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Key points
- Create intimacy goals to hold yourself accountable to the progress you want to see in the bedroom.
- Have open dialog with your partner(s) about your sexual needs and desires.
- Being honest and vulnerable with your partner can foster a deeper level of intimacy.
So often, I hear couples say, "We talk about everything." However, upon further scrutiny, they really mean, "We talk about everything but sex." I get it. Sex can be a tricky, uncomfortable topic to discuss, and it's much easier to avoid it. However, we do ourselves and our partners a disservice when we avoid these conversations.
Consider these three topics you should discuss with your partner, even if it makes you uncomfortable.
Your Intimacy Goals
You are probably thinking, "Do I really need intimacy goals?"
Of course, you do! Why wouldn't we have intimacy goals? We have financial and professional goals. We even have vacation goals.
Pilcher et al. (2022) researched the effects of various types of goals, and their research confirmed what we already knew. Creating specific, challenging goals (i.e., measurable and somewhat difficult to achieve) led to more accurate outcomes than do-your-best goals and no goals.
Keep in mind that we're talking about goals, not dreams. Dreams are plans with no detail or structure. For example, "I want to have amazing sex" is a dream. There are no accountability markers with this plan. However, you can easily transition this dream to a goal. "Within two months, I will take a tantric sex course to improve my sex life."
When your partner knows your intimacy goals, they can help you reach them and/or hold you accountable for achieving them. If you aim to increase your intimacy experiences to three times per week, share that goal (writing it down helps, too). Who knows, your partner may wholeheartedly agree.
Your Sexual Preferences
There's nothing worse than being in a steamy moment and your partner does something that makes you uncomfortable or turns you off completely. One of the most common things I hear in therapy is, "She did _____, and it made me cringe."
The last thing anyone wants to do is turn off their partner. However, during new sexual experiences, we usually do what has historically worked with other partners. Sometimes, that works out great. Other times, it doesn't. This moment can easily be avoided by simply sharing what doesn't work for you and what really gets you going.
Your Past Hurts in the Bedroom
You're in the middle of a great moment, and your partner calls out someone else's name...or you are the partner who calls out the wrong name. No matter on which side of the fence you stand, this could be a past hurt in the bedroom. Sharing these intimate details with your partner will help them understand you better. It also allows them to dodge pitfalls that could get you both out of the mood.
No matter how embarrassing you think your past hurt is, if you trust your partner, you can't go wrong with honesty and vulnerability. Just as important, if you withhold this detailed information, you are putting your partner at a disadvantage.
If you're the type to shy away from sex talk, call that out for your partner. "I'm not sure why, but I'm typically very uncomfortable having these types of conversations, but I know they are valuable. You can just ignore my awkwardness." When people know where you struggle, they tend to have much more grace. Whether it's a long-term or casual partner, discussions about sex are essential to creating a safe and enjoyable sexual experience.
References
Pilcher, S., Schweickle, M. J., Lawrence, A., Goddard, S. G., Williamson, O., Vella, S. A., & Swann, C. (2022). The effects of open, do-your-best, and specific goals on commitment and cognitive performance. Sport, Exercise, and Performance Psychology, 11(3), 382–395. https://doi.org/10.1037/spy0000301
