Safely Navigating the Sharp Edges of Hypercompetitiveness

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"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better." –Maya Angelou

High-achieving women, by nature, are competitive. It's what drives them to envision and achieve their goals. By learning from their failures, they become better and more accomplished. However, a competitive mindset can have a dark underbelly.

As a tennis player and former gymnast, I follow these two sports, and the impact of competitiveness on high-achieving athletes is undeniable. In the past few years, the pressure has led female athletes at the height of their careers, such as Naomi Osaka and Simone Biles, to take extended breaks from their sports, citing their mental health as the primary reason. Fortunately, they've recently returned, seeming happier and healthier, but the point remains that high levels of competitiveness can have some very sharp edges.

The Wide (and Dangerous) World of Competitiveness

From Little League to grades to college acceptances, salaries, performance reviews, and many things in between, competitiveness is engrained in Western individualistic societies from a young age, providing a litany of opportunities to compare our performance to the performance of others. While that's not inherently bad (consider all of the highly successful people who used GOATs in their fields as motivational models), intense competitiveness has an unhealthy edge that can wreak havoc on a person's sense of identity, self-worth, and well-being.

Since you're reading this post, it's likely that you have some level of concern that you're standing on or have gone over that edge. Maybe you've noticed that your competitive nature is causing problems in your relationships. Maybe someone has said something to you about your intensity on "the playing field" of life, business, or sport. Maybe you've noticed that your desire to "win" is keeping you from enjoying competitive experiences. Whatever your situation, it's important to recognize when your approach to competition is having a negative impact on your health and happiness, and that starts with an honest appraisal.

Am I Hypercompetitive?

Do you approach competition with a "win at all costs" mentality? Do you negatively compare yourself to others (e.g., she's smarter, stronger, wealthier than me)? Do you see yourself as a "loser" when the outcome isn't a "win"? Do you believe that your success requires someone else's failure? Do you feel happy when a competitor loses? Does hearing about another person's success make you feel like a failure? When you're losing, do you get irritable or angry to the point that it negatively impacts your performance? Do you feel competitive even in noncompetitive situations? Do friends or family sometimes apologize for or seem embarrassed by how you act when you lose? Do you "keep score" in your relationships? Do you avoid challenges because you fear failure?

If you answered yes to some or all of these questions, you're likely getting sliced to pieces, physically and mentally, by the thousands of tiny cuts that your hypercompetitive edge is bringing to your life. Decades of research have revealed that hypercompetitive people tend to be impatient, irritable, angry, and hostile (Chan & Cheung, 2022; Humphrey & Vaillancourt, 2021; Patock-Peckham et al., 2020); have higher rates of depression and anxiety (Gilbert et al., 2009); have lower self-esteem (Watson et al., 1998); experience more interpersonal distrust and less honest communications in relationships (Ryckman et al., 2002); are less forgiving (Collier et al., 2010); and have more health problems (Thornton et al., 2011) than those with healthier competitive orientations.

How Can You "Do Better"?

Although hypercompetitiveness comes more naturally to some individuals, that doesn't mean that naturally hypercompetitive people are destined to a life of unhealthy competitive experiences. There are many ways to channel your competitiveness in healthy directions while still enjoying "the sport" of competition.

• Approach competitive situations with a growth mindset. Researchers have discovered that individuals who approach competition with less focus on the final outcome and more focus on learning and growing from the endeavor are happier and healthier than hypercompetitive individuals. They refer to this alternative competitive approach as "personal development competitiveness" and note that while these individuals are still highly motivated to win, their personal growth approach to competition "is associated with various indicators of social and psychological health, correlating positively with self-esteem, achievement, affiliation, forgiveness, and concern for the welfare of others ...." (Thornton et al., 2011).
• Reframe your view of success to exclude who "won" and who "lost." Success is about doing well, performing as optimally as you can at a given time, place, and circumstance. It's an intrinsic accomplishment of a goal you set for yourself. Using a personal example, I was scheduled to present at an out-of-state conference and got food poisoning the night before my presentation. I barely slept that night and still felt horrible the next day, but there was no one else to present my material, so I went out there and presented. Was it the best presentation of the conference? No, but my message was delivered, it seemed to resonate with the audience, and I got through it without losing my lunch. That's not knocking it out of the park, but it's success.
• Stop beating yourself up for what "shoulda, woulda, coulda." We have a saying on my tennis team: "Be a goldfish" (from "Ted Lasso," Bing Videos). For us, it means quickly forget the "less than ideal" shot you just hit and focus on the one that's coming back at you, because if you don't, you're likely to lose the point. The same applies to life. If you allow your mind to dwell on the past, then you're likely to miss opportunities right in front of you. It's OK to be disappointed in your performance, but aspire to replace negative emotions such as anger, jealousy, and frustration with positive ones that give you some grace and encouragement that will help you learn from your missteps and move forward.
• Keep your eye on your ball, not others'. When someone else achieves something you want, rarely is it the one and only chance to achieve that same opportunity. There's not just one U.S. Open, one Elphaba role, or one CEO position. Keep working hard toward what you want to achieve, and don't allow another person's success to negatively affect yours.

• Focus on what's within your control. There will always be someone faster, younger, smarter, stronger, wealthier, happier, or luckier than you, so why compare yourself to the good fortunes of others when you have zero control over that? Instead, compare yourself to the progress and gains you're making toward the goals you've set, and measure your "wins" by how much you've improved over time.
• Lower your dose of social media. With endless carefully crafted highlight reels of spectacular vacations, weddings, parties, and myriad "lifestyles of the rich and famous" moments, social media is an ideal nesting ground for the negative effects of social comparison (Steers et al., 2014). So if you're competitive and have a tendency to compare yourself to others, why throw yourself into a hotbed of self-comparison? Take a break from social media and spend the extra time doing something you enjoy that doesn't make you feel bad about yourself.
• Make your relationships no-compete zones. Whether it's friends, family, or a partner, there should be nothing competitive about a relationship. You should be on the same side, rooting for each other; not keeping score or counting victories.
• Incorporate noncompetitive activities into your routine. What do you enjoy that's not competitive? Whatever it is, make time for it in your life.

Sport and Competition Essential Reads

What Does It Mean to Be Accountable in Sports?

The Paradox of Success

Life's too short for it to be all about competition, so dig deep and find the courage, confidence, and commitment to make these healthier attitude changes because now that you know better, you can do better.