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There is great value in learning to live with the anxiety that comes with motherhood.
Anxiety is sprinkled throughout any typical day. From an inconsolable baby, to insufficient sleep, to a genetic predisposition, anxiety during motherhood is much more the norm than the exception. In fact, there is nothing remarkable about motherhood and anxiety other than to say that it is expected and rather unexceptional.
Unless, of course, the anxiety is extreme, severe, or debilitating; which it can be when it is linked to scary thoughts. Mothers need to feel better prepared for this common but frightening experience.
If you understand that scary thoughts in new motherhood are universal, the best course of action is to accept this uncomfortable reality and cultivate a greater sense of resiliency as backup. Resiliency refers to your capacity to bounce back from adversity or to endure hardship of some kind. Each step you take in this direction enables you to better protect yourself against the uncertainties that lie ahead.
1. Accept the current state. Resisting what is occurring is a sure-fire way to increase your anxiety, frustration, fear, and a host of other undesirable emotional responses. Accepting the current state is difficult to do if you are accustomed to thinking negatively. Still, this fundamental first step lays the groundwork for acceptance and inner strength.
2. Take care of yourself and your relationships. Everyone wrestles with her own demons from time to time. Those times, when you feel the very least desire to reach out, are often the times when it is most important for you do so. The ability to connect with yourself, your partner, and others is a vital aspect of healing. Resiliency comes from connection, not isolation.
3. Recognize your own strengths. Perhaps it’s hard to think about the gifts you bring to others and what it is about you that others admire or need, but reclaiming your self-esteem is exactly what you need to do. Have you lost sight of what distinguishes you from others? Are you taking yourself for granted because you are so tired of being anxious and scared of your own thoughts? Are you aware that it’s possible to be anxious and competent at the same time? Postpartum women, who are working hard to be perfect, forget that they can be symptomatic and strong simultaneously. Many mistakenly presume if they have symptoms, they are weak. Again, accept the current state of distress and continue to be strong and move forward through this.
4. Set limits. This a time when it is crucial to learn how to say no. Equally relevant is when, and to what, we say yes. Are you making yourself too available? Are you worried about what others might think? Establishing appropriate boundaries will help you reserve strength and minimize burn out. Anxiety eats up enormous amounts of energy and setting limits can help you refuel.
5. Find your sense of humor. If it feels like you’ve lost your sense of humor, give yourself permission to look for it. Surround yourself with people who make you laugh or feel good. Everyone knows that good hearty laughter is contagious. Force yourself to get out of your head and find a funny place to rest for a while. It distracts your brain from its scary thoughts and, at the same time, help you breathe more deeply. Humor helps you break through the boundaries imposed upon you by your scary thoughts, if only for a moment, and frees you from the perceived seriousness of the situation. Coping becomes more bearable when things feel lighter.
6. Forgive yourself and others. Be gentle with yourself and your tender spots; you have seen that you are vulnerable in ways that may predispose you to distress. Kindness, tolerance, and forgiveness are the cornerstone of acceptance and emotional well-being. Opposition to the current state of anxiety does little more than regenerate anxiety. Begin to believe that you can endure this high state of anxiety, without judgment, without fear of recrimination, without blame. Believe that you are struggling with something that has a name and a clinical course which responds to treatment. You are not doomed to be at the mercy of your unwanted thoughts. Recognize your achievements along the way and reward yourself for facing and speaking the truth.
7. Find meaning. How you respond to life’s challenges largely depends on your resiliency. Submitting to the pain and powerlessness of unwanted thoughts will leave you feeling weak and disheartened. The wisdom that comes from breaking the cycle of scary thoughts involves the capacity to reinterpret this negative experience. How can you find meaning from such agony? That is the pearl that you must discover on your own, as it is uniquely your experience. As futile as it may feel, finding the meaning in any crisis builds resilience by elevating your spirit.
Virtually every mother, at one point or another, has battled scary thoughts, images, or impulses. Trapped by their increasing emotional distress, mothers often have trouble understanding the nature of these unwanted thoughts and urges. They may be embroiled in cultural beliefs that do not tolerate a mother’s failure to exude unconditional love, or they may struggle mightily and torture themselves with relentless self-blame. They mistakenly try to measure their maternal success by the absence of distress. They may feel pressure amid the array of supportive voices clamoring around them or from their own self-persecuting whispers.
For all mothers, the hard truth is that anxiety is part of the deal. Accepting the reality that motherhood is indeed laden with angst is the first step toward understanding and managing the anxiety that emerges. Once you accept that this is okay and a part of your current experience, the anxious days become bolstered by your resilience, leaving more room for the joy.
Adapted from Dropping the baby and other scary thoughts: Breaking the cycle of unwarnted thoughts in motherhood by Karen Kleiman & Amy Wenzel (Routledge, 2010)
