Intimate Partner Violence in LGBTQ Relationships

Mellie, a 28-year-old trans woman, struggled to recognize the abuse she was experiencing in her relationship with Jamie. In the beginning, Jamie was very loving and understanding, and celebrated Mellie’s identity, showering her with affection and compliments. But as the relationship deepened, Jamie’s behavior shifted, and she would often belittle Mellie’s choices, mocking her for her clothing or the way she expressed her gender.

The emotional abuse escalated when Jamie threatened to "out" Mellie to her family and friends if she ever considered leaving. Jamie also refused to use Mellie’s chosen name and pronouns, insisting on using her dead name as a form of control. Each instance chipped away at Mellie’s self-esteem, leaving her feeling invisible and trapped.

As the relationship progressed, Mellie found herself increasingly isolated from her friends. Jamie discouraged her from attending LGBTQ events or connecting with supportive communities, claiming that they were a bad influence. Feeling alone and powerless, Mellie wrestled with internalized doubts and guilt, questioning whether she deserved better, or if it was even possible for her to have a healthy relationship.

One night, after an intense argument, Jamie became physically aggressive, pushing Mellie to the ground. It was the first time Mellie had experienced physical violence in a relationship, and it shattered her sense of safety. Jamie justified her behavior by using transphobic statements such as mentioning Mellie being bigger and stronger than her.

Months later, Mellie was still struggling to get a protection order against her ex. The judge, unwilling to use Mellie's name and correct pronouns, refused to believe that Mellie was a victim in this situation, and instead scoffed at this "little disagreement."

Mellie's story is not unique. Traditional notions of domestic and intimate partner violence (IPV) often center around heterosexual relationships, which can lead to a lack of relevant resources for LGBTQ individuals². Many support services may not adequately understand the nuances of diverse relationships or the specific ways in which power and control manifest in these dynamics.

As clinicians, it is essential that we understand abuse and power dynamics in diverse relationships, and recognize that they often present differently than how they do in "straight" relationships. Due to their gender and sexuality, many Queer people face stigmas in society, and particularly in the legal and healthcare system. This can make getting support or legal protection very difficult. When clinicians understand the different ways that IPV can manifest in Queer relationships, we can provide more inclusive approaches for clients who seek support¹.

Source: Julie Rose/Pixabay

Here are some unique ways that IPV can manifest in Queer relationships.

1. "Outing" the person as a form of retaliation: Victims may hesitate to report abuse due to fear of being outed or facing discrimination from law enforcement and support services, leading to a silence that can perpetuate the cycle of violence.

For some LGBTQ individuals, their sexual orientation or gender identity is deeply personal and may be shared selectively, often due to fear and safety concerns. With limited protection, many trans individuals struggle with coming forward about their gender identity. An abuser may threaten to "out" their partner as a way to exert control or retaliate, particularly if the victim is not yet "out."

2. Using biases and discrimination against them: "Authorities often lack the knowledge of how to handle domestic violence cases involving people of the same gender,"⁴ leaving victims struggling to obtain protection. Abusive partners know this and will use it to their advantage.

Furthermore, Queer survivors from marginalized groups, such as the trans community, face systemic biases that can be weaponized by an abuser. For example, a trans woman may experience additional layers of discrimination that her partner can exploit, such as societal stereotypes or prejudices regarding her identity. An abuser might manipulate these biases to undermine her sense of self-worth, making her feel trapped not only in the relationship but also within societal structures that devalue her existence.

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3. Custody battles: Custody disputes can easily become another tool of abuse in LGBTQ relationships, especially in cases involving donor-conceived children or when one partner is not the birthing or biological parent⁵. The nonbiological parent may face legal challenges, as many jurisdictions still lack protections for nonbiological parents in same-sex relationships. This can be exploited by an abusive partner, who may threaten to use the legal system to gain custody or restrict access to children, effectively using the children as pawns in the abuse. This manipulation adds emotional strain and can prevent the victim from seeking help.

4. Sexual abuse: Sexual coercion in LGBTQ relationships can manifest as forced sexual activity without protection, with abusers using someone's biology against them. Some of my clients have heard statements such as “You can’t get pregnant anyway,” which not only ignores the importance of bodily autonomy and consent but further reinforces power imbalances. It also raises additional concerns about sexually transmitted infections, emotional trauma, and the complexities of consent in a context where one partner’s autonomy is disregarded.

5. Refusing to use name or pronouns: An abuser may deliberately refuse to use their partner’s chosen name or pronouns as a means of asserting power and control. This act of denial can be deeply hurtful, but, most importantly, it serves as a constant reminder of the abuse, contributing to a toxic environment where the victim’s identity is invalidated.

6. Reproductive coercion: Research has shown that queer and trans individuals may experience higher rates of reproductive coercion, where an abuser attempts to control their partner’s reproductive choices.³ This can include sabotaging contraception, pressuring for pregnancy, or making threats regarding reproductive health decisions.

7. Increased pressure to hide their abuse to protect the LGBTQ community's reputation: Due to a history of stigma in the community, there is a lot of pressure to protect any image of "normalcy" among Queer relationships. "Many gay men and women hide their abuse out of a heightened fear that society will perceive same-sex relationships as inherently dysfunctional."⁵ Research shows the perception of outsiders is that IPV is not as severe in LGBTQ relationships as it is in "straight" relationships,⁶ which adds to the stigma, further silencing survivors who do come forward.