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Relationships
12 Ways You May Be Sabotaging Your Relationship
… and 12 proven ways to revive your connection, starting today.
Posted October 28, 2016
Being with a partner for the long haul can indicate the presence of serious commitment or be a sign of significant inertia, depending on the couple. If two partners are committed to sticking it out, they need to take care not to stick it to each other, too.
There are at least 12 common missteps that can trip you up along the path to relationship satisfaction, especially when you lose sight of the importance of your partner. Ask yourself the following 12 questions. If you answer "yes" to any one, consider the behavioral antidote suggested and see if your relationship can heal.
1. Do you pick up the nonverbal messages your partner uses, or only attend to the words that are said?
Do this instead: Work to attend to the words, the tone of voice, and your partner's mood whenever you're communicating.
2. Do you assume that you no longer need to say “please,” “thank you,” or, perhaps most important, “I love you,” to your partner because he or she “should know” how you feel?
Do this instead: Try using your best manners all the time, not just on dates, and communicate your love openly and frequently.
3. Do you fail to treat your partner as the treasure he or she represents to you, even if you feel that way?
Do this instead: Find small ways to show your appreciation as often as feasible—with both words and deeds.
4. Do your moods and needs determine when and where affection and intimacy occur in the relationship?
Do this instead: Recognize that everyone’s needs for closeness, intimacy, and sexual engagement differ. Each member of a couple should have the right to share their preferences without fear of harsh rejection; being “too tired” or “too stressed” are poor excuses when the potential emotional, physical, and psychological reward are so significant.
5. Do you ever forget the reasons you initially chose your partner, or the pleasure the relationship offered or promised in its early days?
Do this instead: When you are disappointed by the current state of your relationship, or frustrated by the “sameness,” take a moment to reflect back on what first drew you to your partner—the anticipation you would feel as you made plans to see him or her, the way they made you feel just by being in your company. Let this be the lens through which you view your partner, not the lens of the everyday.
6. Do you assume that marriage or a long-term commitment guarantees that you have done all of the “proving” of your affection or love that a partner might need?
Do this instead: Reflect on the ways that he or she has stood by you through the difficult times, painful periods, or tragedies in life. Acknowledge the many ways that your partner shows his or her love for you and find ways to match it.
7. Do you freely share your criticisms of your partner's behavior, choices, or goals?
Do this instead: Instead of criticizing as a way of sharing your concern, offer support and encouragement, and never belittle your partner's efforts.
8. Do you constantly tell your partner how to avoid a mistake or generally take on the role of “backseat driver”?
Do this instead: Allow your partner to do things the hard way, if that’s the way he or she wants to.
9. Do you spend your free time in activities that do not include your partner?
Do this instead: Make room for “couple’s time,” “alone time,” or “other friends’ time” on a regular basis. Not every waking moment needs to be spent in each other’s company, but sharing leisure time and activities with your partner adds to the pleasure and the possibilities in the relationship.
10. Do you make hard and fast rules about what you will and will not talk about?
Do this instead: Try being more open to discussing topics that your partner has expressed the desire to address—no matter how painful, boring, or absurd you may at first believe it to be.
11. Do you make complaining your first choice for communication by letting your partner know how angry your boss, co-workers, other drivers, or family members and friends make you?
Do this instead: Strive to share your concerns or complaints calmly and rationally. Don’t punish your partner for something someone else did to you. He or she can soothe your troubled mind and improve your mood, but only if you don’t turn them off with your anger and a lecture about the faults of others.
12. Do you make everything about your own needs, and assume everyone else should be able to take care of themselves?
Do this instead: Listen to what your partner says he or she needs and wants from the relationship. Unless both partners invest in its outcome, the relationship is unlikely to sustain the difficulties that life tends to place in the way.
