The Importance of Understanding the Impact of Our Actions

Have you ever been in an argument with someone who said, “But I didn’t mean to” when presented with something that they did that was hurtful? This is one of the most common lines I hear when I work with people around developing healthy conflict management skills.

This response makes sense because most of the time, we do not mean to hurt people. But it is also problematic because, whether it is comfortable to accept or not, we can hurt people even when we don’t mean to do so. And just because we don’t mean to hurt someone does not mean that we are not accountable for the hurt we created.

Accountability is an important part of problem-solving and making repairs when we have hurt someone, and it is usually a process that takes a few steps. I often explain this using a story about a glass of water.

Let’s imagine you are sitting with someone at a table that is a bit wobbly. You know that you probably should fix how wobbly the table is, but you just haven’t had the time to get around to it and really, it works just fine most of the time. You and this person have been sitting at the table for a little while, drinking some water, and you go to get up from the table. As you stand, you accidentally bump into the table, making it wobble. The other person’s glass of water was a bit close to the edge and ultimately, the glass of water spills all over the other person’s lap.

In this situation, you probably are going to say something like “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!” and rush to help them get napkins or dry their clothes and clean up the mess on the table. Your priority is to help make them feel OK again—to help them clean up the mess and dry off.

After the mess has been cleaned up and they are no longer in wet clothes, you might have a conversation together about how to keep it from happening again—you might need to fix the wobble in your table, and they might learn not to keep their glass so close to the edge. But this conversation would not be helpful in the moment the water spilled. Telling them that it was just an accident, or that you didn’t mean to spill the water, does not change the fact that they were suddenly soaking wet and uncomfortable. Even worse, telling them that it was their fault their glass was close to the edge would not help either.

At the same time, when the person got covered in water, they do have a responsibility to be able to manage their emotions—it probably would not be helpful if they got up and started screaming at you for spilling the water and telling you how careless you are. They must be willing to accept that the situation was an accident and not to place intent that wasn’t there, such as telling you that you must have meant to spill the water.

This story helps to illustrate three steps to an effective conversation about accountability when working to solve problems with our loved ones.

Step 1: Listen to, accept, and repair the impact.

When someone comes to you to share that you have hurt them in some way, the most important thing to do is to listen and understand the hurt that they have experienced. In our story, this is the equivalent of noticing and accepting that they were wet and uncomfortable and that you needed to help them get cleaned up, even though you did not mean to spill the water.

In a relationship, this might look like someone saying, “When you left the room when I was talking, I felt like you did not care what I was saying and that I was unimportant to you.” Instead of deferring to a common response of either defending your actions with an “I didn’t mean to" statement (i.e. "I needed to go get something from the other room") or an “it wasn’t my fault" justification ("I thought you were done talking") or an “it was really your fault” response ("You talk so much I have to leave to get anything done"), first try to understand how they were feeling in the moment and to accept that impact.

This might look like saying, “I can see how me leaving the room would make you feel like I didn’t care. I am sorry that I made you feel unimportant to me.” Then, follow up with an attempt to repair. “Is there anything that I can do now to show you that you are important to me” or “I really do want to hear what you said. Would you tell me again? You have my full attention.”

These statements help to show that not only do you accept your responsibility for hurting them but that you want to help them feel better. This is the emotional version of helping to clean up the spilled water and get them some dry clothes.

Step 2: Don’t assume you know the intent just because you know the impact.

On the flip side, if you were the person who had the water spilled on you, it is important to be sure that you do not assign an intent to the impact that you are feeling. Just because water got spilled on you does not mean that they meant to spill water on you. In the same way, just because you felt that you were not important to your partner because they left the room, does not mean that they meant to make you feel unimportant or even that that is the way they really feel.

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When you tell them about the impact, it is important to share what you experienced without taking ownership of how it happened (that happens in Step 3). Instead, just focus on sharing the impact on you. In the case of the water, this would be saying that you were wet and needed to get dried off. In the relationship example, this would look like sharing that their action made you feel unimportant ("When you left the room, I felt like you did not care") instead of telling them what they were feeling ("You left the room because you do not care about me").

Sharing your experience will make it easier for the other person to hear what you experienced without becoming defensive and help you to be in a place to collaboratively problem solve.

Step 3: Take accountability about what you can do to make sure the situation does not repeat.

After the impact is heard and a repair has been made, it is time to talk about the intent and to work together to find a solution. This is where the “I didn’t mean to” can be beneficial because there is, in fact, a difference between accidentally hurting someone and doing it intentionally. It is different to have water spilled on you by accident than to have someone throw a glass of water at you intentionally.

Just because you didn’t mean to does not mean you have no responsibility for what happened. In the water example, you did not mean to spill the water, but you did have a wobbly table that you knew needed to be repaired. So, you might say, “I didn’t mean to spill the water, that was an accident. But that table has been wobbly for a while, which is what made it spill. I am going to fix that this weekend so it doesn’t happen again.”

In the same way, the person who had the water spilled can reflect on how they contributed. In this case, they had their glass of water right on the edge—so they might plan to make sure not to move their glass back a bit in the future.

This element of acknowledging intent and working to mutually take steps to make change can help to create effective, sustainable problem-solving. In our relationship example, the person who walked out of the room might say “I didn’t mean to cut you off but it's hard for me to focus on our conversation when I am already doing something. In the future, I will try to tell you when I am focused elsewhere and cannot give you my full attention.” Their partner might say back, “I did come up and start talking and didn’t check to see if you were busy. Next time I will also try to ask to make sure you are in a place where you can listen to me.”

In summary, both impact and intent are important in problem-solving discussions and they are separate topics from one another. When trying to problem solve in the future, try to implement these three steps to separate impact from intent. This will help you and your partner to feel heard and to be able to work together to find a solution so the impact does not happen again—even though you never meant for it to happen in the first place.