Why Some Couples Opt Out of Wedding Night Sex

"Oh, we didn't have sex for a month after we got married!"

"Yup, we did, but I didn't want to."

Has sex in marriage become less important than in previous decades? If you don't have sex on your wedding night, what does that say about your intimate connection and attraction?

It's generally expected in American culture to have sex on your wedding night. And there's no secret around this expectation. Most gifts shared at bridal showers and bachelor/bachelorette parties encourage sexual wedded bliss through lingerie and sex toys. From my own experience, I received several pieces of lingerie and later found out that my aunts had a friendly competition to see whose gift I would wear on my wedding night.

Newly-married couple

Pixelshot / Canva

A 2016 poll from a lingerie company, Bluebella, found that more than half of the couples surveyed didn't have sex on their wedding night. For some, a lack of sexual intimacy on this big day may seem to be a worrisome sign of significant problems ahead. But is this actually the case?

Why Are Couples Opting Out?

Given all the pressure around wedding night sex, why do some couples opt out? There are some good reasons why many people don't do the deed on one of the most important days of their lives.

Tina* from Santa Fe shared that her partner and she were too intoxicated to have meaningful intimacy, so they consciously decided against it. SarahAnn (Arizona) shared that she started menstruating and cramping during her wedding ceremony. She, unfortunately, had sex with her husband on their wedding night because he insisted, not because she was interested.

Some couples, like Kira and her new husband Samuel, preferred to spend the evening dancing with friends or looking at candid photos from the wedding. Now that everyone has a camera in their pocket, friends can grab some fantastic candid shots during the wedding and text them to the couple that evening.

Several couples, including Abraham and his wife and Kendall and her wife, were mentally and physically drained, so they consummated their marriage the next night. Ronald made a half-hearted attempt, according to his husband. Still, the grips of exhaustion and alcohol were too strong to stay awake. Vernetta and her wife (of Texas) weren't intimate on their wedding night because they eloped, and their teenage daughter was in the hotel room with them.

The Good News?

Most of the reasons the couples had for not having sex were unrelated to intimacy or a lack thereof. Whether you consciously decide to wait for a better time or realize that the moment has passed, there is no indication that no wedding night sex means that your relationship is lacking love or intimacy.

Remember that couple that didn't have sex for a month after their wedding? That was Dustin and Wayne from Louisiana. They believe that unexpected grief helped their emotional intimacy grow after their wedding. Dustin's grandmother died on their wedding day, and Wayne's brother passed away two days later (the day they returned home from their destination wedding). Their grief allowed a more profound connection as they simultaneously navigated the highest high and lowest low of their new marital lives.

It's worth pointing out that some couples who contributed to this article have been married for over two decades. In other words, a lack of physical intimacy on the wedding night didn't impact their emotional or physical connection in the long run.

Loosen the Pressure Valve

Our society puts a lot of pressure on this day as if you don't have the rest of your married life to have sex. Additionally, no one even knows if you do or you don't. If the idea of sex on the night of marital bliss is causing anxiety or tension, support each other in loosening the pressure value. Pressured sex is not good sex. The last thing you want to do is couple the memories of such a wonderful day with the memories of a regretful evening.

While most agree that sex is a significant part of marriage, there are legitimate reasons to pause or wait. After all, sex is way too important to "do it" out of obligation (pun intended).

*Personal stories were submitted via CRUSH Groupies, a Facebook group dedicated to discussing sexual health and intimacy issues in a safe place. The details have been changed to protect the identities of contributors.