Want to Feel Closer to Your Partner?

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Have you ever been in the situation where you share something incredibly personal with your partner and instead of feeling closer, you feel ignored or dismissed? Or perhaps, it’s the other way around, and your partner attempts to reveal something about himself and feels shut down?

If so, you’re not alone. Despite our best intentions, many of us inadvertently fall into habits that push our partners away rather than draw them in closer. Given the number of interactions throughout the day, it’s only natural that couples are bound to get some things wrong. The good news is that we can practice habits to make things go right, or at least better.

As stated in our book Happy Together, we believe romantic relationships resemble a dance, “an ongoing interaction involving a complex network of initiations and responses.” And for a relationship to go well, each individual needs to be mindful of their actions, and those of their partner, in order to respond well and avoid stepping on each other’s feet.

When accidental missteps occur, the relationship dance comes to a halt. And rather than having flowing interactions, we are reduced to robotic transactions.

Unfortunately, we sometimes take things for granted—important things that we, or our partner, regularly do that keep the relationship dance swaying smoothly. And often we only notice when these little (but oh, so important) things are missing.

As human beings, we all want to feel understood, valued, and cared for. One of the ways we seek to be understood is through self-disclosure. In other words, when we share our personal feelings, thoughts, and desires with our loved ones. And it is this shared vulnerability that, in part, helps forge deep connections.

Self-disclosure is associated with a myriad of positive outcomes in our daily lives. People who regularly self-disclose tend to experience less stress and have a healthier way of approaching and managing problems.

However, it’s not that cut and dry. Context matters. In intimate relationships, when we self-disclose, we naturally expect a warm response from our loved one. And hopefully, that’s what we receive most of the time. If not, it may not bode well for our individual well-being and our relationship satisfaction.

Self-disclosure in relationships influences well-being

A recent 2022 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships examined the interactive effects on well-being of self-disclosure and the listener’s supportive understanding in romantic relationships. One hundred and fifteen cohabitating couples recorded their daily experiences interacting with their partners over several weeks. Regardless of whether self-disclosure took place, it was how the partner responded to it (with or without expressed understanding) that determined a positive or negative outcome.

In other words, it was the quality of the response­­­—how sympathetic the partner was to the disclosure—not the fact that self-disclosure merely occurred, that influenced well-being.

“Self-disclosure, in the face of little understanding, predicted decreasing satisfaction, more negative affect, and more depressive symptoms,” according to the study.

In fact, researchers found that it was the “days lacking in intimacy that predicted dissatisfaction and negative affect.” This finding supports previous studies showing negative experiences with one’s partner to be “associated with relationship satisfaction or depression.”

Since couples naturally expect to have positive interactions with their partners, it’s often the “negative ones that grab their attention and affect their well-being,” the researchers found.

It’s not just what we reveal to our partner that helps determine our relationship intimacy. Equally as important, if not more, is how our partner responds to our personal disclosure.

After all, we are taking a risk. We are opening ourselves up, becoming vulnerable. We expect our partner to be there for us and support us. If not, we may feel even worse for exposing our deep-seated dreams and desires.

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In order to keep the relationship dance flowing smoothly, reflect on specific behaviors and skills you can practice to help your partner feel cared for, heard, and understood the next time they self-disclose their personal sentiments and secrets.