's life or his child. So it's both of my sons. I understand that they are married and their wives come first, but does that mean I have to be emotionally and finally abused? Who can watch their mom cry everyday and not feel bad about that? Not me, and I had a horrible childhood and made sure I did everything different. My kids were my life and all I wanted was a family. What do I do?
toxic son and dil
Submitted by LINDA L ANDERSON on May 10, 2019 - 12:52am
Thank you so much. Nobody ever thinks that something like this will happen to them.
Toxic son and DIL
Submitted by CINDY L KAISER on June 4, 2019 - 2:33pm
Dear Linda, I am so sorry for your pain. Please do not give up on yourself, or pray for God to take you. You MUST find other sources of JOY in your life. Seek out friends, support other family/friends that appreciate you, do things that interest you, take a walk in nature. I can say all this to you, because I feel your pain. My son married two years ago, and my first grandson arrived four months later. Such Joy! I was a friend to my DIL, and I did whatever I could to help the young couple...babysit, shop for the baby (fun for me too!), listen to them, walk their dog, wash the dishes, etc. Anyway, seriously issues arose in their marriage...and ultimately I became the scapegoat. After being a "wonderful and loving Grammy" (their words), and "we couldn't do this without you"....I suddenly became an emotionally unstable, untrustworthy, lying mother who abused her son when he was a child..."slapping him around all the time...punching him in the face...and name-calling him". My son discovered, with the help of my DIL that all of HIS problems were MY fault; that my abuse and instability made him who he is....a recovered drug addict who can't keep a job and likes to slap his wife (after she punches and kicks him). What a mess! Worst of all, I haven't seen my grandson for four months because I can't be trusted with him. This was after 1.5 years of having regular "Grammy Days" with him. It is heartbreaking, especially when you KNOW you have been a good mother. I spanked my son on the bottom with an open hand, and I slapped him once in the face a handful of times for outrageous behavior. Believe me, there was lot's of motherly talking and encouragement in there as well to keep him from bullying his younger brother on a daily basis.
Anyway, I encourage you to seek time with a therapist, as I have done. She may tell you that 1) You cannot change their behavior (though you have tried) 2) They do NOT care about your pain or heartache. Perhaps on some level your son does...but his life is full and busy and he has his own family to care for. He cannot be responsible for you. 3) It's ok that you don't understand how they can act this way, especially given the past grief you experienced (I acknowledge it never goes away)...because good people like YOU can't understand people like THEM because you wouldn't treat someone that way. 4) During those moments of pain when you feel yourself going down into a dark place...divert your mind, as I have done. Watch a Hallmark movie (no stress!), play a stress-free game on your Iphone (has helped me lots. you cannot think of anything else if you are playing a little puzzle game) 5) Get a pet! My dogs have been SUCH a joy and bring me much happiness. They are worth the efforts. 6) It's ok to maintain occasional contact with your son because maybe things WILL get better, and someday you hope to resume your relationship with your grandchildren. A short message, "thinking of you, hope all is well". DON'T mention your pain, disappointments or go into long messages. The GOAL is to establish some sort of relationship with your grandchildren and carve out a NEW role.
As for the grieving...I was a caregiver to my other son who died after a long battle with leukemia at the age of 28 years old. He thought I was a wonderful mother by the way. This was only three years ago, and my older son met his wife ONE MONTH after his brother died. I can see now how my loss directed me to a place of making my "new" family my entire world. I think it became too much for them...as perhaps you "became too much". But the cruelty and the way it has been handled...with us both! I was never an "abuser" before my son met by DIL by the way. My grandson brought such peace to my heart that I NEVER thought would come again. And they RIPPED him away from me. There are two sides. However nothing I did justifies their behavior. Find your Joy Linda. As I type I am sitting on the deck of a mountain cabin enjoying a vacation with my three little docks, feeling the breeze and listening to the birds sing. Don't try to figure them out...just focus on YOU. Hugs...
abusive son and dil
Submitted by Linda Anderson on June 6, 2019 - 3:57pm
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I do have some contact with my son. He even tells me that he's aware that I was hurt. I have come to terms that he has to handle the problems with his wife. The thing is, I never offered to do the overnight sittings so they could sleep, they asked for my help. I never said one negative word to my dil, only encouraged her and said that things would be okay. I'm a little better now, but I keep my distance. I go see my grandbabies when she is not home or my son brings them to me. For now, that is the best way to handle things. My ex and I both know he is not happy. Not long ago he said to me "I hope things don't get that bad", meaning his wife would get as bad as her father is with the chemical imbalance. I don't think there is anything I can do to help with that. I'm the one who got hurt. She hates her family, so why would she allow my son to have his. We really were a very close family when my sons were growing up. My husband and I never fought and my kids had a very loving home. I never had any issues with them or their behavior. The only thing that changed was that both my sons sought girls who didn't want to be part of a family, not their husbands anyway. Can't do anything about that either. I'm learning, but I can be slow learner. I don't like to give up on my family.
I am very sorry to hear of
Submitted by Jane E. on May 12, 2020 - 11:21am
I am very sorry to hear of your situation. You will spend hours and hours thinking this is your fault. She you realize how abused you have been you will get really angry. Your DIL sounds like she has mental health issue, a really severe one. . The best thing you can do is detach, see your grandchildren and stay out of it. Stop over giving. This problem is much more common than many realize and very few good books on the topic, if any. A horrible and painful situation .
Same Walk
Submitted by LAA on July 15, 2019 - 1:50am
You wear size 8.5 because I feel we walk in the same shoes!!!! :(
Adult child abuse of his mother
Submitted by Ellen Stanley on April 2, 2019 - 7:02am
My adult son has abused me for years ,he blames me for everything and his verbal abuse is making me feel suicidal ,when he was young it was violence towards me as he grew it was smashing the home up ,then he kept asking for money going into the thousands which I lent to help him and never got back ,he has told me so many times he wishes I was dead ,he is the youngest of 7 children and only one other did this but hqas cut me out of his life ,I grieve for my children who I love so much and miss but as a recent contact from my son threatening to blow my world apart with his words ,I who am suffering with mental health feel that I cant take anymore and he has left e feeling that it would be better if I was not alive , I cant get him to understand he is wrong in any aspect and I have admitted my faut in trying to hard as a single mum and although my kids where loved and cared for it probaly was not enough ,Im at my wits end where to turn for help as mental health in my area is no good.
Abusive son
Submitted by LINDA L ANDERSON on May 10, 2019 - 1:07am
I'm so very sorry that you are suffering just like I am. Situation is a bit different, but none the less it's the most painful thing to deal with. I hope your other children offer you the love and support you need. I have no support. My exhusband is the one who helps me financially and with doctor appts. We have no choice but to wake up every day and hope things will change. I've been dealing with my situation for 15 years. I can't take anymore. Now I am giving myself the space I need to try and recover. Please take care of YOU. I taught my kids how to put me last and now so does everyone else. I feel like the biggest failure as a mother. Life just isn't fair. God Bless you and give you the strength you need. Sometimes the wait is very long as I it's been over 15 years for me now.
Adult child abuse of his mother.
Submitted by Linda Anderson on June 6, 2019 - 4:04pm
I'm sorry that you are going through some of the things that mother's and fathers go through with their kids. There seems to be no respect once they leave the nest. I just wanted to have my sons and daughters (dil because I had no daughters). All we can do is stop being the door mat. And yes, stop wearing the sign on our heads that says "kick me'. Hang in there. I'm not going to give up on my sons because I love them. They will wake up one day. I just hope it's not too late.
step-daughter abusing her mother
Submitted by Better left unsaid on June 21, 2019 - 8:42pm
I love my ex wife with all my heart, as she loves me. We are committed to each other for the rest of our lives, but cannot be as man and wife after the horrific death of two children: one after the lies of a Catholic hospital that did not want us to abort a child, (who came out almost inside out and suffered in agony for 24 hours before doctors asked my permission to pull the plug, and the other by a crystal meth induced psychotic break in Vancouver's Downtown East Side. After the first death, we could not face each other, and were apart for 20 odd years. After the second death, we started talking again, realized we still loved one another, that our families had pulled us apart after the death of our child, that we hadn't communicated, each thinking the other blamed the other for the death of the child...and we began a long distance relationship as friends who were still in love, but could never be man and wife again.
Her family thinks I am a monster, that I killed our second daughter, that it was suspicious, that she was murdered, (I had a funeral home recover her body and saw the physical evidence of how she died, and the police told me the cause of death--but the family myth that I murdered her is a useful tool for them to keep us apart.) Despite that, my ex still loves me. She knows the truth.
Recently, she decided to come live with me, (again, we are not man and wife, but she was in a financial pickle.) Her family immediately disowned her. Her mother told her (not kidding) she "just like d#ck." It shattered her emotionally. I helped her rebuild, paid for her to stop working and go to school, helped her get her feet back on the ground and showed her enough love and attention (I hope) that she seemed happy again. Then one of her daughters trapped her.
She had owned a townhouse, that her parents insisted she buy, but that she could not afford. She had moved into her parents basement, (paying almost all of her pay to rent and debt to them,) and let her daughter and friends move into the townhouse with the promise of paying her rent. For the last year of that agreement that I knew her, they did not pay it. The mortgage fell deeply into areas, and she lost the townhouse. She is facing bankruptcy now. But she didn't want her daughter on the street...so she asked me to get a place where we could all live together. I told her I was not comfortable paying for an almost 30 year old daughter to live, and that she must pay rent, (350,) because she is working, but that I was concerned because she had not paid my ex any rent as agreed.
So here we sit, in another townhouse...and the daughter does not pay her bills properly, assumes I am going to cover her debts, yells at her mother, calls her very derogatory names, shames her mother in front of me, gets drunk OFTEN and is even worse then, but I cannot say or do anything. If I say anything...I am a murderer of her sister and she will threaten to leave her mother (who desperately does not want to lose that last family member who hasn't rejected her.) If I leave, it would break my ex's heart because her daughter would reject her. If I stay, sooner or later i will stand up, tell the daughter exactly what I think of her and what her family has done to her mother...and of course, that will cause the daughter to leave and break my ex's heart. No matter what I do, my ex will be devasted.
It is wrong. The daughter verbally abuses her. She financially abuses her, (never paid rent for a year until foreclosure,) and is now beginning petty financial abuse of me...she does not pay her bills as agreed, has used my credit card for a spotify account but never pays me back as agreed, uses me for transportation to her job and back but does not pay the agreed 5 dollars for the 40 minute round trip drive, and assumes I buy the groceries and pay her share of utilities...plus her old debts for her past utilities that were in her name.
I'm getting sucked into the abuse, and am going to put my foot down. Come April, I will not re-sign the lease and am moving out. What I want to do is end the abuse. I hate seeing my ex cowering in silence before her daughters abusive tantrums. I am getting out, with my ex if she wants to come, but want to do so without my ex being devastated yet again by another family member rejecting her.
I need help for her. Any advice will be helpful, please and thank you.
Concerned ex.
abusive children
Submitted by Linda Anderson on June 23, 2019 - 7:22pm
Wow...I read every word that you wrote and not only is your exwife being abused, but so are you. I know how it feels to be told that you killed your own child. I was told that by my MIL after losing 2 babies. One they buried behind my back while i was still in the hospital. I never got over that. One full term with the cord tangled and the other was a twin who lived for 2 days. Her twin brother lived. He truly was a miracle. My family was so close and nothing could ever break our bond---so I thought. My sons both married women who are very controlling and won't allow them to have a relationship with their parents. I have a granddaughter in Georgia that I don't even know. My son never brings her to NJ but he always takes her to Florida to see his wife's family. My other son, well he should know better since he is in the medical field. As parents we do everything that we can to help our children, but this generation has a problem with respect and appreciation for anything. Entitlement is a huge problem. They took my money and my exhusbands money and they have no care in the world as far as returning it. My son is a manager of a hospital pharmacy and his wife is a project manager for cancer research. They make lots of money and yet emptied my savings. I was manipulated and now broke. I do have my home. Like you, I have a very close relationship with my ex. We both love each other very much but the constant chaos was too much to bare. We became closer when we lost our babies, but this current situation was too much and it destroyed our family. So yes, I feel like you are telling a very familiar story. If I had things to do all over again. I would keep my money in MY account and I would have handled things much differently and would have forced my husband to leave with me. Instead I ran away from all of them. I will tell you that I was smart enough to speak to my ex about our estates and inheritance for our sons. We now are each other's beneficiary so that they won't get the money so soon. It will take longer for both of us to die. I also made sure that the money has to follow the blood line. These DIL's are evil and I won't allow my hard earned money to go to them. I also have an age restriction. They won't like it, but too bad. I had a nervous breakdown over losing my family. I am getting better, but still feel like a failure as a mother. Blaming myself, even though I know I was a wonderful mother. You must put your foot down. I tried doing all the things to keep the peace, but it doesn't work. Your exwife doesn't realize that yet. She is being held hostage by her daughter and it won't end pretty. My younger son has a blood cancer. We had to fix things so that he has to have his brothers signature to get money. Why, because his wife said three years ago that she is only there because she has nowhere to go. So, we had to protect him. He will be angry, but in the end he will realize that we did all of this out of love. What if he gets sick and can't work and has no healthcare? I wish the best for you. I feel bad because telling someone that they killed their own child is something that never leaves your mind. I always asked myself. Did i really cause that to happen? Your wife's daughter is 30 and an adult. People like her are survivors. Ultimately you have to do what is best for you. I have learned so much and I honestly can tell you that I would never give another penny. Not one cent. You are responsible for your children until they are 18. Anything after that is a GIFT. Tell her that. I hope and pray that you are okay. Stay strong and do what you need to do for YOU. Kids today could care less if they hurt their parents. My advice to myself was "it's time to stop giving". I won't give any more. Hang in there. You deserve so much better. I'm very sorry you are going through this, but I certainly can relate. Linda
Abusive adult children
Submitted by Marilyn on August 5, 2019 - 7:17pm
I'm so thankful I was told to read this! Sure can relate to these parents! I'm on one of the biggest "guilt trips" ever!! What needs to be done in my case I don't want to do. I live in fear if being verbally and physically abused. I've left home three times over this. The only choice I have is one I don't want to make. Keep telling myself it will get better, no it won't. Keep praying for the best! One of the toughest things ever. Thank you for sharing.
Abusive adult children
Submitted by Melanie on August 18, 2019 - 6:59pm
I have no clue what is wrong with these kids! I have a son who is 43 and daughter who is 38 they came from a good home, had everything they needed; not always what they wanted. I've helped them many times. I lost my job, then my car and then my house and am facing bankruptcy. I've been walking everyplace I go now. I'm living in section 8 housing never have I been this low before. I've asked my children to help me $140.00 a month, actually $70.00 a piece until I can get on my feet. or get something going. You would think that I am asking for 1,000 a month. Both are verbally abusive and I don't understand it! I would never treated my Mother the way mine are treating me.
Abusive Adult Children
Submitted by CINDY L KAISER on August 19, 2019 - 9:25am
Melanie I am sorry you are going through these extreme challenges. I personally think that your children should have offered to help in some way before you had to ask. Each generation wants it's children to "do better" than they did. Somehow the Boomers went too far and helped create, with the help of entertainment & media, a generation of entitled "snowflakes" who are offended far too often.
That is the truth. They are
Submitted by Jane E. on May 12, 2020 - 11:29am
That is the truth. They are entitled. A whole generation of narcissists. We went too far and now pay the price. What a mistake. Though many of them have changed when they married the wrong person. It is a complete nightmare.
Threats
Submitted by Anna on September 4, 2019 - 6:50pm
My experience with my adult daughter with borderline personality disorder is very much like what others have described here. Lately I have been attempting to place limits on behavior and reclaim some of my life--such as limiting the amount of time friends can be in the house (they are here 24 hours a day every day). Today she told me that (screamed, actually, for 30 minutes) that my rules were destroying her, forcing her to return to heroin or kill herself etc etc and that she needed her ex=boyfriend to stay here indefinitely to keep her sane. She told me she was going to defy my rules and implied very strongly that if I tried to stop her she would snap and hurt me. But then got very upset when I said I would need to protect myself --how could I think she is such a bad person etc etc. So the threat is hanging there with, at the same time, the accusation that if I try to do anything about it I am maligning her and screwing her up more.
My daughter is extremely intelligent and a master manipulator. Although I do worry about the threats of suicide and self-harm, I have come to believe I should resist them and I think I can do that (at least until she actually does something). My practical concern at the moment is my physical safety. I can't call the police when nothing has happened. I'm not sure what to do. Does anyone have any experience to share?
Threats
Submitted by Susan Keller on December 23, 2019 - 5:04pm
Do not wait for your daughter to carry out her threats. You can go to your city police and have it recorded that your sought their help. Most likely they will advise you to get a restraining order. At this point you need to take care of yourself. If she did carry out her threats and hurt you who would take care of you?
Most states have very strict laws of physically harming senior citizens, you should receive good advice from your local police. Look at the statistics, domestic abuse doesn't always mean husband and wife.
adult children
Submitted by LOUISE PURTON on September 20, 2019 - 8:57am
i recognize all 3 signs from my 21year old daughter,she started being verbally abusive to me and its getting worse, she does the gas lighting the manipulation, she pushes me grabs me, never cleans up, pays no board, she works but doesnt offer any i let it go as she has a 3 yr old,she goes out a lot at night.tomorrow im telling her to leave. shes smashed a glass door in the house broke a statue i had for my 18th birthday its 32 years i had it off my parents, shes told me she will stab me,and smash my face in,im ready to move on without her now .
All the parents in this comment section sound like narcissit
Submitted by Jade Davis on February 10, 2020 - 6:38pm
You probably "did so much for your son or daughter" but never acknolwedged them as their own people. Did you force them to do things that you thought were good? And they dont appreciate it? maybe you have to actually connect to people for them to appreciate something. Maybe you never realized your kids personality. They dont appercaite you buying them pink dresses because they dont fit in with that model. They didnt apperciate you screaming at them to do better because they needed help in a different way. So I find it hard to believe. Yall are adults and are 20 to 30 years older than your children, you parents set up and create a dynamic
YOU SET UP THE DYNAMIC.
YOU HAVE MORE RIGHTS AND WISDOME
if a child is abused by their parent then they have less rights and wisdown on how to navagate the relationship
Yall are old adults and are blaming your children, none of waht yall complain about sounds like abuse. It just sounds like you are annoyed with other people other than yourself.
Parents in the comments, have you ever been unfair when your child didnt do something? have you shamed them in their time of need? have you beat them? they probably resent you
Sorry Jade
Submitted by Jane E. on May 12, 2020 - 11:35am
This is not what happened. I am sure of many of the parents who posted here. Their children were not beaten, shamed or in any way abused, THEY are the abusers and narcissists and this problem is more common than many realize.
Article hit the nail on the head in our case.
Submitted by Connie Brown on March 3, 2020 - 9:22pm
Ok, I need to know how to go forward after we take off our kick me signs off
Good question, and no easy
Submitted by Jane E. on May 12, 2020 - 11:45am
Good question, and no easy answer. Don't be surprised if the behavior escalates. These kids do not like boundaries. They want what they want when they want it. Take a long break. You have to change your part of the dynamic and realize you may never have the relationship you hope for or deserve. It is hard to forgive apology after apology when there is no behavior change.
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