Why Everyone Should Ask More Questions on Dates

Nearly half (47%) of Americans saying dating is harder today than it was 10 years ago and 67% of singles saying their dating life is going "not too well" or "not at all well" (Barroso, 2020). One of the strongest ways to build more joy and flow when dating is by being authentically curious and asking your companion questions. The science around the importance of question-asking on dates is kind of astounding.

Asking Questions Makes It More Likely You'll Get a Second Date

People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners. Specifically, daters who ask more follow-up questions during their dates are more likely to elicit agreement for second dates from their partners (Huang et al., 2017). The support for liking people more when they ask you questions is “robust” and “consistent” (Huang et al., 2017). People nominated "having a deep conversation" and "asking good questions" as some of the top behaviors that contributed to a second date (Moran et al., 2023). As Elizabeth Weingarten (2016) writes, "Knowing how to ask questions well is about the closest the average person can come to having a superpower."

Curiosity, Considered the "Genesis of Intimacy," Predicts Attraction and Closeness

Kashdan and Roberts (2004) argue that curiosity is "the genesis of intimacy." Being curious about your partner helps you know more about them, which leads to the desire to know even more, which creates conversational interactions that lead to enduring intimacy (Kashdan & Roberts, 2004).

Curiosity uniquely predicts greater partner ratings of attraction and closeness, even when controlling for positive affect, negative affect, and social anxiety (Kashdan & Roberts, 2004).

Daters View Conversation Skills as More Important Than Physical Appearance

People consistently do not anticipate that question-asking will increase interpersonal liking (Huang et al., 2017). Yet 47% of people in a recent survey said that conversational skills were important on a date. Conversational skills beat out physical appearance, which only 44% of people said was important (Naughton, 2023).

People are consistently surprised that conversations, even with strangers, feel less awkward and create more connectedness and happiness than they expect (Kardas et al., 2022). They report feeling closer to others after they have deep conversations (Kardas et al., 2022).

Conversational skills can be measured with a 4-point evaluation (from the Retained Communication Functions Questionnaire) which includes:

1. Can make conversations seem effortless
2. Is easy to talk to in almost any circumstance
3. Is always interesting and fun to talk with
4. Makes conversation really easy and fun (Burleson et al., 1996).

Opening Up: The Importance of Self-Disclosure

While asking questions is a key conversation skill, "opening up" by sharing about yourself is important, too. People who engage in intimate disclosures tend to be liked more than people who disclose at lower levels (Collins & Miller, 1994). Research indicates that self-disclosure is an important predictor of intimacy, especially when emotions (rather than just facts or information) are disclosed (Laurenceau et al., 1998).

Reciprocal self-disclosure (when someone tells a story or discusses a topic, and you tell about a related story or topic) is also helpful. Research suggests that reciprocal self-disclosure in conversations is responsive and effective, and incurs fewer social costs than non-disclosure (Reese, 2017). People feel validated, understood, and cared for when a conversation partner shares comparable experiences (Reese, 2017). An exception to this is one-upping, when a person seems to try to "outdo" the other with seemingly better or more extreme stories.

Conversational Narcissists, Bullies, Interrogators, and Flatliners Prevent Intimacy

One opposite of positive conversation skills is being a "conversational narcissist," a person who often hogs the conversation, with little regard for the viewpoints of others (Derber, 2000), or a "conversational bully," a person who dominates the conversation (Tannen, 1984). A conversational narcissist pursues attention and employs techniques to turn the course of a conversation toward themselves, which leaves the other person feeling drained and unhappy (Derber, 2000). One survey found that, when ranking communication problems they experience, 24% hated "being interrupted" and 19% did not like "being talked over" (Zajechowski, 2023). Tannen (1984) writes that, for some, conversations revolve around exhibiting knowledge and skill, holding the stage through storytelling, joking, or imparting information, and negotiating for status (rather than discovering connections).

A second opposite of good conversation is "interrogating" a date with one question after another without really listening, following up, or allowing for organic moments or humor. Wolman (2015) writes, "On a date? Don't interrogate!" and argues that asking peppering questions in an interview style is a one-sided interaction, rather than a dialogue. This one-sided interaction can get in the way of romantic synchronicity and chemistry, in which things "flow" and people develop a perception of a shared identity, positive affect, attraction, and similar goals (Reis et al., 2021).

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A third contrast to solid conversation is silence: letting conversation topics fall "flat" by not asking follow-up questions, giving very little feedback, or acting uninterested or bored. When people are more bored in a relationship, dates are lower in quality, with lower feelings of satisfaction, closeness, enjoyment, and passion (Harasymchuk, 2023).

Active Listening Is Crucial

Once you ask a question, it is essential to listen and offer "active listening responses," including eye contact, head nodding, vocalizations, or asking follow-up questions about what the person just said. Research suggests that people who received "active listening responses" felt more understood and more satisfied with the conversation as well as more attracted to their partner than those who received advice or simple acknowledgments (Weger et al., 2014). Active listening skills include supportive statements ("Oh, that's awesome!"), follow-up questions ("What led you in that direction?"), and paraphrasing ("It sounds like you love being able to attend those conferences!"), as well as attentive body language.

Curiosity Will Help You Be Happier, Regardless of How the Date Goes

Cultivating a genuine interest in other people helps you learn and grow, too, regardless of whether you want to see a date again. Being curious won't just lead to better dates or closer relationships; it will also make you happier. Research shows that curiosity is one of the four character strengths most closely associated with life satisfaction (Peterson et al., 2007).

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