Forgiving Yourself for Ways You Coped After Trauma

As a child, Barbara endured years of emotional and physical abuse by her grandparents, who she lived with after her parents lost custody of her. In her attempts to cope, she developed behaviors that helped her survive but later left her feeling ashamed. As an adolescent, she became standoffish and aggressive, often shutting others out to avoid uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability. In her early 20s, she turned to alcohol as a way to numb the pain, believing it was the only way to escape the memories of a home filled with domestic violence and abuse.

Now, years later, Barbara is grappling with guilt over her past actions—especially the times she lashed out at others due to the pain she carried with her. She acted in unhealthy or even abusive ways towards others. "It's like I was testing them to see if they would stick around," she recalls, "and of course they didn't, because I was cruel and unkind!"

The weight of her guilt was weighing her down and preventing her from healing.

Source: Engin Akyurt/Pixabay

Survivors of child abuse often grapple with complex emotions, including guilt and shame, especially regarding the ways they coped during and after their traumatic experiences. As a result, it’s common for survivors to struggle with self-forgiveness for ways that they acted in the midst of survival, as many behaviors developed in abusive environments can lead to unhealthy patterns later in life.

Understanding how and why we developed these coping mechanisms, even while dysfunctional, is important to developing self-compassion and self-forgiveness. Survival in an abusive environment often necessitates the development of coping mechanisms that, while effective in the moment, do not serve us well in the long run. These can include emotional detachment, aggression, self-medicating, and self-destructive behaviors, among others. For example, a child who learns to fend off emotional pain by numbing their feelings and detaching may carry this coping strategy into adulthood. While it was a necessary response to trauma, and it likely allowed them to survive their abusive environment, this behavior can later manifest as difficulties in relationships, substance abuse, or an inability to trust.

As survivors begin to process their past, they may confront feelings of shame regarding their survival strategies. Many internalize the belief that their actions—whether it be lying, self-medicating, withdrawing, or acting out—reflect their character, rather than recognizing them as adaptive responses to trauma.

It’s essential to recognize that the actions taken during a time of trauma were survival strategies. They were not choices made from a place of malice but rather responses to help you survive your experience. This does not mean that our behaviors were excusable or that we are given a free pass for any pain we caused others, only that we need to look at them through a trauma-informed context to fully understand the purpose they served. This helps pave the path for acknowledgment of wrongdoing and a desire for growth to do better.

What can we do?

1. Start by reframing the narrative: Reframing the narrative around past behaviors is a critical step in your journey of self-forgiveness. I often tell my clients to start by recognizing their strength and resilience in surviving their circumstances. Rather than focusing solely on the harmful behaviors, such as self-medicating with food or alcohol, they should start with acknowledging their resourcefulness in finding a way to survive their environment. Out of context, the behavior seems harmful, but it was actually an example of your ability to endure and adapt. Reframing can help lay the groundwork for self-forgiveness.

2. Learning to love yourself: Cultivating self-love is essential for survivors on the path to forgiveness. This involves treating oneself with kindness and compassion, rather than judgment. Survivors can start by acknowledging their worth, regardless of their past. Engaging in self-care activities—whether it's nurturing hobbies, physical exercise, or simply taking time to relax—can also foster a deeper appreciation for oneself. By embracing self-love, survivors create a supportive inner environment that facilitates healing and opens the door to forgiveness.

3. Making a vow to do better, now that you know better: This can look like treating your body better, such as prioritizing sobriety and working on supporting your mental health. It can also look like making it a priority to treat others with respect and kindness. We cannot go back and change the past, but we can move forward with knowledge and understanding.

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Remember, forgiving oneself is not a destination but a process—one that is worthy of time and care. While self-forgiveness is an internal process, seeking external support can be invaluable. Therapy, support groups, or trusted friends can provide safe spaces to explore feelings of guilt and shame. Professional help, especially from therapists experienced in trauma and abuse, can guide you. Sharing experiences with others who understand the journey can also reinforce the notion that healing is possible.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.