How to Handle a Covert Narcissist During Family Gatherings

The covert narcissist can be difficult to detect.

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There are generally two types of narcissists — overt and covert. Overt narcissists are the types you hear about more frequently because they tend to be louder (verbally and behaviorally) about their need for special attention and treatment.

Covert narcissists tend to play a "victim" role and usually say that others don't understand them or that they've tried to get along with others, but others just haven't given them a chance. Covert narcissists may also hide behind their belief system, job, or other family members to continue damaging others. It can be challenging to detect a covert narcissist. Their "aw, shucks" demeanor has fooled many people. But there is a cauldron of rage underneath. A covert narcissist's motto could be, "The world owes me, and I'm going to hold you responsible."

When you confront a covert narcissist in your family, they may tell you they did nothing wrong, and if you were "good" or "nicer," you wouldn't be so "difficult" towards them. They may tell you that you're too sensitive and that "you've always been that way." They may say something vile to you while having a smile on their face.

The tricky thing about covert narcissists is that the behavior may not be noticeable until someone attempts to enforce a boundary. The covert narcissist may react with narcissistic rage. It can be incredibly frustrating to have family members that don't see (or don't want to see) a covert narcissist's harmful behavior.

You may have shared your concerns regarding the covert narcissist with a friend or your family, only to hear, "I don't know, I've never seen them act that way." It may be because that person has never had to establish boundaries or enforce them with the covert narcissist. People can have different experiences with a person. Your feelings and concerns about the covert narcissist and their behavior are still valid.

While the best option is to go no-contact with a narcissist, what can you do when that isn't an option? You may have healthy family members you would like to see, but unfortunately, the covert narcissist will be part of the mix.

Set a Time Limit on Your Interactions

If you are attending a family gathering, stay for a pre-determined amount of time. Let the host know that you will be attending at most for an hour or two. If your family member asks why you aren't staying longer, tell them that it's the amount of time you can visit. You don't need to explain. Assume that whatever you say to a family member may be passed along to the covert narcissist. Set the alarm on your phone or watch to tell you when to start saying goodbye.

Have a Buffer

Bring an emotionally healthy friend or family member with you to family gatherings where there may be a covert narcissist in attendance. Let them know that you will need some support, and you may want to go into a bit of detail as to what you need and why. You don't need to get into great detail unless you find it helpful in your healing. You need the person accompanying you to act as a "buffer," distracting the covert narcissist if they come looking for you. You need someone who will create some distance between you and the narcissist so you can leave if necessary. You can also have a non-verbal signal worked out with a family member or friend to tell them when you've had enough and need to leave.

Appear Detached and Boring to the Covert Narcissist

As you may have noticed, narcissists feed off negative attention. They will poke at you to get a reaction. They will go after your vulnerable spots. A covert narcissist may lure you into feeling like they've changed and that you can be vulnerable with them. But as soon as they sense your vulnerability, they will strike. It makes their words and actions hurt even more after you thought you could let your guard down. Use the "gray rock" method when interacting with a narcissist. Show little expression or reaction to them. This means that you don't try to change them or confront them about their behavior — you simply walk away. If they block you from walking away, that is considered physical abuse.

Risk Looking Rude

Sometimes we are concerned that we will be rude if we abruptly leave a toxic situation. Know that every second you are staying in an unhealthy situation is causing harm to you emotionally and even physically.

Sometimes you may need to just leave a gathering unannounced due to the behavior of the covert narcissist. If there is a trusted friend or family member that you can check in with after you leave, do so if it will help you process what happened. It is worth risking looking rude if it means you are taking care of yourself.

Don't Expect Others to Understand

Covert narcissists can be very good at seeming vulnerable and even kind when interacting with others. They play the victim role well. They can fool people that don't know the real person underneath.

You may have people who think they have good intentions tell you that "blood is thicker than water," or "honor your mother and father," or any variety of statements about how important it is to be close to your family. Those people don't know the covert narcissist as you do. Don't accept guilt and shame from others. You have every right to determine if you need to go no-contact. You decided to go no-contact with a considerable amount of thought and soul-searching. Don't let others define your relationship with a toxic person.

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Reconsider Going No-Contact

There are times where going no-contact is not an option, like when you are co-parenting with a narcissist. However, your situation with the covert narcissist might not involve sharing children. Reconsider whether going no-contact might be possible. You don't need to subject yourself to an abusive person at any time, for any reason.

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