One-Sided Relationships

Many adults have experienced the feeling of being under-appreciated or taken advantage of. One obvious situation that provokes such a feeling is a relationship with a narcissist. However, there are many other versions of one-sided relationships in which one person is always giving while the other is always taking. Many times, we don’t recognize what’s happening until the consequences become harmful to the giver.

Common examples of this type of relationship include:

• You tend to take on more responsibility at work than others with the same job description, and you’re beginning to resent it.
• You burn yourself out trying to keep everyone else happy at a family event so that conflict and crises are avoided.
• You’re supporting an adult child who’s well into their 20’s or beyond, even though they are capable of self-support.
• You go to the extreme to take care of a chronically ill family member, at the expense of your own health or well-being.
• You find it very difficult to say “NO” and to set boundaries that you objectively see as reasonable for you to have in place.
• You remain in a committed relationship with a person who has serious substance use problems and who will not seek help for those problems.
• You help to pay off the debts of someone who has a gambling compulsion and who will not acknowledge the need for help.

Lose-Lose Scenarios

I have seen the consequences of each of these circumstances in my professional work as a therapist. Neither person benefits from these imbalances. The giver usually sacrifices their own physical, mental, or financial well-being. They might lose their sense of self and forget what’s important to them or what brings them happiness. The taker remains stuck in their unhealthy habits or attitudes, which typically limit their personal/emotional growth.

Many people find themselves stuck in this type of relationship before they realize that it’s developing. Sometimes, the one-sidedness ends when the giver sets clearer boundaries with the taker, but many people find it difficult to set clear boundaries with others.

When an individual gets caught up in these types of relationships for extended periods of time, therapists have sometimes used the term “codependent” to describe them. It recently came to my attention that the word “codependent” may be offensive to some, to the degree that being labeled as such might appear to be shaming the (codependent) victim.

It isn’t the intent of mental health providers to blame or shame either person in these one-sided relationships. The giver might have been gradually lured into their position very unaware, from no fault of their own. The taker may have also slipped into their role without conscious intent. Due to youth, emotional immaturity, or the denial related to a compulsive habit, the taker might not be aware of the consequences for the giver.

For example, consider the parent who pays off the gambling debts of their adult child, hoping to “protect them” from the consequences of their own compulsive habit. Or the coworker who consistently takes on the assignments of others, hoping to avoid conflict in the workplace. It’s easy to imagine how the adult child gambler, the slacking coworker, and most others in the role of taker are setting themselves up for longer-term problems related to their habits. How will they develop self-control and personal responsibility if accountability isn’t required of them?

Final Thoughts

The concepts of narcissist and victim don’t always apply to one-sided relationships. If we focus on the behaviors and the relationship circumstances rather than the labels, we might be better at recognizing these circumstances in our own lives and in the lives of our clients. We may then be able to either transform these one-sided relationships into more mutually supportive relationships or, in some cases, to let go of them.

“Giving to and doing things for and with people are essential parts of healthy living and healthy relationships. But learning when not to give, when not to give in, and when not to do things for and with people are also essential parts of healthy living and healthy relationships.” —Melody Beattie.