Extroversion
The Secret to Improving Your Relationship
Knowing how your partner’s brain works is key to relationship happiness.
Posted October 6, 2021 Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
Key points
- Individuals are "wired" differently in the realms of extraversion, emotionality, and effortful control.
- Such differences lead people to experience the world in different ways, which can lead to relationship tension.
- Partners should try to understand where each other fall on these three key dimensions to be able to manage mismatches more effectively.
Let’s be honest: Sharing your life with another human being can be hard. Many of the reasons we fall in love are “big things”: shared values, hobbies, life dreams. But the day-to-day of relationships involves a lot of mundane nuts and bolts. Laundry that needs to get done, dishes that need to be washed, kids that need rides, plans that need to be coordinated. This is where tensions arise, because each of us approaches the day-to-day in a different way. Often, we attribute these differences to the way we were raised – and certainly some of that is true. Maybe you prefer to stack the cups rim-down versus rim-up because that’s how your family always did it. But a lot of how we approach the day-to-day is actually a product of our unique genetic wiring.
Our genes influence the way our brains develop, in the same way they impact our natural hair color. Those subtle differences in the ways our brains are wired cause us to experience the world in different ways. That is why something that might be incredibly annoying or upsetting to you is not a big deal to your partner — and they can’t understand why it’s such a big deal to you. It’s not the way their brain works; it doesn’t make sense to them.
In my book, The Child Code, I talk about “The Big Three” – three dimensions that children differ on that can play a big role in how they respond to their parents. Importantly, understanding how our children are wired can help improve our relationships with them, and guide us in how to parent them.
But it’s not just our kids; it’s all of us. We all have natural tendencies and vary in the way we approach and respond to other people. So, in the same way that understanding how your child is wired can help you in your parenting, understanding how your partner is wired can help you navigate your relationship with them. Mismatches between spouses on The Big Three (and other dimensions) are often at the root of problems that couples experience.
So what are The Big Three? The Big Three (also called The Three E’s) are Extraversion, Emotionality, and Effortful Control.
Extraversion refers to how much we derive energy from being around others, versus how much downtime on our own we need to recharge. Is your perfect idea of a Friday night being surrounded by a big group of friends at a party, or spending time on the couch with your partner?
Emotionality refers to how we experience and deal with fear, frustration, or distress. Some of us have brains that are more prone to these experiences. We are more likely to worry and to be concerned about a variety of things.
Effortful control refers to the ability to regulate our emotions and behavior. It goes by many names: self-control, self-regulation, impulsivity. I use the term Effortful control because it reminds us that it takes effort not to do whatever we want, whenever we want. But for some of us, it takes more effort than for others, depending on our unique genetic wiring. There are many different types of situations that require effortful control: Sometimes we need to get ourselves motivated to do something (get up and go to the gym), sometimes we need to get ourselves to stop (eating that extra piece of cake). Sometimes we have to stick with things that are boring (doing work, paying bills). And sometimes we have to keep ourselves from doing something we’ll regret, either when we are in a really good mood (e.g., a night of overindulgence after a promotion), or in a really bad mood (e.g., telling off the boss). People can vary in how much effortful control they have across different types of situations.
Here’s an exercise you can do with your partner to get an idea of where each of you fall on the Big Three. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being not at all like you and 10 being completely like you, how much do the following statements describe you? Jot down your numbers for each question:
Extraversion
- Are you someone who gets energy from being in the company of others?
- Do you enjoy large parties and meeting new people?
- Are you someone who is talkative and full of energy?
- Are you someone who is outgoing and social?
Emotionality
- Are you someone who gets nervous easily?
- Do you worry a lot?
- Are you someone who easily gets down or feels blue?
- Do you get very frustrated or upset when things don’t go as planned?
Effortful Control
- Are you good at making a plan and following through?
- Do you think about things carefully before you do them?
- Do you have a tendency to do crazy things when you are in a really good or a really bad mood?
- Do you enjoy taking risks?
Tally up your points and compare how each of you scored across the Big Three E’s. If you scored in the range of >15, you’re on the low end; 16-26 medium range; if you scored <27 you’re on the high end. Note that these aren’t precise cut-offs; there’s nothing magical about those numbers. They are just intended to give you a sense of where you fall on each dimension relative to your partner. How matched/mismatched are you on each dimension? [Bonus activity: Score your partner on the above items and see how your scores compare to their own. That also gives you insight into how you perceive one another; remember our own unique wiring influences how we experience other people.]
Here’s why this matters: When spouses are mismatched on The Big Three, it can lead to tension. These tensions play out in the miniscule day-to-day routine, so you probably aren’t consciously aware of the underlying cause.
When partners are mismatched on Extraversion, it can lead to tension surrounding how you spend your time. The more extraverted partner may want to spend more time in the company of others or out on the town, while the more introverted may prefer to spend time with just the two of you. This can lead to resentment: the more introverted partner doesn’t understand why it’s not “enough” to spend time with them, while the more extraverted may start to feel like their partner doesn’t want to do fun things or be a part of their life.
Mismatches on Emotionality and Effortful Control can similarly lead to challenges. If one partner is low on Emotionality and naturally handles stress more easily, they may not understand why their significant other gets so upset when the children are running wild when they’re trying to get everyone packed to leave for a family vacation. Conversely, the partner who is higher on emotionality may feel like they are being dismissed when they are told to “calm down” or that they are making a big deal out of nothing.
Mismatches on different dimensions of Effortful Control can also lead to trouble. If one partner is higher on risk-taking, they may be more comfortable with your child climbing to the top of tall trees, while the other parent gets upset because they feel like their partner is being careless with their child’s safety. If one partner is naturally disposed to being a planner or good at follow-through, they may not understand why their partner can’t get chores done without getting distracted by more interesting pursuits. They may interpret it as disrespectful.
Having different ways of approaching things – whether it’s child care, dishwasher loading, or vacation planning – is the root cause of many relationship challenges. Over time, the differences can start to create rifts and, if you’re not careful, everything can turn into a battle. Sometimes those differences can cause you to start to resent your partner. Why can’t they just ________ (fill in the blank with the thing you’ve asked them to do a million times)?
This is a natural reaction, because we only know our way of being in the world. The right way to care for the children, load a dishwasher, or make plans seems “obvious” and straightforward because it’s the way our brain works. But just as we have different hair colors and body shapes, we have brains that are wired differently.
That means that often we see things in very different ways. It can make living with anyone challenging – even when you are both wonderful people with good intentions. They just have a brain that works differently. So take a deep breath, and remember that working together requires patience and understanding, as you try to understand how each other’s brains work, and come up with strategies to work together.