Are All Families Dysfunctional?

A couple of months ago, I gave a presentation on how to support clients from traumatic families at a conference. Inevitably, a hand shot up from the back of the room: “But aren’t all families dysfunctional?” the participant asked.

Source: Blog Cube / Pixabay

I get this question a lot. So often, that I incorporate it into most of my presentations or trainings.

Many of my clients will also ask something similar: “I thought every family was like this?”

To that, I always say “yes and no.”

All families, like all social systems, will have some degree of dysfunction, as none of us is perfect. But, whether the dysfunction extends to traumatic or abusive levels depends on many different factors, mostly on the extent of the behaviors, as well as the amount, if any, of awareness and accountability of those in power.

Context is key.

I will never tell someone how to feel or categorize their experiences of their family history. However, I understand that many people want to explore the differences and similarities of dysfunctional behaviors. Sometimes, this is to get validation, sometimes reassurance. Ultimately, understanding that there is a spectrum of behaviors within family dynamics can help survivors who struggle to understand their history.

While there are certain acts that are, beyond a doubt, dysfunctional—such as any and all forms of abuse—many behaviors in dysfunctional families can be more nuanced and difficult to categorize. Still, sometimes acknowledging that we may have had any form of dysfunction in our family can evoke feelings of powerlessness.

Looking at the bigger picture of behaviors is key to determining their level of dysfunction. Normal dysfunction refers to the everyday conflicts and challenges that arise in any social dynamic—miscommunication, disagreements, or interpersonal personality differences. The difference in healthy families is that these moments will often allow for growth. An argument, when handled in a healthy way, can reinforce the development of problem-solving skills among family members.

Labeling all bad behavior as dysfunctional can feel dismissive to those who have experienced traumatic dysfunction.

There is a tendency to overuse words like “dysfunction” and “trauma,” which makes those of us who have had these experiences feel dismissed or invalidated. I know the frustration that I feel when friends say things like, “Let it go—all families have something.” All families will have their imperfections, but if your home felt scary or unsafe and if the adults in your home were abusive or put you in unsafe situations, this is much different than having an occasional argument over politics at Thanksgiving.

I always want to give respect and validation to those who experienced different levels of dysfunction in their homes, but not all levels of dysfunction are traumatic. Having an unstable uncle who drinks too much wine and tells inappropriate political jokes at holiday parties can certainly be an aspect of dysfunction. But it is likely not traumatic.

A sibling who occasionally loses their temper might be seen as dysfunctional, but if this anger is followed by remorse, acknowledgment, and a conscious and visible effort to change this behavior, this could be an example of “normal” dysfunction. If, however, they refuse to take accountability and the behavior continues, this could extend into traumatic dysfunction.

The difference between normal and traumatic dysfunction lies primarily in the intensity and impact of the behaviors within a family.

Having one or two unhealthy behaviors crop up occasionally is usually not cause for concern. Traumatic dysfunction involves patterns of behavior that are harmful and pervasive, such as emotional or physical abuse, neglect, or extreme manipulation that occurs over a long period of time. This type of dysfunction creates an environment of fear, instability, and ongoing emotional pain, leading to significant psychological scars and lasting trauma that likely impacts you today.