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Sex

How Long Should We Wait to Sleep With Someone New?

There's a difference between passive waiting and nurturing patience.

Key points

  • Young adults who waited more than two months to have sex reported higher relationship satisfaction.
  • 27% of those who experienced one-night stands continue the experience to enduring, serious relationships.
  • Tinder is responsible for pairing 25% of engaged and newly married couples who met online.
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Sex is one of the most intimate human interactions. Should you wait until profound intimacy is developed, or should you engage in sexual activity early, which in turn facilitates the development of profound intimacy?

The value of waiting to have sex with a new partner is determined by two seemingly contradictory considerations: (a) Delaying initial sex is associated with higher relationship quality, and (b) Intense sexual desire doesn’t merely attract new partners but also supports the attachment-bonding process. The first consideration is in favor of a waiting period, the second opposes it.

Women on Waiting to Have Sex

Here are several answers of women to the question: “How long do you wait until you have sex with someone you’re dating?” (via Reddit)

  • “I don't have a set time frame, but it's always before it gets super serious. I got to test drive the car before buying it.”
  • “I had sex with my husband within a couple hours of us meeting. In the past, I waited anything from hours to a month, and it never made a difference on how the relationship progressed.”
  • “I had sex with a guy I bumped into at the local food place. So, ready within two minutes of contact.”
  • “I am usually a six months girl. Most guys die on month two. The one who made it to six was lucky.”
  • “First night. Don’t waste my time. Unless, of course, they’re not comfortable.”
  • “If I'm feeling safe with them and we're getting along well, then the first date!”
  • “I don't have a set amount of time. I take things as they naturally unfold.”
  • “I only have sex after I’m in a committed relationship.”

The Value of Waiting for Sex

Various studies indicate the value of delaying sex with a new partner. Sharon Sassler and colleagues found that such delay is associated with higher relationship quality. The speed of starting sexual relationships was negatively associated with marital quality, though mainly among women. The rapid initiation of sex cuts short a valuable process of development when partners assess compatibility, make commitments, and enhance intimacy. This shortcut may set the stage for “sliding”, rather than “deciding”, to enter into cohabitation or marriage. Nevertheless, women do not have elevated divorce rates if premarital sex is limited to their future husband (Sassler et al., 2012).

Jaclyn Vancour and Marianne Fallon (2017) found that young adults who waited more than two months to have sex report higher relationship satisfaction than those who had sex earlier. Earlier sexual intercourse was associated with shorter duration of failed relationships. Delaying sex provides young adults with more time to develop emotional connection, thereby increasing relationship satisfaction and motivation to remain in the relationship.

Sexual Arousal and Relationship Quality

We do it differently in Denmark. We're such a huge hook-up culture that most people hook up at a party, have sex, and then figure out the next morning if they want to start dating or not.” — A woman

Many studies indicate the value of sex in romantic relationships. The more complex decision is whether early timing of sex with a new partner is also beneficial.

Gurit Birnbaum and colleagues (2019) found that intense desire, which attracts new partners to each other, also elicits behaviors supporting the attachment-bonding process that encourages investment in current relationships. Although this study refers to sexual desire and not to actual sexual interaction, sexual desire facilitates the enactment of behaviors that cultivate closeness and help build emotional bonds. Thus, sexual desire plays a causally important role in the development of relationships (Birnbaum et al., 2019).

When the desire is implemented to action, and the connection is great, actual sex enhances the relationship more than mere desire. This indicates the value of having early sexual interactions. However, there is also the opposite case whereby implementing sexual arousal is disappointing, as partners are nervous and don’t know much about each other. Doing things slowly decreases this risk, as well as others.

We may also consider the various meanings attributed to sexual intercourse. Marie Thouin (2024) argues that many monogamous people assume that having intercourse implies meaningful exclusivity. For non-monogamous folks, the meaning of such sex is often more explicitly negotiated, along with open conversations about sexual health, boundaries, and expectations. Such conversations can be short and result in sex on a first-date or after several dates, but not several months. In monogamous relationships, the first sexual interaction can be anything from a few minutes into a first encounter to months and even years.

Slowing down first-time sex is usually optimal, but there are personal and circumstantial differences. Thus, in cases of high sexual chemistry, sex on a first encounter is often most fulfilling, as is in cases of love at first sight and one-night stands. As an attractive divorcée said, “When I am very interested in a man, I expect to have sex within 48 hours. When the initial interest is not high, I gradually develop the relationship without revealing all my sexual cards at the beginning.” Similarly, we usually do not say, “I love you,” on a first date but reserve it for most special circumstances such as love at first sight (here, and here).

Indeed, it was found that one-night stands, which are often the briefest, most superficial sexual experiences, are nevertheless an amazing starting point of enduring serious relationships for about 27% of those who experienced them (Fisher, 2022). Furthermore, although Tinder has a reputation for generating superficial, casual sexual relationships, it is responsible for pairing 25% of engaged and newly married couples who met online (here).

Patience and Waiting

Patience is not sitting and waiting, it is foreseeing. It is looking at the thorn and seeing the rose, looking at the night and seeing the day. Lovers are patient and know that the moon needs time to become full.” —Rumi

Opposing attitudes toward waiting for sex relate to the presence of both the impatient and patient romantic heart. The impatient heart is expressed in Elvis Presley's words, “It’s now or never, be mine tonight, tomorrow will be too late.” We can see the patient heart in many songs declaring, "I will patiently wait for you forever.”

We should distinguish between patience and waiting. Waiting is a state of allowing time to go by, especially staying in one place without doing much, until new circumstances occur. Patience requires the ability to wait, while continuing to do something, despite difficulties. Waiting is often passive, while patience is typically dynamic—we continue the activity despite enduring hardship.

Patience also involves delay—i.e., making something happen at a later time than expected—but it is a positive delay intended to nurture the right circumstances. Patience differs from the negative delay of procrastination, which is the needless delay of tasks one intends to do (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019; and here).

To conclude, there are no strict rules for the optimal timing of having sex with a new partner. Aristotle believed that the most important aspect of an activity is not its quantity but its appropriateness—how suitable it is in the given circumstances. The same goes for waiting to have sex.

Although slowing down is often optimal, since it involves nurturing patience rather than passive waiting, sometimes having sex quickly is most appropriate. The key is mutual respect, open communication, and understanding each other’s desires, so that the decision to wait—or not—supports the flourishing of the relationship.

Facebook image: Hananeko_Studio/Shutterstock

References

Ben-Ze’ev, A. (2019). The arc of love: How our romantic lives change over time. University of Chicago Press

Birnbaum, G. E., Mizrahi, M., & Reis, H. T. (2019). Fueled by desire: Sexual activation facilitates the enactment of relationship-initiating behaviors. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36, 3057-3074

Fisher, H. (2015). Casual sex may be improving America’s marriages. Nautilus, March, 2, 2015.

Sassler, S., Addo, F. R., & Lichter, D. T. (2012). The tempo of sexual activity and later relationship quality. Journal of Marriage and Family, 74, 708-725.‏

Thouin, M. (2024). What is compersion? Understanding positive empathy in consensually non-monogamous relationships. Rowman & Littlefield.

Vancour, J. M., & Fallon, M. (2017). Romantic satisfaction in young adults as a function of sexual debut. Psi Chi Journal of Psychological Research, 22(2).‏

Yanaoka, K., et al. (2022). Cultures crossing: The power of habit in delaying gratification. Psychological Science, 33, 1172-1181.‏

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