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In the first installment of this series, I introduced the idea that although seeking out therapeutic support can be daunting for some people and counter-intuitive for others, the therapy process and relationship can be a reparative, growth producing, and healing experience. I have certainly gotten that feedback from the countless clients I’ve worked with over the years, as well as the many clinicians I have consulted with and taught. And yet, the overwhelming response to that blog came from people who had either ineffective treatment, unsatisfying encounters with their therapists, or worse, actually felt emotionally or psychologically harmed by the experience.
Although I steadfastly hold to the belief that therapy can be extremely helpful, even life changing or life saving for many people, I think it’s important to acknowledge another equally true reality. As is the case with all other professions, there’s a bell curve of competence and effectiveness. Meaning, there are incredibly talented, compassionate, non-judgmental, effective, and extremely bright clinicians and there are mediocre, ineffective, even bad clinicians. They may have gone into the field for the wrong reasons, experience triggering or dissociation in session due to their own unresolved issues, or engage in power plays with clients. They may lack the qualities that can’t be taught and are associated with the ‘”art” of being an excellent therapist. This can have tragic consequences and I wish more would be done to supervise and monitor their work! Having said that, I would like to continue highlighting the benefits of treatment, with the caveat that it’s critically important for clients to feel supported, listened to, understood, and competently guided in their work.
Therapy makes you more accountable for your actions.
Doing insight-oriented work by yourself is difficult because you don’t have the same degree of support, guidance, and encouragement. It’s also really hard because it requires a level of self-discipline that is tough for anyone to maintain. Like many people, you might go through phases where you at least feel curious about the possibility of examining your emotions or behaviors. You may even tell yourself that you will change and have made noble attempts. And yet, without the resources, psycho-education or ongoing support, you fall back into the same patterns when you get stressed or overwhelmed. Oftentimes, when a therapist guides you through the process, you’re more likely to follow through and accomplish your goals. Therapy can keep you honest and on track. When you know you have someone in your life who genuinely cares about your progress it can motivate you to actually make progress. A therapist can also help make your goals specific, measureable, and doable. You’re more likely to try a new behavior when it is clearly spelled out and presented in a positive way.
A therapist provides comfort and support when you relapse.
When it comes to giving up well-entrenched thoughts or self-destructive behaviors the work is often two steps forward and one step back. Relapsing can be a common part of the process. Many people “relapse” or experience a setback when they’re trying to let go of behaviors that used to be helpful and served a purpose. And then they verbally beat themselves up when they do fall back on old behaviors. If you relate to this you’ll understand how easy it is to think relapsing means ‘failing.” Ironically, the more you beat yourself up the more likely it is that you’ll do your self-destructive behavior again. This is because hurting yourself feels “right” when you feel badly about yourself. With the support of a well-trained therapist you can think about these relapses as opportunities to learn and grow. As you compassionately revisit your self-destructive act with a therapist, you can process the “triggers,” or things that set the relapse in motion, and brainstorm about what you could you have done differently. You can come up with a game plan for the next trigger, which prepares you for future incidents, making you less vulnerable and more able to respond in a healthier, more self-protective way.
A therapist can be your advocate with family and friends.
As you know, it can be very challenging to talk openly with loved ones about your emotional struggles or behaviors that feel shamed-based. Family and friends might feel panic, fear, or worry and might not be able to express that in effective ways. They may get angry about relapses, especially after you’ve promised them that you are in recovery. They may be confused when you can’t really explain your moods, or challenge your need for medication. They may express frustration that therapy is “taking so long” and may even take it personally, making you feel guilty and ashamed for “hurting or scaring them.” It’s easy to get triggered by their reactions and a well-meaning conversation can turn out badly as your upset feelings increase and you get more defensive. A therapist who has an expertise in treating your issues can work with you to create an actual “script” you can use when loved ones ask about your situation. It’s also useful to role-play with a therapist to identify your expectations, work out the rough edges, anticipate how loved ones might respond, and brainstorm about how to handle conflict when it arises. When you feel too overwhelmed or ashamed, your therapist can be your voice, representing you to family and friends in a caring, non-judgmental way. This, in turn, increases the likelihood that other people can see you through the same caring lens.
In the next installment we will continue to explore the ways in which therapy and therapists can be genuinely helpful.
To read Part One of this series, click here.
Segments of this article were taken from "Letting Go of Self-Destructive Behaviors: A Workbook of Hope and Healing" by Lisa Ferentz.
