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Relationships

Can You Hurry Love?

Time is more important than timing in romantic relationships.

Key points

  • Love is most intense at its newest but most fulfilling once time has passed.
  • Timing and change generate romantic intensity while romantic profundity relies on development and stability.
  • When timing takes top priority, lovers are always restless.
Source: Shutterstock/CristinaConti

You can't hurry love. No, you just have to wait. You got to trust, give it time. No matter how long it takes.” —The Supremes

The role of time in love is complex. Two major relevant temporal aspects are time, over a long period, and timing. But which is more important in romantic relationships?

The Paradoxical Nature of Romantic Time

If I could save time in a bottle

Source: AllaSimacheva/Shutterstock

The first thing that I’d like to do

Is to save every day till eternity passes away

Just to spend them with you.” —Jim Croce

One night with you, is what I'm now praying for.” —Elvis Presley

Time is paradoxical in love. On the one hand, every moment with our beloved is precious; on the other, as time passes, romantic intensity typically decreases. These two aspects give rise to two conflicting views: (1) time is a positive, essential aspect of love; (2) time is a negative, harmful aspect of love. In the past dimension, the negative attitude toward time is evident in the saying “It’s no use crying over spilled milk”; the positive attitude is demonstrated by yearning for ex-lovers. The negative in the present and future is indicated in expressions like “Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die,” and “It’s now or never, tomorrow will be too late.” The positive attitude is evident in the wish to be with the beloved always and forever (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019).

Two Distinctions

I married for timing and convenience; I am afraid to say. My spouse will not admit it, but he did as well.” —A married woman

“Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.” —Mae West

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Couple in love
Source: rdne-6657583 / Pexels

Understanding the coexistence of these antagonistic qualities requires the distinctions between (a) romantic intensity and romantic profundity, and (b) timing and enduring time.

Romantic intensity is a snapshot of a momentary peak of passionate, often sexual, desire. Romantic profundity goes beyond mere romantic intensity and refers to the lover’s broader and more enduring attitude. External change is highly significant in generating romantic intensity; in romantic depth, familiarity, stability, and development are more important. While romantic novelty is useful in preventing boredom, romantic familiarity is valuable in promoting flourishing (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019). Indeed, a recent study indicates that moving from passionate love, where intensity is central, to companionate love, where profundity is essential, can help maintain enduring, strong mutual bonds (Dugan et al., 2024; and here).

Timing refers to an instantaneous point in time, while time has a wider reference, including duration, frequency, and development. Timing is key in generating intense sexual experiences, the reason that quickies, makeup sex, and breakup sex are often so intense. Thus, it can be good timing to approach someone when this person is lonely. In the words of Carole King, “When my soul was in the lost-and-found, you came along to claim it.” We can also speak about wrong timing when one person is emotionally unavailable or hesitant to get involved, thereby causing emotional distance (here).

Profound love, which extends over a long period of time, requires investing time in shared activities and emotional experiences. Enduring profound love has a dispositional nature that also exists when not thinking about each other (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019). Thus, it may be acceptable to say, “I have a headache at the moment and am not in the mood to have sex with you,” but not to say, “I have a headache now and am not in the mood to love you” (here). Moreover, research suggests that sexual afterglow, which is less intense but endures longer than orgasm, determines how people feel about their sexual partner. Spouses who have experienced stronger afterglow report higher levels of marital satisfaction, both directly afterwards and over time, compared to spouses who have not (Meltzer et al., 2017, and here).

Time and Timing in Current Society

"So many men, so little time." —Mae West

I don’t want anything. I just want your time for me.” —Unknown

Today, timing has become more important than enduring time. Accordingly, the issue of speed has become central in our society, and many people feel that staying in one place involves relinquishing the chance of finding a better option. As Meryl Streep said, “Instant gratification is not soon enough” for some people. Nowadays, slow people often fall victim to rapid pace; the fast and more superficial people have an edge. The internet and social networks make the connection between people faster and less profound, thereby significantly decreasing the possibility of enduring profound relationships and increasing the problem of loneliness—as loneliness is not generated by lack of social connections, but by lack of meaningful, profound social connections (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019).

When timing takes top priority, lovers are always restless, continuously worrying that they might be missing an alluring opportunity. A constant search prevents many people from achieving enduring profound love. Romantic love is not a permanent test in which lovers need to prove again and again that they deserve each other and score higher than potential others. Romantic love is accepting the partner as he or she is while trying to bring out the best in each other. No one can always achieve the highest grades. However, we are better when not subject to constant testing.

Restless lovers often need to be clever enough to identify the optimal timing. Although profound lovers carry a lot of responsibility, they feel calmer and more secure in such relationships. And calmness is a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy: the calmer you are about your relationship, the greater your willingness to invest in it and the higher the likelihood that it will endure (here); hence, the great value of mindfulness in our highly competitive, achievement-oriented society.

Concluding Remarks

“Love and eggs are best when they are fresh.” —A Russian proverb

When we browse eggs in a supermarket, we look for two things—taste and nutritional value. And it is when eggs are fresh that they are at their peak. Life gets more complicated when love is at stake. The intensity of excitement (the “taste”) is indeed strongest when love is fresh, but the profundity of the connection (the “nutritional value”) is often best when love is mature.

Good timing can be valuable in finding a romantic partner and many love stories have begun this way. However, good timing is limited in its scope and is of hardly any value in enduring profound love. Both timing and time are important in different circumstances, and both are essential to romantic love.

References

Ben-Ze’ev, A. (2019). The arc of love: How our romantic lives change over time. University of Chicago Press.

Dugan, K. A., Fraley, R. C., Gillath, O., & Deboeck, P. R. (2024). Testing the canalization hypothesis of attachment theory: Examining within-subject variation in attachment security. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 126, 511–541.

Meltzer, A. L., et al., (2017). Quantifying the sexual afterglow: The lingering benefits of sex and their implications for pair-bonded relationships. Psychological science, 28, 587-598.

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