Stonewalling as a Form of Emotional Abuse

John has been married to Lisa for seven years. Over time, John has noticed a troubling pattern in their relationship: during conflicts, Lisa often resorts to emotional withdrawal and gives him the silent treatment. This behavior leaves John feeling isolated and desperate for connection. He finds himself replaying past conversations in his mind, trying to decipher what went wrong, and often feels an overwhelming sense of anxiety and sadness.

In therapy, we explored how John’s experiences with Lisa mirror the emotional dynamics of his childhood. Growing up, his mother frequently used silence and emotional withdrawal as a form of punishment, withdrawing affection whenever John or his brother displeased her. This pattern of emotional neglect created a deep fear of abandonment in John, making him anxious about his self-worth and his ability to maintain relationships. As a child, he learned to internalize his feelings, believing that any conflict would lead to rejection and silence.

Now, as an adult, John grapples with these unresolved feelings whenever Lisa turns away from him. The silent treatment triggers painful memories of his childhood, causing him to feel intense anxiety. "I just can't handle it until she talks to me again!" he says, "it's like I feel desperate. It's so uncomfortable and so unlike me."

Source: Christopher Ross from Pixabay

The silent treatment, also known as stonewalling or emotional withdrawal, involves intentionally ignoring or refusing to communicate with someone. This behavior can manifest as withholding conversation, giving one-word responses, or completely avoiding any physical or emotional contact. While it may seem like a temporary coping mechanism during conflicts, the silent treatment is often used as a tool for manipulation, control, and punishment.

In discussions about domestic violence, whether in families or relationships, physical abuse often takes center stage. Yet, forms of emotional and psychological abuse like the silent treatment is an equally damaging form of abuse¹. This psychological tactic, often disguised as a benign or passive response, can have lasting effects on individuals, especially if it happened during the developmental years when we are forming our sense of self.²

In romantic relationships, the silent treatment often functions as a method of emotional abuse. An abuser may use this tactic to exert power over their partner, reinforcing their dominance in the relationship. When one partner withdraws communication, it can create an imbalance that leaves the other feeling isolated and desperate for connection. This is especially harmful in relationships characterized by ongoing conflict or tension, where one partner may already feel vulnerable. It is also one of the biggest predictors of divorce when used in romantic relationships.³

Silent treatment can also be a form of gaslighting, where the abuser makes the victim doubt their feelings and perceptions. The victim may begin to question their reality, believing that their needs for communication and connection are unreasonable. This leads to a cycle of emotional distress and self-doubt, where the victim internalizes feelings of guilt and inadequacy.

Within families, the silent treatment can be a harmful form of abuse used by parents as a way to exert control or enforce compliance. For instance, a parent might ignore a child after a disagreement, using silence as a means of punishment. This creates fear and uncertainty in the child, who learns to associate their behavior with emotional withdrawal from their parent. In short, they internalize this abuse into self-blame. Children who experience this form of emotional neglect in their families may struggle with feelings of unworthiness, leading to mental health symptoms such as anxiety and depression. The absence of healthy communication and support can stunt emotional development, making it difficult for survivors to form healthy relationships later in life^1,2. This is why survivors like John may grow up and enter relationships with similar unhealthy patterns.

One of the reasons silent treatment is not widely recognized as a form of abuse is that it lacks the visible signs and public condemnation associated with physical violence. Society tends to focus on overt acts of aggression, often dismissing emotional and psychological abuse as less serious. Also, because this form of abuse often occurs in private — in families or in intimate relationships — it is difficult to identify. Children growing up in this type of environment may feel confused and ashamed, as they may not yet know that this behavior is unhealthy. This misconception perpetuates the cycle of abuse.

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By recognizing the signs of this, and other, forms of emotional abuse, we can continue to raise awareness and create space for open conversations about abuse.

If you, or someone you know, is experiencing domestic violence or an unsafe relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE or find a therapist in the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.