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Motivation
New Year's Resolutions That Actually Help You
Most goals fail in the New Year because we focus on the wrong things.
Posted December 30, 2022 Reviewed by Ekua Hagan
Key points
- Many struggle with goal setting due to a history of not feeling control over their own stories, instead doing what they think they "should" do.
- A person's first goal should be to give themselves more compassion.
- Setting realistic intentions for the New Year can help one feel grounded and purposeful.
The approaching end of “the holiday season” brings with it many pressures for self-improvement. Many who have enjoyed an abundance of food and relaxation over the past month or so are even more susceptible to the guilt-inducing commercials and ads for weight loss and other things that will somehow “improve” them (usually their body)—and therefore their self-image.
Most start the new year with unattainable goals and unrealistic expectations.
“I’m going to lose 50 pounds!”
“I am giving up alcohol/sugar/reality TV.”
"My kids will not have any screen time."
"I am going to save $5,000."
January is often filled with newfound motivation and high momentum. Unfortunately, that can be followed by a crash. This is because often the goals are unattainable, unrealistic, or they come from a place of external motivation. We feel like we should make these changes because commercials, friends, and the medical community tell us we should. But often they do not stick, especially when the honeymoon phase of the New Year starts to fizzle out.
Why is this?
When we focus on things that external sources tell us we should be focusing on, instead of coming from internal motivation, we are more likely to give up on these goals. Motivational psychology often discusses two forms of motivation: intrinsic and extrinsic. A recent study found that people will put more effort toward things that directly impact their end goals than the indirect means of achieving those goals. For example, people are more likely to take on an additional role at work if they feel like it will advance their careers than they would be simply for the praise of their superiors, or due to pressure from them.
This theory of intrinsic motivation being more effective can be attributed to mental health. We are more likely to improve our mental health, such as reading about our trauma and educating ourselves on how our history affects us if it comes from a place of interest. A partner pushing us to seek rehab or therapy, for example, is less likely to have the same motivating effect.
What can we do?
For the coming year, it will be tempting to create goals that fit the narrative of what society expects of us. Losing weight, giving up smoking, and saving more money all sound good when we hear them. And if many of our friends and coworkers are doing the same, this can further reinforce the message of what we should be doing. But unless we have internal motivations for these things, it can be easier to leave them behind as the months pass.
If you want to improve your health through weight loss or giving up smoking, that is great if it comes from a place inside you. But changing these things because a family member or medical professional suggests them might not be as rewarding. It can actually produce feelings of shame, and eventually, guilt if these goals are not "achieved."
Likewise, if you want to save more money for retirement or emergencies, finding some way to motivate yourself internally will help increase your chances of sticking to these goals. Taking an extra job to save money for an upcoming vacation will probably help you feel less resentful as the hours tick on than if, say, your partner pushed you to get this job because they wanted more household spending money.
As with any goal, it’s imperative to start small. Suppose you promise yourself that you will not succumb to cravings for desserts or cigarettes in the coming year. In that case, you will inevitably feel frustrated with yourself for “failing” the first time these familiar feelings return.
Prioritize self-compassion above all else
Every year, people tell me how much they resent their job, weekly PTA meetings, or other obligations. Take inventory of your life and what brings you joy. Consider re-evaluating or even changing what does not bring you happiness.
This year, prioritize what makes you happy while taking time to validate yourself. Practice being understanding and show increased compassion towards your imperfections. Goal setting often brings with it feelings of grief, shame, and eagerness, because we focus on quantifiable goals such as weight loss and saving money, instead of goals such as simply feeling better about ourselves and our life. (This is not to say that you should not partake in any goals regarding physical health—only that they should be something you want, not something that comes from guilt trips or external messages from others.)
Above all else, prioritize yourself. Show yourself compassion, love, and support. It can be difficult to quantify mental health progress, which is probably why it often does not make the list of top goals or resolutions. But the goal is just as important: to feel better about yourself, your life, and your environment.
