The Psychology of Financial Dominatrixes

“How do y'all feel about 'findom'? Weird I know. Those guys are creeps. But I used to do findom. I never dressed up or did crazy stuff like that but I used to use guys for their money. No lie (how do you think I got so many clothes?) and no, I never had to send naked pics meet up with these guys or nothing. It was all simply over the internet and PayPal. They just want to splurge on you for being pretty. Well I haven't done it in a year and randomly one of the guys messaged me today and wanted to spend on me. I said okay why not...I was expecting like $50 tops. I haven't talked to this guy in forever. And well let’s just say I made an extra $416 dollars today. In one minute. Literally.” (Baelessboutique, vinted.com)

Earlier this year, I was contacted by Chris Summers, a journalist at the British newspaper The Daily Star. Chris was writing an article on exophilia (sexual arousal from aliens) and had come across my post on the topic and was looking for some academic input into his story. He sent me some of the articles he had published on sexual paraphilias including one he had published on "wallet rape." Most definitions of "wallet rape" (such as the one in the online Urban Dictionary) describe it as paying “way too much for something” resulting in “feelings of victimization, embarrassment, and guilt." However, this was not the focus of the Daily Star article. According to Summers, wallet rape refers to men who get a sexual kick out of giving money to women. More specifically:

“Hundreds of men in Britain and thousands more worldwide enjoy being under the control of a financial dominatrix or ‘findom.' These guys are not ‘sugar daddies’ who shower young lovers with expensive gifts in return for a sexual pay-off. In most cases, they don't even get to meet the ‘goddess’ they worship. They just enjoy being ‘paypigs’ or ‘slaves’…[most findoms] never [have] sex with [their] clients.”

Summers interviewed a number of individuals for his article — "Goddess Haven," a 21-year-old female findom, "Bill," a 60-year-old businessman who works up to 14 hours a day and is a lifelong "submissive," and Dr. Jess O’Reilly, Canadian sexologist and author of The New Sex Bible. According to Goddess Haven:

"I've learned so much about my clientele in the three years that I've been on this journey. When I first started, if you asked me, [I'd say] these men were just completely weird and out of their mind, but why would I care? I was getting what I wanted out of it. As my journey progressed, I realised that a lot of these people are just looking to escape their boring everyday lives. A great deal of these men that serve me are 'high powered' businessmen who just want to come home and not be the center of attention. Some of these men don't even have time to spend the money they make for themselves and just want to see a beautiful woman enjoy it with no strings attached. I've realised that most of my clientele are turned on by losing their sense of control and being taken advantage of by a powerful woman. I'll usually meet clients that pay well and can afford to session with me in reality. I have clients all over the world. I've had requests to kidnap people, tie them up and leave them in the woods. There are some findoms out there who give it a bad name, especially as it becomes more popular. There are a lot of women who are just hopping on the bandwagon and have no idea what they're doing."

According to the Daily Star article, Bill met Goddess Haven on the online forum "Collarspace," one of a number of internet forums where findoms can meet submissives, and now “serves” her. As he said to Summers:

"I have served dozens of women in the past 40 years. I have probably spent about $200,000. [Goddess Haven] is truly one of a kind and I adore her as my goddess…She needs more than just me to complete her life. She may have lovers and she may not want me to have a lover. Whether she wants to cuckold me or put me in chastity is fine with me. I am just happy to serve her. I have an addiction but I really do budget. I spend about $5,000 a year on my goddess. I have a son and family obligations so they come first but I push it to the limit. I'm a normal person but I just have an addiction to serving women. [Goddess Haven is] confident and eager to explore my submissiveness."

There was little in the article about why Bill was a submissive although Bill said he had issues with his mother who was a model, and appeared to adhere to Sigmund Freud’s theorising about the Oedipal complex — the sexual desire shared between a son and his mother. The psychologist that Summers interviewed (Dr. Jess O’Reilly) made a number of speculations (although none of them relating to Freud’s psychodynamic theories). One of her speculations concerned the rise of the internet:

"Everything predates the internet and the practice of dominating another's finances has existed as long as currency's history. However digital communities have created space for wider dissemination of information and virtual connections. You no longer have to leave your house to foster relationships of any kind."

This line of thinking is similar to a number of papers I have written describing how the internet can facilitate sexual addictions among predisposed individuals (as I argued in a 2001 issue of the Journal of Sex Research) and bring together individuals with niche sexual paraphilias (as I wrote about in a 2012 issue of the Journal of Behavioral Addictions). In trying to explain why men would pay lots of money to be humiliated, Dr. O’Reilly speculated that:

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“Sometimes those who are charged with a great deal of control at work, at home or in their community may see this as an exciting way to relinquish control of one area of their lives. Or it could be the thrill of humiliation and ridicule. Just as some people associate praise and adoration with sexual arousal, others have an erotic script that is dominated by emotions that are traditionally viewed as negative. Being humiliated can be a turn-on, as it forces you to be vulnerable…A sexual fetish need not entail sexual activity in the traditional sense. Sex gives us a high or a pleasure rush and so too can financial domination/submission. I would leave it up to each pay pig to determine whether or not s/he considers this fetish sexual in nature…Having a woman more powerful than you, seductive and manipulative enough to get into your mind to make you want to willingly hand over your money… Maybe their wives are boring and don't offer much, maybe their wives are submissive and they just want the role switched. There's a different reason for every client."

Dr. O’Reilly went on to look at both the upsides and downsides of such findom/submissive relationships:

"Like any behaviour, financial domination/submission can be perfectly healthy or significantly problematic depending on how it makes the participants feel and how it impacts their lives (and their relationships). For example, if the pay pig is hiding his financial activity from his primary partner, I could see this taking a toll on their relationship. Honesty, consent and respect underlie healthy relationships — sexual and otherwise. I imagine many derive a thrill from the taboo of giving money to a stranger. However, if they derive pleasure from hiding their financial activity from a partner with whom they’ve agreed to share finances, this could be quite problematic. Most people crave a balance of security/predictability and excitement/the unknown. Blackmail plays into the latter need. In many cases, blackmail games are part of role-play and fantasy as opposed to lived reality."

Although there is no academic research on the topic of findoms, other stories in the national press have appeared (and there’s even a short film called FinDom that has just been released — “a witty, sensitive exploration of loneliness and sexuality”). For instance, in the summer of 2015, The Journal featured a piece by Michelle Hennessey on "Findom in Dublin: The Irish men who are turned on by women spending their money." As Hennessey noted:

“Readers may already be familiar with the concept of Femdom, which involves a woman being dominant over a man usually through bondage, physical restraint or humiliation. Findom, as the name suggests, is all about financial domination.”

Like the article in the Daily Star, the story in The Journal also featured some similar case studies (although the men were referred to as "cash pigs" and "money slaves" rather than "pay pigs"). According to Hennessey’s journalistic research:

“The women who do this professionally are extremely active on social media and fetish websites. They post photos of themselves wearing the clothes and shoes they have been sent, pictures of them drinking cocktails that are being paid for by one of their slaves or snaps of their perfectly manicured feet. They also offer camera sessions with a variety of options, most of which involve humiliation like the domme laughing at the man. Many of their posts are extremely raunchy with some uploading photos of themselves nude or scantily clad and telling the men they could never have a woman that looks this way.”

As with any fetishistic or paraphilic behaviour, if it is carried out by two consenting adults and legal, there is nothing problematic about engaging in such activity. However, given that money is involved, this could — in a minority of cases — end up being a behaviour akin to problem gambling in that the person enjoys engaging in the behaviour but becomes problematic because the activity goes beyond the individual’s disposable income and causes problems elsewhere in their lives.